Thursday, December 30, 2004

Here's how much I love Siouxsie:
“Turn off that #$@*% cell phone, you spoiled rotten little brat! This is not about you.”--Singer Siouxsie Sioux, lashing out at Paris Hilton in the Enquirer. Paris had reportedly been yapping on her celly during the toasts at a private party for Deborah Harry. The heiress reportedly blushed and beat it like a banshee out of there. But that didn't stop Siouxsie from giving her a parting shot: "Who invited that silly cow anyway?"

All day I've been searching for pictures of the New Year's Eve dance scene from "Better Off Dead". This is one of my all-time favorite movies. Ever. Lisa and I have had this one memorized since we first taped it off of HBO in '86, and watched it almost every single day. I still can't go a whole month without putting it on, at least to watch a few scenes. The dance is probably my favorite. Anyway I wanted to find a good shot of Stalin making fun of Lane and Charles at the dance, but it can't be found! I looked everywhere. But I did find a really great interview with the guy who played Ricky.

"Well, you sure have my vote for cutest couple! You better shave her a little closer before you kiss her goodnight..."-Roy Stalin

Anyway, Happy New Year! I hope no one uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over you.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

What's up everybody? I'm sorry my blog has been just a bunch of pictures lately. I've had nothing to say. Well, there's plenty to say but I just haven't been inspired enough to do it. So how was everyone's Christmas/Hanukah? (Wasn't there something that "The O.C." tried to start, naming all the December holidays "Christmaquanzaahanukah" or something like that? Whatever, "The O.C." pisses me off by just existing. No wait, just that Mischa Barton girl. No wait, all of them.)
Right now it is raining in Scottsdale, and I'm wearing pajamas at work and listening to "Starman" by David Bowie on my headphones. Ever since Lisa and I saw "The Life Aquatic" on Sunday I can't stop listening to Ziggy Stardust. I love this album. But it's one of those that I can't just choose one song, or I can't say why I like it exactly. "The Life Aquatic" was awesome, I definitely recommend it. It is one of those movies that you get totally pulled into the world it creates, and forget about everything else. It's nice to take a 2 hour break from life sometimes. Kane went to the movies on Sunday night too, and he saw "The Machinist" with his friends. I wanted to see that too, but I knew it would be kind of a downer so I chose "Aquatic". Anyhow he said "The Machinist" was good, but a little slow. Although you might have read that already.
Today I'm wearing my new purple scarf, made for me for Christmas by Brianna. It's the coziest, warmest, snuggliest scarf ever. It's made of this fuzzy yarn that feels like a muppet, in two shades of purple. Knowing her she probably strangled a muppet to make it. I hope it was Elmo! Thanks again, Brianna, you're the coolest! Homemade gifts are so much nicer than store-bought ones. Not that I don't appreciate those, but when someone takes time making something it just feels more meaningful. But one of my favorite presents I got this year was from Kane. He got together with our friends Jen, Diana and Robert and made a movie for me. It's called "Yams: a True Toddler Story Performed by Adults". It's a dramatic re-enactment of the time his 3yr. old niece didn't want to eat the yams that Kane's dad made for dinner. His dad said,"Eat them or you won't get any ice cream.". She said,"Mommy gives me ice cream at home..." and Kane said,"Mommy's not going to give you any ice cream. I ate it all.", then she burst into tears. Kane played his neice, and Jen and Diana played Kane and his dad, respectively.
It's much, much funnier than I'm describing it here, you'll just have to see the movie. It's his best film since "Le Wed".
Now I'm off to finish making a new page for our company catalog. Have a good day Bloggers, and I hope none of you gets swept away in a Tsunami. Wear your swimmies and a helmet when you go out, okay?

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Now here's Kane after being let out of "jail", but Sierra still is giving him a stern lecture. I can't remember how it went, but it was something like,"And if I ever catch you playing with my Dancin' Pooh again, I'll fucking beat your ass 'till it bleeds, Dicksmoker!!". Yeah, that Sierra has quite a mouth on her.

I got a new digital camera from Kane for christmas!! It's so awesome, I can't stop taking pictures of everything. And if you don't want your picture taken, too fucking bad because I'm taking it anyway! Here's Kane after he was placed under arrest by his 3 year old neice Sierra.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Here's a picture I just sent to my dear friend Buck. His real name is Nathan. He's a crazy motherfuck.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Taryn gave me this pamphlet that arrived in the mail this morning at the office. I don't know what's worse: the title (Messages of the Stars? How new-age cheesy can you get? I know what she's trying to say, but the wording just ain't right. "Dear Polaris, Don't forget to pick up milk. Love, Orion's Belt"), or that this poor girl looks like she has a black eye. It's called concealer, Honey. Use it if your man popped you in your right eye last night because his dinner wasn't ready on time. And next time you better make damn sure that supper is on the table at 6 o'clock SHARP. You hear me?? Love, The Stars.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Here's some stuff I've been doing instead of blogging:
-got approved for a mortgage with my sister, then decided not to buy a house.
-decorated my boss's dining room at her house with red, white and pink ribbon.
-took a candlelit bubble bath while listening to songs from "Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas" on my headphones.
-made perfectly shaped sugar cookies, and then cursed a lot when the finished product looked like big round blobs of nothing.
-ate a lot of sugar cookies.
-almost went to the mall about 8 different times, then wisely decided not to.
-drank a beer or two.
-got a tetanus shot in my left arm.
-had a sore arm from getting my tetanus shot.
-almost finished watching "Arrested Development Season One" on DVD with Lisa. 2 episodes left!!
-listened to a playlist of "Just Dropped in to See What Condition My Condition Was In" by Kenny Rogers and "The Final Countdown" by Europe on repeat. I am doing this right now actually.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Since Lisa is posting some old family pictures, I figured I should contribute a little. Since there's such a demand for these, you know. This is from a fine day in the summer of 83, when our family went to Sesame Place. Here we are on Sesame Street, that's me down in front(I'm the white one), looking unimpressed, probably thinking about hot dogs or ice cream or some kind of food. That's my dad front and center. He's making his,"Jesus Christ just take the damn picture and let's get the hell out of here and go get a hot dog" face. And that's Lisa in the background, smiling brightly in her nautical-themed swimsuit, apparently unaware that The Count is lurking in the window behind her. The Count was like Lisa's biggest fear when she was little. When he would come on TV, she would run and hide behind my mom. Mom would usually give her a hot dog to calm her down. No wait, that was me. And I wasn't afraid of The Count, I was just hyperventilating because the neighbor's cat was in our yard.

But Hot dogs have very calming effect, that's my point.

Monday, December 06, 2004

So I'm working on our christmas cards here at work, and I ran out of ribbon, so I had to run over to Michael's to buy some more. While I was waiting in line to pay, I totally almost saw a soccer mom fistfight!!!! One of them was pushing her stuff up on the counter into the other one's stuff, and she was like, "Ummm, EXCUSE ME but I haven't paid yet..." so I guess the other lady moved her stuff back. But after angry soccer mom #1 paid, she yelled, "What a BITCH!!!" as she was walking out the door. Then soccer mom #2 dropped her stuff and followed out after her, and she was like,"What did you call me? I was just trying to unload my cart, you fucking BITCH!", and then they disappeared from my line of vision out the front door. So anyway, I paid for my ribbon and went outside, only to see soccer mom #1 getting into her car(which was parked in a handicapped spot, by the way) and I guess soccer mom #2 was waiting for her, because as soon as she pulled out of the spot, #2 was right on her, tailgaiting her and giving her the finger. I guess #2 forgot about her huge cart full of shit and decided to just leave. But wow, was that a fun sight to see! I wish some punches were thrown, cuz that would've been awesome! Ah, the pleasures of shopping at Christmas time.

Friday, December 03, 2004

I made this picture to celebrate my favorite bad holiday movie, "Borrowed Hearts". If you have any interest in seeing it, first of all God bless you, and second of all, the Family channel shows it like 100 times during their 25 Days of Christmas marathon. It's about a shallow rich guy who rents a family to impress Hector Elizondo, who is a business associate from Mexico, a fact that the filmakers repeatedly shove down your throat. The rich guy has to give up his free-wheeling, whoring-it-up lifestlye for the time that Roma Downey(who plays the rented mom) and her stupid kid are there, and highjinks ensue. The best part of this movie is that the little girl in it is probably THE worst actress I've ever seen. And her last name is Fruitman, so Jen and I used to have a great time screaming "FRUITMAN!!!!" at the tv whenever she came on. Anyway, if you have seen this wonderfully bad movie, I hope you can appreciate this picture. And if not, I hope you can appreciate this picture. Joyeux Noel, Hector Elizondo.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Today I have the biggest urge to ditch work and go home, and watch Crybaby and eat tons of ice cream. Ha! I almost wrote "dick work". Anyway I can't because I'm too damn responsible for my own good. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was really good, and I made my very first apple pie ever. And it was good.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Hmmm. No sign of Grandma Shitz. I don't know if maybe she's taking a Thanksgiving break or what, but I'm still waiting for her.
In the meantime, I've been keeping busy. Training my new assistant has been keeping me busy, but it's going even better than I thought it would. The Christmas rush is just starting, so I've been trying to get all the orders done that have been coming in, but it's getting hard. It takes normally about 3-4 weeks to make a piece of jewelry, and these people want it in 5 days. Not happening. So since I'm the one who takes all of the customer's abuse when their stuff doesn't arrive in time, I've just been working non-stop, rushing absolutely everything that touches my desk. The other day I was filling out an order sheet and in the "Date Required" section, I wrote "7 days". This made me think of The Ring, which made me laugh, because the order was also for a ring. Then I was walking around the office all day whispering "7 DAYS.". I don't think anyone knew what the hell I was doing though.
On Sunday night, me and Kane and Lisa went to see "Finding Neverland". I totally loved it. Great movie, made me cry a little. OK, a lot. But I would be lying if I said it didn't make me think of Michael Jackson. That motherfucker ruined the Peter Pan story for me forever. There was one scene in the movie where a man is talking to J.M. Barrie about how much time he spends with Kate Winslet (character name??) and her four boys. He tells Barrie that people are talking, and implying things about his relationship with the boys in particular. Then old J.M. says something to the effect of,"No! How could anyone think that?? They're just innocent young boys...". Luckily I was able to push that moonwalking bitch out of my mind and enjoy the movie, but still, in our minds the three of us were all hearing a freakishly soft voice saying, "Nooooo, that's ignorant. You're being ignorant...".
Last night Lisa and I went to Allison's house to have dinner and watch "Family Guy". We brought dessert with us, a cookies & cream cake. It was so good, but there was a lot left over. Since Allison was on a diet she made us take it home, so we got halfway there before we decided we didn't really want it, and it would either go stale and mouldy on our kitchen counter, or we'd eat it all and get sick from it. So I rolled down the car window and chucked it out, frisbee-style. In midair the container popped open and the cake just sort of blew apart, splattering all over the side of the road. It felt oddly satisfying, throwing a cake from a moving car like that. I recommend trying it sometime, that is if you are ever in a situation of cake surplus. Good times. Anyway, Lisa and I rationalized throwing it away because it had "shmutz" all over the top. I called and told Kane about all of this when I got home, and his roommate Rob said, "Isn't shmutz Jewish people's blood?". I was referring to the cookie crumbs on top as shmutz, but whatever!
Here endeth the lesson.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The Shitting Bandit (Almost) Strikes Again!
Today the old lady came back. Luckily I was poised and ready to go with the camera, so here she is. She didn't actually "go" today, she just did a quick walk-by, but Kane and I are guessing it was only because there were two women sitting on a bench nearby, and that might have spooked her. Too many witnesses. But don't worry, I'll keep the camera ready and if I see her, she's getting her picture took! This is so messed up. This is probably someone's grandma, people. Grandma.

P.s. What's that white stuff she's holding? Innocent plastic bag, or toilet paper? You decide.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Holy crap!
Today that old lady that I wrote about last week came back. Kane was in my boss's office, and he called out,"Trish, look!!! There she is!!". Sure enough, the old lady in the green shirt was back again. I called out to Taryn, who came running into my office just in time to see the old woman pull down her pants and use the front lawn of the house across the lake as her own personal toilet. What the fuck??? This time we know she HAS to be doing this for a reason, because it was in the exact same spot right in front of a house, and the woman even peeked through the bushes of the house to check and see if someone saw her. Then she booked it out of there. The other thing is, it happened last Tuesday afternoon, now today. I think next Tuesday I'm going to have my camera at the ready and try to take a picture of this Shitting Bandit. My theory is that her husband left her for someone younger (who doesn't shit on things outdoors in broad daylight) and they live in that house. Jilted ex-wife, or chronic crapper. You make the call!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Here's a few thoughts on the Scott Peterson Guilty verdict from me and Lisa.
Lisa: "Maybe she got thrown overboard, and dismembered by the fishes. Cuz fishes are very vishes."
Me: "Fine!! You think he's so innocent? YOU date him!"

Here's something I meant to write about a few days ago, but keep forgetting to. Here we go.
I think it was on either Monday or Tuesday, Kane and I were in my office working on some sapphires. The work gets really tedious, and can strain the hell out of your eyes, so you need to take a lot of breaks to look out the window at something far away to stretch your eyes. Anyway, Kane is taking one of these breaks, and suddenly I hear,"Uhhh.......Trish? Are you seeing this?"
"Seeing what?"
"That old lady out there, across the lake?"
"What old lady, I don't see any old lady."
"Right there, she's bending down and..."
"Oh, yeah, I see her. OH!!! Is she taking a shit????!!?"
"I think so."
Yeah. There was an old woman, probably in her sixties, with her pants down either peeing or crapping on some guy's lawn. Right in broad daylight, in full view of the world. Then she pulled up her slacks(old ladies call them slacks) and briskly walked away, disappearing behind the trees and bushes around the corner.
Man, I've seen some shit from my office window before. But never REAL shit. That's new.

Friday, November 05, 2004

"Mr Healey...". This guy's now a roadie for a bunch of lame garage bands. Ah, the magic of Hollywood.
is it just me, or......

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Today I was looking around on American Eagle's website for some ideas for christmas presents. I decided I really hate their logo shirts right now. Usually they have some cute ones, but these are pitiful. Here's my ideas, if they ever decide they want to hire me as a designer. I think people would totally buy these. I would, anyway!


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

So we put an ad in the paper for a new assistant for me. Actually this person is going to be trained to take over my job when I leave for NJ in April. So far no one really promising has come along, but they do keep getting stranger. The ad was:
Design Asst. FT. Good w/color sorting, creative, independent. Skilled at detailed drawing & computer. Photography, Photoshop & website experience a +.
Today I got a resume from this one guy, who was a crew trainer at McDonald's. He did go to Collins College, so he's probably just a web design guy. But he had two web addresses under "Examples of my work". One was a photography website, I'm guessing his mom's since they shared a last name, and she looked a little too old to be his wife or something. The next was a Blog-style page, with a few entries, one of which was the following:

Children's fears ... me with a shovel, a trash bag, and some duct tape
Step one : find a small child preferably 3-5 years of age
Step two : lure them in to your white van with the prmise of puppies/candy
Step three : give them candy/puppy laced with knock out drugs
Step four : once they have passed out use duck tape to hog tie their feet and hands
Step five : bludgeon them to death with your shovel
Step six : make sweet, sweet love to thier carcass
Step seven : cut them into peices
Step eight : with the shovel bury their tiny little pieces
Step nine : rinse and repeat steps 1-9

Now, lucky for him I'm not easily offended, but if you were sending out resumes and wanted to show examples of your work, is this something you would want your prospective employers to see?? Also, I don't quite get what his "work" is, anyway. If he designed the websites, they are painfully basic and not at all impressive, and one of them has such a high bandwidth that it takes way longer to load than it ever should. But if he wanted me to be impressed with his writing skills he failed! I'm really looking for someone who's NOT a lunatic. Sorry guy. I guess I'm gonna have to go with the guy who was a "Fish Processor" and didn't graduate high school. And no, I'm really not making that up.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

In honor of Halloween, or "Costume Day" as those PC assholes are calling it, I thought I would post some "Ghostly" pictures to put everyone in the "Spirit" of this "Ghoulish" holiday! Try not to crap your "Trousers" because of how "Scared" you "Are"!
This one's a little wordy for me, but I appreciate the big confused looking owl. I do NOT, however, appreciate the scary silver witch floating ominously in the background. And is that the ghost of the large, confused owl looking on? Maybe he's looking back on his life, and regretting standing on the branch next to all those instructions.
Wait, wait wait. I just read some of the card. Does it say to pluck some owl feathers and EAT them? Sister, if you're out wandering in the woods eating owl feathers, you got a hell of a lot more to worry about than Halloween greetings. See a doctor or something. Jeez.
Umm, why have the tradition of wearing pumpkins on your head faded away? I think what this girl is doing has something to do with choosing a mate, as do most Halloween traditions. Let's hope she doesnt end up with the Beggarman, or *gasp* the SAVAGE! See him at the bottom, sadly eyeing what he can never have. How come only the Doctor, the lawyer and the beggarman have bodies? Partial bodies are better than no bodies, right? Choose the Lawyer, he has a left arm and some papers or something!! Choose the Lawyer!
This witch has a dick. And a severe case of Roseacea.Maybe she's just blushing at the size of her member. "Oooooooo, look how big my dick is!"
Here are 3 jaunty fellows, up to some tricks. Notice the man in the background, doing his damndest to protect his livelihood from the town's young punks. Better catch up, #3! Old man Farmer's waving a shotgun up there, and nothing kills Halloween fun like getting plugged in the back of the head.
Happy Halloween, Geeks! Renaissance rejects on the loose! Renaissance rejects on the LOOSE!!!
Here's a fun couple. Adelade and Tommy. Those clowns!
Today Kane and I went to the Halloween store to try and find a witch hat for me for Halloween. I originally was going to be a blue fairy, but I couldn't find a dress that was plain blue. Then I was going to be a bat, because I found these really cool purple and black wings. Then I found a really really cute black dress at the mall, and it's sort of witchy, so now I'm being a witch. I can never make up my mind ever. But I do know that this year I have to be something that people won't ask "What are you supposed to be?". Last year I was the chick from "Pirates of the Carribbean" and I worked so hard to sew my costume and make the necklace with the coin on it, and Kane had a perfect Jack Sparrow costume and we were next to each other the whole night, and people still thought I was Cinderella. Fuck that. This year, as long as I can find a witch hat, everyone will know at a quick glance what I'm supposed to be. So this year it's nothing but drinking and more drinking, uniterrupted by stupid questions.
Anyway, my whole point is, does anyone sell just plain old black witch hats?? All of them were either leopard print or zebra striped or covered in all kinds of shit. I'd settle for one covered in bats and spiders and crap, but not for $30. I did find a really cool little 50's looking hat with a big spider on top and thought that would be cool, but then I remembered it would bring me right back to the "What are you supposed to be?" problem.
Maybe I should just forget the whole thing and be Donatella Versace, like I originally planned. She's scarier than anything I've ever seen.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

What happened to my Harry Potter blog??? 'Tis gone! I wrote it on October 21st, and now 'tis GONE.
I was thinking, if P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or Puffy or Sean Combs or Combie Mcnutz) just steals old songs and remakes them with a little more bass and him going "uh-huh, yeah." over it, I'd like to hear him re-make "Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina & the Waves. Mainly because I'd like to hear him sound all bad-ass while singing about walkin' on sunshine. And the video would be him in a solid gold suit waving money around, while surrounded by big-assed girls in bikinis dancing all up on him. Uh-huh, yeah. Bad Boy Fa LIFE.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

And now, an unhappy looking dog dressed as a teddy bear. I think I'll change this blog to just be all pictures of animals dressed up. No wait, I won't do that.
Who's reading this that didn't see "Team America"? What's wrong with you? Go see it. NOW! I'll wait.
OK, you're back? You loved it, didn't you?!!!? Yeah, I thought you would.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Both my mom and Lisa sent me this picture today. I like the French Fries. One time my friend Mikey was a Milkshake for Halloween. He wore a little kid's costume, and we had to cut it off of him later that night because it was too tight and he couldn't get it off. Anyway.....
This afternoon I was sitting at my desk, soldiering through the after-lunch slump, when I thought that maybe in my next post I should fake my own death. Not for real, just to see who'd send me flowers. Then, I'd post again, and be like, "Hey, it's me!! I'm alive and well! Sending flowers wasn't so hard, was it Blog readers??! Well, my birthday's June 13th. Get ready to send some more. And for the record, I don't care for carnations, LARRY.". This part would be especially funny because I don't know anyone named Larry.
Anyway, I decided not to do it.
Tonight me and Kane and Lisa (Or Lisa, Kane and I, if you are an English teacher reading this) are going to see "Team America". I haven't been this excited for a movie since, ummm, probably "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabahn". I never go to movies on opening night, but Matt& Trey are two of my favorite people in the world so I'll risk it. Kane and I just have bad movie-luck. Every time we go, someone ends up sitting in front of/directly next to us, and they talk during the whole movie, or keep getting up, or their cell phones ring, or their newborn baby starts screaming. And opening night of a movie is usually the most crowded it gets, so our chances of a pleasant movie-going experience are even slimmer than usual. When we went to see "28 Days Later" (Not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock Alcoholic Farse "28 Days"), and the entire beginning of the movie is silent, as the lead character awakes from a coma to find that everyone is gone. It's a very eerie and well-done scene, but not when some black girl sitting behind you shouts out "This movie's too QUIET.". Then she has a kid who keeps pulling on the back of your chair(Why do people need rocking movie theater seats anyway?) and grabbing your hair along with it. On top of that, the only seats available were front row, right corner. It was awful.
And that's what you gotta know, everybody.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Fizzie likes to sing "Big Pimpin'" by Jay Z.
Here's Fizzie, politely asking me for some dinner. He always makes sure to say "Please" and "Thank you". He's no Mr. Bungle!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

This is a picture of Hilary Duff from the movie "Raise Your Voice". This movie is basically "Mr. Holland's Opus" meets "Music of the Heart" meets "Clueless" meets "The Great Outdoors" meets "Jurassic Park" meets "Boondock Saints" meets "A Movie Trish Don't Wanna See". Is it just me, or does her shirt say "Candy Hoe"?

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Merriest Autumn to Ye All.

Ahh, today is a beautiful fall day. The air feels fresh and crisp, and the leaves on the trees are turning from the soft green of summer to vibrant shades of red, orange and gold. Everywhere you look there are signs of autumn; people in the neighborhood have begun digging out their jackets and scarves, their cheeks a little rosier from the chill in the air, and the breeze is rich with the scent of freshly-picked apples and warm pumpkin pie. Harvest Tyme has begun, and Old Mr. McGintywillow and his boys are hard at work on their farm, just as sure as Old Mrs. Stillnerbrau is hard at work in the kitchen, making her famous apple-cinnamon preserves to sell at the Wood's Hollow Autumn Festival. The students in the schoolhouse are abuzz with excitement, planning what ghoulishly frightening goblin disguises they'll wear for Trick or Treating this Hallow's Eve. Why, their teacher, Miss Penny Jacobsonflip, cannot even hold their attention long enough to assign this eve's home-work! And as here I sit on my front porch, carving animal bones into crude, mis-shapen X-rated toys, I reflect upon the autumns of my youth, and wish I had the time to jump once more into a pile of freshly-raked leaves or roll one more newly-bourn baby down a flight of steps.
Ahh Autumn, a tyme to reflect.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Good morning. If you have time, go to click here. I promise it will make you laugh. Pinkie swear!!

AHHH!! Bea Arthur Lapdance!! BEA ARTHUR LAP DANCE! I don't remember this scene. Maybe this was after mom and dad told me it was past my bedtime and sent me to my room.

Monday, September 20, 2004

If I see one more article on the internet today about Britney Spears getting married, with the phrase "Oops, she did it again!" written in it, I'm going to throw my computer monitor down the stairs. No! If I see the NAME Britney Spears anywhere I happen to click when trying to read the news, there's gonna be hell to pay. It's unfortunate that my monitor must be the recipient of my wrath because I can't physically assault the entire internet. I can only hope one day technology will allow us to do so.
Lisa sent me a really cool article about the Monterey Aquarium today. Apparently they have a great white shark on display, and it's actually feeding. This has never happened before, great whites always refuse to eat in captivvity, then either starve to death or are released back into the ocean. I hope this shark continues to do well, because I really want to go and see it. I have always been fascintated with sharks for as long as I can remember, but I've been having nightmares about them for as long as I can remember too. For my entire life I've had nightmares about sharks at least 2-3 times a week, and they stopped for a little while, but now I'm having them again. I still love sharks and I would have loved to study marine biology, but I know the second I get into the water, all the sharks would be like, "Hey!! It's that girl we've been dreaming about eating for the past 25 years!! Let's get her!!! Grr!!".
Goddamn sharks, man.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I like this picture because my grandmother looks gigantic and glowing, and I am dwarfed by her mere presence. This is the grandmother I wrote about back on January 9th (see archives). I think from this picture you can see how much fun she is. See how much fun I'm having? Why do I doubt we are laughing at the same thing here? Hmmmmm.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

I did a painting for Kristen and Ezzy as a wedding gift, because I'm such a fucking cheapskate. I hope they like it. I also hope they open their present before seeing the picture of it on my blog. Anyway, I used to collect antique keys from thrift shops and antique stores when I lived in NJ and I used to polish 'em up in my dad's glass beading machine. The summer dad bought that glass beading machine, us kids went hungry. It nearly bank-rupted us. Thanks Pops! We still make fun of dear old Diddums for that one.
Anyhow, I finally found a use for my old keys. I can put them on paintings, like this one NYAW...

I just did a search for a picture of a glass beading machine to link up to so you could see my dad's most prized posession. I found nothing. He did buy it from the Snap-On Tools truck that was always parked in our driveway, I can tell you that much. Oh forget it!!!

Here's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern. You fill in the blanks here.I, for one, particularly enjoy his teeth.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

My friend Buck just sent me a link to this great website. It shows all these people lookin FLY for their senior pictures. I wish Middletown North could have sprung for an awesome "rubble and debris" background with yellow police tape.
I remember when North got a solid gold lion for the front lawn outside of school. It wasn't so much solid gold as it was spray painted cement, but boy was it flashy!! It was great to see our school mascot gleaming majestically in the dirt next to the North sign. Every once in a while during a fire drill you'd see some guy run over and start humping it.
Lisa and Kristen pose for a lovely photo at the wedding. Aren't they splendid? God wanted Kristen to get married. It's just mommy that didn't.
Kane waits for the bus in Bayonne. From the bus we took the subway. From the subway, we took a guy's wallet.
Ahh, badly scanned photos from my NJ trip!
Here we have a picture of me and Lisa with my mom, Uncle Snake and Uncle Ed, after a hearty meal at the Brother's in Red Bank. Right after this was taken, my two uncles asked a family walking by,"How much for the little girl?". Those jokers.

Monday, September 13, 2004

What's with this Jennings guy? Talk about King Nerd-O. What a giant loser. I bet he's never had a date in his life!!
Wait, he won how much money? Oh.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Alright, just calm down. Let's everybody just CALM DOWN! Now relax, no one's gonna know! I got plenty of paper towels and.....CALM DOWN I SAID!! Jeez, if you keep making a scene, I'm gonna have to get the.....JUST RELAX! If you'd just sit still for two seconds I can wipe it off!! STOP it now. Let's all just settle down now. I mean it.
Cut the crap!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

I was about to write a long blog about our NJ trip, but Lisa already beat me to the punch. So to sum it up, I'd say the trip was awesome. I actually started crying when we got back to Arizona and I was hit with a wall of heat and too-bright sunlight. Ugh. Can't wait to go back east for good. The funny thing was, I ran into a girl from my German class in high school at a restaurant. I told her I am living in Arizona, and she said she had moved to Louisiana for a few years. She missed NJ so bad she had to move back as soon as she could. Yeah, I hear ya.
Kristen and Ezzy's wedding was beautiful. I've never been to a wedding where everyone was just so happy to be there and the bride and groom were just beaming. The place they got married at was really cool too, and they had an open bar. Oh I had a few drinks! Kane and I ended up dancing like retards to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love", so a lot of alcohol was consumed between the two of us obviously.
I have to go meet Lisa for lunch now but maybe I'll write more later. I haven't been writing much due to how hectic my life has been lately, but things are about to calm down, so bear with me.
Until then take care of yourselves. And each other.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

"Untitled" by Trish
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
It now blows dangerously hot air in your face.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
In Arizona. In the summer.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I just ate Taco Bell for lunch.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I had two crunchy tacos and a soda.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I paid $3.23 for my tacos and soda.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
Now I want to go home and watch Montel Williams.

I’m still in the process of packing up my apartment for the big move this Sunday, and last night I was going through old video tapes trying to eliminate some of them. I found one with two episodes of Nickelodeon’s old show “Salute Your Shorts”, followed by an extremely old episode of “The Family Feud”. Why do I have a tape like that??

I think I’ve been making my boss mad by wearing my headphones at work. I don’t see what the big deal is, I’m doing a project with the small princess cut sapphires that requires my full concentration, so it actually helps me to put on my headphones. Anyway, she keeps making a big show of coming in to talk to me, and she just walks up and starts talking, then she “sees” my headphones, and is like, “OH.”. She never has anything to tell me either. She has a few fragments of thoughts, only a few of which pertain to me, and she sputters out sentence fragments or begins to sketch something on some scrap paper on my desk, until her cell phone rings and she runs away. She hasn’t said that she’s annoyed that I’m wearing my headphones, but I know how she is. Well, I’M annoyed that I have to keep taking them off for nothing. So there.
Also, according to my boss, highlighters are called “Pinkouts” and "Yellowouts", and how tall you are is not your height, it’s your “heighdth”.
I hope tonight I find the old video where I filmed the lawn guy fertilizing our front lawn, and then dubbed "Hard Knock Life" from the Annie soundtrack over it. That video cracks me up.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

I haven't watched any of the Olympics. I'm not a sports person. I just don't care which country is the best at running through the grass with an egg balanced on a spoon. What? That's not an Olympic event? Sorry, that was an event from my elementary school's Field Day. It's easy to get confused, our Field Day was so similar to the Olympics. We'd get all juiced up on McDonald's orange drink (what is that stuff anyway? Why is it not juice, or even soda? This worries me.), we'd tie our legs together with whoever was our best friend at the moment, and give that three-legged race a run for it's money. Or we'd fall down and get grass stains on our new pants, and cry until some other kid crapped his pants, thereby bringing on bouts of distracting laughter. Aren't the Olympics just like that? Don't even TRY to tell me no one on the "Dream Team" shit their pants. I can smell it from here.
I am moving out of my apartment on August 29th. I'm going to miss it very much, but Lisa and I are getting an apartment together, so we can save much moneys. I'm happy about that part, but I'll miss living alone. It's been 4 years, and lots of fun. Cut to a slow motion montage of me playing with sock puppets, setting the stove on fire, making the sock puppets drink beer & fight, and spreading butter on my face, with "All By Myself" playing over it.
It's going to be weird timing, because I'm moving 3 days before I leave for NJ. I hope I won't be all tired and cranky during my trip. Probably not, going home always is a good time.
So a few days ago I bought an mp3 player. This is a big step for me, cuz I never even had a cell phone. Anyway, I love it waaaay too much. It only took me 3 days to wear out the batteries. I installed all the software on my computer at work. I hope it doesn't fuck anything up, but my mp3 payer is not compatible with Mac, and that's what I have at home.
"Robin Hood and Little John runnin' through the forest, jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees and tryin to get awayyyy. Contemplatin' nuthin but escapin, finally makin it, Oo-de-lolly, oo-de-lolly, Golly what a day."

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Last night we had the first of two dress rehearsals for the play Lisa and I are directing. We open this Friday night. Anyway, this bitch stopped showing up for rehearsals, so I've had to jump in and take 5 roles. I think it's going well, although I'm pretty bitter about not being able to see the show I worked so hard on. It's okay though, it's been fun being on stage again. Anyway, at last night's dress rehearsal, we had a small audience. During act 2 we were doing a scene where I play a retarded girl named Clara, and my friend Allison plays a retarded girl named Sheila, and she's telling me about the guy she likes, who, coincidentally, is also retarded. Anyway, as she's talking to me, I'm supposed to be shoving popcorn into my mouth all angrily. Just as the lights go up and we are about to start the scene, I put some popcorn in my mouth and start to choke on it. I coughed as hard as I could, and a piece of popcorn flew out of my mouth and onto the stage. Allison saw it and we both started laughing hysterically. I think it worked out pretty good. I bet it looked like I meant to do that. It was hard to act like an angry retard after that though.

Friday, August 06, 2004

There was this group of guys I used to hang out with from '98 up until like 2 years ago. They all lived at a house in Tempe together, which was nicknamed 1810 Funhouse. (Their address was 1810 Randall, but they had bands play there all the time and had punk shows, so it was a Funhouse.) Many guy moved in and out of the house over the years, but when I first started hanging out there, there were the original four.
There was Jeff, who has been and will always be one of my best friends in the world. He went to my college (Al Collins Graphic Design School) and the day I met him he was sitting behind me in class, quietly saying things to himself like, "Are you fucking kidding me?", and "What the fuck is this guy talking about??" about our teacher who was trying to lecture. I turned around and gave him the finger, and we've been friends ever since. Jeff loved video games more than anyone I know. When a new Final Fantasy would come out, Jeff would lock himself in his room with a keg of beer and play until he finished the game. He once bought himself a set of throwing knives and he got really good at it. I introduced him to "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and he got hooked on all things Buffy. When the musical episode came out, Jeff, our friend Corbin and I once spent an entire night in Jeff's room singing all the songs. There was a show going on that night too, with about 100 people squeezed into the house, and we were just trying to sing over the bands playing. One time Jeff got all the Harry Potter books on tape (which was about 60 tapes), and he had this great idea that we should just sit and listen to the tapes straight through, and drink tons of beer. We only got through the first half of tape 1 before we gave up. We couldn't stop making fun of the british guy who was reading the book, then we decided to make up porno names for all the characters. Then we passed out.
Then there was Bob, who also went to my school. Bob liked to smoke a lot of cigarettes and draw devil girls on everything and go off on tangents about how our school sucks or how his job sucked. Bob was a lot of fun just to go up to and say something about anything, and watch him go for like an hour about why Rolling Rock was the only beer anyone should ever drink.
After that was John, who was the house's "funny guy", who lived in the basement and often had blue hair and fell down drunk a lot. I dated him for like a week or two, but that ended when I literally caught him with some girl's pants down. It was cool though because a few days later Jeff got drunk and went down to John's room and peed on his sheets for me. Jeff rocks.
Lastly there was Mikey, who was a cool little punk guy who also was just the nicest person you'll ever meet. He wore glasses and lots of argyle sweaters, and had the greatest music collection I've ever seen. He had this one album from the 70's with this black guy in a leisure suit with a big afro and a hat with a feather (I hesitate to say he was a pimp, because I really don't know if this man had himself some prostitutes. Don't judge by appearance, motherfucker.) on the cover, and the album title was called "Yer Momma". I wish I could remember the guy's name, but the song was a very fast tempo reggae beat, with someone yelling "Yer MOMMA!" every 20 seconds or so. We all used to crowd into Mikey's room and dance around to it when the mood hit us right. One time he and I went to a "Poison" concert with our friend Dan. It was awesome to see all the old mullets come out for a wild night. Mikey also loved Huey Lewis and the News. At first I thought, "Yeah, he just likes Huey because it's a cool thing to say." Is that cool? Probably not, my idea of cool is warped by your standards probably. Anyway, Mikey really did LOVE Huey Lewis. He went to every Huey Lewis concert that went down (and surprisingly there were a lot more in Tempe than you'd expect!) and drove to every thrift shop and obscure music store looking for original Huey Lewis LP's. He had tons of 'em. I always loved doing shots with Mikey in between singing "Power of Love".
Most of the guys have moved out, or I just fell out of touch with them. Jeff just moved to North Carolina this year with his girlfriend and their 6 month old son Xander.
Anyway, the whole point of this is, this morning I woke up with that horrible song "Cruisin'" in my head. The one sung by Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis, for the soundtrack of that weird Karaoke movie. I didn't see it, because I hate movies about karaoke, but I hate that song even more. So anyway, "Cruisin'", Huey Lewis, Mikey, it all made sense this morning.
There you go, there's a blog.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Good morning to whoever reads this. It is 12:14 pm, and I'm sitting in my office, taking a brief pause from making some rainbow sapphire jewelry. I've been working really hard on it for the past week, on an order for 131 assorted rings, bracelets, earrings and cufflinks. Yay. I am the only one in the office who can make these lines of sapphire, and it's a bitch. I'm almost done though so good job to me!
My friend Taryn just made a brand new blog, inspired by me, Lisa, Kane and Toole. Well, probably mostly Toole, since he updates just slightly more than the rest of us. Anyway, Taryn and I work together, and try our best ot get through the week without murdering anybody. So far she posted a very cute story about her family making fun of her. Good job Taryn, and good luck updating every day. I'll be watching!
So I'm disappointed about everyone's opinion of The Village. I haven't seen it yet, but I've been looking forward to it for months. But everyone I know who has seen it hated it, and I usually trust these people's opinions as far as movies go. I guess I'll just have to see it for myself, but now I am much less excited about it. Poop.
I did see "The Notebook" on Friday, which I loved. I normally am not into romantic movies, but this one is very different. Yeah, it gets really sappy at times, but not in a bad "Meg Ryan+Tom Hanks" way. It was very sad though, it made me, my mom, Lisa and everyone in the theater cry like little bitches. I read the book last week, which I liked, but this is one of the rare times that the movie is actually better than the book. Like "Jaws". That book was a big pile of crap after having watched the movie a million times. DON'T READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK. I don't want any assholes emailing me that I spoiled the ending. Anyway, the book sucks. There' s this whole side plot where Ellen Brody has this boring, long drawn out affair with Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss's character). It's written all cheesy, like Peter Benchley wanted to throw some graphic sex scenes in there for the hell of it. I hated the ending too. It pretty much ends with the shark dropping dead. Seriously. Thank god Spielberg made such an awesome movie. That man has far better vision than I do, I guess. That's probably why he's a world famous director, and I'm just a douche with a keyboard.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Don't you miss your teddy? You left him in your past.
You used to love your Teddy. You swore your love would last.
You left him in the attic, and you grew up too fast.
Well now old Teddy's got a knife, and he's gonna stab you in the ass!!
Holy Shit, run away from Teddy!! 

That's a poem I just wrote. Swear to God, I made it up. It's good, huh? You don't have to lie. It's okay, I just had nothing to write.
Wouldn't it be funny is that poem was not about a teddy bear at all, but about Theodore Roosevelt? "You bastard, why'd you wheel me up to your attic and forget about me?? I was a terrific President, just ask Eleanor!! I sang with Annie, for Pete's sake!! Well, FUCK YOU TOO, TRICIA! Fuck you too."


Friday, July 16, 2004

Have a good show Marilyn Manson!
Last night I had a very weird dream. I'm at some sort of arena with Kane, Lisa and my mom. We all have tickets to a Marilyn Manson concert. We walk up to the door, and the security guy looks at Lisa and my mom's tickets and says, "Ok, you two have backstage passes.", then he lets them through this door with all this blue light coming from it. Kane and I are nervous, because we don't have backstage passes, but we're hoping this guy won't notice and will let us through. He takes one look and tells us general entry is on the other side of the building. Feeling all dejected,  Kane and I start to walk that way, but then remember we have a problem. We have a huge rolling cart full of about 80 stuffed animals, and if we leave them here, they'll get stolen. "We better put them in garbage bags, then we can take them into the concert with us!", so we frantically begin stuffing all the elephants and tigers and ladybugs and stuff into garbage bags. As we're doing this, Marilyn Manson begins walking our way. He's on stilts, and is very unstable. He has three guys trying to keep him steady up there so he doesn't fall and ruin his bright pink leotard and fake boobs. As he's walking past, I hold up a small little stuffed bear, and I shake it at him while saying in a funny high-pitched voice,"Have a great show Marilyn Manson!". He looks at the bear and smiles, and says"Thank you very much you guys!" in Cartman from South Park's voice. Kane and I get back to putting the stuffed animals in the bag, and then I just collapse on the ground. Now here's where I had the dream....
I don't even like Marilyn Manson. Or stilts for that matter.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

My, aren't you boys HANDSOME!
I haven't written anything in a long time, I just haven't had anything to say. I still don't but here I go a-ramblin'.
Last night I got sucked into watching "I Love the 90's". I saw 93, 94 & 95 and it was awesome. I love these stupid VH1 shows, I just can't turn them off. Maybe I should see a doctor about it or something. The best part about I Love the 90's was that they had Trey Parker, and Jay and Silent Bob doing commentaries. I could listen to Jay talk about moving into Melrose Place with all the "slutty, big-boobied women" all day.
A few days ago I made plane reservations for me, Kane, Lisa and my mom to go to Jersey for the first week in September. I cannot fucking wait to get there, September is too far away. We're going back for Kristen Marsh's wedding, and then I'm going to give Kane the tour, like where I used to live, and where the infamous Middletown Chuck E. Cheese is. Holy shit it'll be fun.
My new favorite way to kill time at work is to play "Bejeweled" on MSN games. My high score is 17,485. I am such a geek that I not only know that, but that I'm proud of that.
Today I saw a bird fall out of a tree right outside my window. I don't think he got hurt, cuz he got right up and flew away. I don't know why he fell. Maybe he fell asleep and lost his balance, or maybe he's just an asshole clutzy bird. Can birds be clutzy? If people can, why not other species? Is there some fish out there that keeps pissing off the other fish by swimming into them? All the fish swim on the right, pass on the left, but here comes this fucker to mess up their whole routine. Fish can be assholes when you fuck up their routines. Shit!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Today is Wednesday, and I've been on vacation since last Friday. It was so nice, not having to worry about work all the time. I had a 5 day weekend. I don't remember what I did on Friday, but saturday Kane and I went to see our friends Mike and Tracy at this hotel they were staying at, where we drank some daiquiris and went in the hot tub. Sunday I decided last minute not to go to a party Kane and I were invited to for our friend Rob's birthday (and for the 4th, I guess). Instead Kane went without me and Lisa came over, and we went swimming before we cooked a big italian dinner as if we were big italian women, drank pina coladas and ate cake and chocolate pie. We missed the fireworks on tv because we were too busy watching The Simpsons Season 4 on DVD. I think we each gained 10 pounds that night, but maybe we laughed off some of the fat thanks to Ralph Wiggum. Monday I spent most of the day in a pissy mood, just all weepy and bitchy. I kept trying to figure out why, but then I remembered it was just PMS. Then I felt better, and Kane and I watched "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, made up some new songs and danced around the apartment old-tymey style. To finish off this 5-day rampage of fun, I shook Kane awake around 10:30 yesterday morning and we hauled ass to make it to an 11 AM showing of Spiderman 2. Which everyone kept saying it was just okay, but I really liked it. I liked it just as much, if not a little more than the first one. The story was better, and Doc Oc was a much cooler villain that the Green Goblin. I mean, the GG was great too, but I liked how you sort of feel bad for Doc Oc. I am a big fan of likeable villains I guess, plus Alfred Molina is just awesome anyway. Plus there's a little more romance in this one, and referring to my aforementioned PMS, I thought that part was better than the first.
So my long weekend was a good one, but now I'm back at work. Before I left last week, I recorded a new voice mail message to let people know when I will be back in the office and have a great holiday blah blah blah. So this is the very first of 18 messages I got this morning:
"Hi Trish, this is (I'll leave his name out to protect his anonimity), and that's REAL NEATO that you're out on a fucking vacation, but just what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY CUSTOMER ABOUT THE RING THEY ORDERED???!!?!". Then he hung up. Nice guy. He also left two more screaming messages, even though he knew damn well I would not be back in the office until today. Then I got yelled at by this other guy who wants his jewelry, then I get a fax from the factory that they broke a customer's very rare, very very expensive tanzanite, and they don't know how it happened and they're sorry. Then I get a call from said customer, saying "Hi! This is Lynn, I'm just calling about my customer's tanzanite ring, she's very anxious and nervous about her stone and wants to know how soon she can have her ring. Please have some good news for me, honey! Thanks, Bye bye!". Then I had to call and ruin her day by telling her the stone is ruined.
I'm about ready for another 5-day weekend, I think. And maybe 1 or 10 pina coladas. With lots of whipped cream.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Yowza!! Parker Lewis CAN lose.
HAPPY JULY!! Actually I didn't mean to yell. I forgot I had the Caps Lock on.
Anyway, in honor of it being July (and in honor of me having nothing to write about today), I decided to re-post an old blog that seems to be a popular one. I have heard from a few people that this was a good entry, and since I don't know how to do that neat link-to-a-specific-blog trick, I'm doin it the old fashioned re-postin' way. It's a great story filled with love, hate, laughter and deer antler.
Here goes:
Once upon a time, Lisa had a boyfriend who lived with us named Mike. I'll leave his name at that to protect his anonimity. So once upon a time Mike lived with my family in our condo in Middletown. He cluttered up the place with tie-die and sunflower seeds, and enriched our lives with Star Trek facts and memorabilia, and a Star Trek "Q" boxed set of videos. It seemed very out of character for Lisa to be this guy's girlfriend, as they were clearly from different worlds and had vastly different interests, at least from an outsider's point of view. Mike, unlike Lisa, was a habitual pot-head. He had a large collection of bongs and pipes and hookas, most of them he had fashioned himself from various pieces of hoses and glass bottles and other trash, and each one he could talk about endlessly, with a glimmer in his eye much like that of a child on Christmas morning. Mike was okay. He was never mean or anything, always very nice and usually smiling, but he was not exactly my favorite of Lisa's boyfriends over the years. There are a number of reasons why I wanted him out of our home, some of which I've been sworn to secrecy never to talk about, but here's a little story for ya.
I can't remember the exact date, but it was late 1997. I was going to Brookdale Community College at the time, and had an early Algebra class the next morning so I went to bed early that night. Anyway, after a few short hours of slumber, I was awoken by a loud noise. As of someone not-so-gently rapping, rapping on my chamber door. I got up, very groggy and still half asleep and looked at the clock. 2:30 AM. What could have happened? Was there an accident? Was someone hurt? Did someone eat the last piece of chocolate cake? I opened the door and found Mike, smiling broadly, looking very pleased with himself.
Me (in my bitchiest, most tired voice):"What?"
Mike:"I just made something, and I want you to be the first to try it out!"
With this, he slaps a dirty broken old piece of antler into my hand. Ah yes, the deer antler he found in the woods somewhere in Arizona when he and Lisa vacationed there a few months before. The one he planned to make into a pipe, and then planned to smoke weed from said pipe. Indeed, he had drilled a hole through it, and attached a metal bowl to it, which looked ripped off of one of his many bongs. I didn't like the idea, antlers are for deers to protect themselves and disguise them from hunters in the forest, not for Mike to smoke from.
So he wanted me to take to be the first to try it. Take the maiden voyage. He had packed the bowl with his "kindest bud", and was very insistant, even though I wasn't really interested in getting high, especially not from old dirty deer parts. Still though he insisted, like it was the highest honor, being offered the first hit. I just wanted to go back to bed. So okay, fine.
I took the "pipe" from him, and lit it, and took a fairly large hit, larger than I was prepared for, and also more painful than I was expecting. Apparently, Mike had forgotten one very important step in creating this masterpiece. He had forgotten to clean out the excess chunks of deer antler from the hole had drilled. My throat closed up, and I could feel bits of bone in my mouth, lungs and throat. It was the most disgusting feeling EVER, and I spent the next hour or so practically hacking myself to death, desperately trying to cough up the antler bits. See, that's a sentence no one should have to write! Mike apologized profusely and ran back down to Lisa's room in the basement, leaving me to fend for myself in the fight to breathe. That was just fine with me though, because if I could have talked, I probably would have told him to get the fuck out of my house!
The best way I can describe how it felt is imagine how it feels when at the beach you mistakenly get a few grains of sand in your mouth. Multiplied by 1,000, and at the same time suffocating in smoke, and at the same time having a severe sore throat. I didn't sleep any more that night, needless to say.
I was really glad when Mike moved out. Yay.

Happy 4th of July everyone. Be safe and try not to stir the kool-aid with your dick this year. Mom really hates it when you do that.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

When I saw this headline on, I was like, "Oh, that has to be Chuck E. Cheese!!"

Mom allegedly threatens to 'whip' pizza mascot

Associated Press
Jun. 29, 2004 11:36 AM

MACON, Ga. - A teenager dressed as pizza mascot Chuck E. Cheese was pelted with pizza and threatened with a beating by an angry parent who said the mascot wasn't paying enough attention to her child, police said.

Macon police reported that the 17-year-old female employee was dressed as the character - a gray cartoon-like rodent with large front teeth - when a 31-year-old Macon woman threw a piece of pizza at her Sunday afternoon.

The report stated that the mother then threatened to "whip" the girl when she changed out of costume.

No charges were filed in the incident, so the name of the mother and employee were not released by police.

Holy shit, am I glad I wasn't Chuck E. in Georgia. I feel for you, anonymous 17 year old girl in Macon, Ga. Abused Chuck E.'s of the world unite.
We shall overcome.

Monday, June 28, 2004

I am pissed off right now. My boss is in Europe for the whole summer, and before she left she tried to set up a payroll service that would automatically send us our paychecks every 2 weeks. Well, the fucking thing doesn't work and I just got a call that if my boss doesn't call in payroll today, then we don't get paid until July 6th. I have rent due on the 1st so I'm basically fucked if we don't call it in today. She is the only one authorized to call in, and she's on a cruise ship somewhere on her way to who-knows-where. Fuuuuck.
So I decided to distract myself by posting a picture of me and Kane on Halloween. He was Jack Sparrow and I was Elizabeth Swan from "Pirates" (obviously). No one knew what I was. People kept asking me if I was Cinderella or something. I guess a lot of guys dressed as Jack Sparrow for Halloween, and they posted up pictures on the internet. So here's Kane's. Except he's not a creepy internet wierdo, so his might not count.

Friday, June 25, 2004

"Look, I have a shark fin on my head!! Isn't that wacky?? ERrrrrrrrrr!!!!! Duuuhhhhhhhhh!"
I really can't stand the morning news. Mostly it's just the morning news anchors that fry my chicken (?). This morning I sat down on the couch with my big bowl of Special K and turned on the tv. The first thing I saw on Fox 10 Arizona Morning was this stuffy "I'm trying to act fun and jovial" anchorman, I think his name is Rick D'amico, announcing that his co-anchor is out sick today. Instead of having her there, they opted for some wierd chicken mascot from God only knows what team. Don't arizona teams just have snakes and lizards and wolverines for their mascots? What up wit' da chicken? Anyhow, old Rick introduced the chicken like so,"Well, in place of Illona Carson today, we have a team mascot...Uh, what ummmmm.....Where are you going? What's this guy's name?" (Man in Chicken costume leans forward and points to his back, and on the back of his team jersey reads 'Spike'.). "Oh, ummmm, SPIKE! We have Spike here with us today and.....Do you like fresh fish, um, uh, Spike?? Do you like fish? Well coming up in the next half hour we'll meet a local chef...". At this point I rolled my eyes to no one, and changed to channel 12. Good Old NBC. Matt Lauer, Katie Couric. Maybe I'll actually hear some news from THESE respected journalists. Nope. I flip to that channel, and see Matt, Katie and Roker wearing "funny" hats and drinking margaritas (surely non-alcoholic. Can't have Matt giggling like a little girl through the story about all the orphans who died in last night's fire or something.), and announcing "Coming up soon, Jimmy Buffett will be here!!". Matt Lauer, who is wearing a foam shark fin on his head with his suit, got a lil' wacky and tilted the shark fin slightly off-kilter, which brought on boughts of hysterical laughter and screams from the huge crowd on the street. Very funny, Lauer. Well played.
The only one who seemed even close to pulling of the laid-back Buffett fan 'tude was Roker, who at least bothered to show up in a cheesy hawaiian print shirt and a straw hat, and was the only one to even take a sip of his margarita. Still, I'm so not buying it. Just stop. And does anyone really like Jimmy Buffett? Or is it just stuck up, stuffy old rich people who call themselves "Parrotheads" in an attempt to show their "fun" side? Bullshit, you may be "wastin' away again in Margaritaville", but you still cheat on your wife and try to bully your spoiled kids around.
I got yer fucking long lost shaker of salt right here, buddy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. All day I was pulled in a million (okay, maybe ten or eleven)different directions, and had to deal with a whole bunch of stupid shit all day. Problems galore. I left work around 5:15, and was going to go home and take a nice relaxing shower before I had to go to Lisa's house for the first read-through of the play we're directing. Anyway, when I get home Lisa calls me and asks if I wanted to go to Baja Fresh for dinner. That sounded good, much better than whatever Hot Pockets or Lean Cuisines I had in my freezer. So I decided to forget the shower and get food instead, cuz I was one hungry puppy. Arf Arf!!! So Lee picked me up and we drove over to the restaurant, and there was no parking anywhere. We circled the place, but then decided time was running short, we should probably just go somewhere else. Lisa suggested this new place, Rosati's that she and Tom had gotten pizza from, it was pretty good. So we drove on over there, each ordered baked ziti and a salad to go, and paid seperately. Then we waited. And waited. And then waited a little more. About 25 minutes goes by, and a guy comes out with one of the dinners and hands it to Lisa. I asked him where my dinner was, that we had ordered the same thing. The guy said that only one dinner was ordered, so I pulled out my reciept and gave it to him. (So THAT'S what receipts for food are for!). He went in the back to check, and was gone for like another 5-10 minutes. By this time, Lisa and I are really nervous because the read-through started at 7 and it was now 6:35. We still had to get back to her house and eat before people started arriving, so we had no more time to waste sitting in this dump. We went up to the counter and I asked for my money back, and that was another big production. I was so hungry and frustrated by this point, I was at that stage of hunger when you feel sort of nauseus. I just wanted to get out of there so bad. Finally I get my refund and the guy says,"Just give us a couple minutes, your dinner should be almost ready by now and you can have it for free."I told him I didn't want it anymore, we had no more time to wait, but he wouldn't take no for an answer and disappeared into the back again, with the other 10-15 people who were just sort of milling about back there. Lisa and I stood there for about 3 more minutes, then finally said"Fuck this!" and walked out. We got back to her house as fast as we could, and shared her dinner. And you know what? It was terrible baked ziti. The noodles were so overcooked they we like paste. Ugh. We ate what we could and threw the rest out, but we finished just in time for everyone to get there so that was good. I hate days like yesterday. I'm glad it's over with.
The read-through went really great, though. It sort of redeemed the whole day. Everyone did even better than we had expected, and all the actors have really good chemistry together. Thank you God, because after that crappy day, I was half expected someone at the readthrough to raise their hand and say, "Ummmm, I can't read.". Great.

Friday, June 18, 2004

Wow, I am really upset that the Al Qaida group killed that American hostage this morning. I was very much hoping that he would make it home alive. It's horrible when anything like this happens, but I guess this one strikes an even bigger chord with me because he was from New Jersey. This whole situation is so sick, I just wish Bush would bring everyone home already.
Sad Trish.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Does that Apple picture scare anyone? I made it and it even scares me. Lisa said she saw it in a nightmare last night. I'm sorry for unleashing that thing to the world. Actually, it's Gwyneth and Chris Martin who should be sorry. Damn you's all to HELL!
If you read Lisa's blog, you know that we are gonna be directing a play, and we had auditions last night. It was really fun, but everyone did so good it was hard to cast the show. I'm super-excited to work with everyone, especially Alison. She and I were in "Macbeth" together, as two of the witches(see below). I'm on the left, and she's on the right. And that's Mark in the middle, as the man witch. Manwich.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

me: Knock, knock.
you: Who's there?
me: Apple.

Friday, June 11, 2004

I just found this on's Losers of the Week column:
Reality show king Mark Burnett is planning a rock version of American Idol, in which the winner gets to be the lead singer of an already-established, internationally known rock band. He told Variety which rock band he's got in mind - INXS, the Australian band who lost their original lead singer, MICHAEL HUTCHENCE, to suicide in 1997. You're wondering how many hopefuls can hang in there it through the autoerotic asphyxiation elimination round, aren't you? You people are just terrible!
I'm surprised that INXS is still together after all these years. I bet their main criteria for a new lead singer is that he/she hmust have the DEVIL INSIDE. Ha! I made a funny.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Here's Mike Toole and Will Hung, during their trip to the "Die Shieze ist Gut" Wax Museum in Millburn, New Jersey. They particularly enjoyed the wax representation of the time Hitler was accused of eating all the fudgsicles from the concentration camp's kitchen freezer, which had been purchased in honor of japanese dictator Hideki Tojo's visit. It was later found that Tojo (pictured, upper right) ate the frozen treats himself, and framed Hitler for it.
Today is Johnny Depp's birthday. Happy birthday to you, sir. You're a fine actor and a good man. Please don't become an asshole in your old age. And I hope you one day get the chance to live out your dream of appearing on Fox's "The O.C.", because it is that higher plain that we all should aspire to.
Date: Tuesday, June 8th, 2004.
Scene: Lisa's car, driving south on Hayden road, about 8-ish.
Lisa: Keith Coogan is easy to do.
Tricia: Lees, I don't WANT to do Keith Coogan.

End scene.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Tomorrow is Lisa's birthday. I got her some cool presents, so if she doesn't like them, I get to keep them. Yes, most nice gestures in our family are feuled by greed. Anyway, I got her a rsklkjsafaf kiooa;aaakds. GOTCHA!!! You thought I was gonna tell you? WRONG!
I think we're all going out to dinner to some italian place, which we usually do every year for our birthdays. It's nice, but gone are the days we'd spend the passing of each year wearing our best rainbow-hearts or fluorescent finery, roller skating to "Kokimo" with 15-20 of our closest friends. I miss having soggy pizza and soda in plastic cups, and getting Barbie or Ninja Turtles presents. Laughing at my friends who roll over their own fingers while trying to lace their rented skates. And laughing with those friends at all the real fat people who lose their balance and fall down. And laughing with those fat people over how super-fun birthdays are!
I still like birthdays, but wouldn't it be more fun to unwrap a new SuperSoaker "Deathshower" 180,000,500 than a new set of kitchen towels? I'm just saying.
P.S. I got Lisa a new set of kitchen towels!!!!!!!! Woooo-HOOOOO! Shhhhhh, it's a secret!
Here's me and Lisa at Sea World in August of 2002. We found this manatee perched helplessly on a rock in the park, and this shot was taken before we bought him a Shamu-shaped ice cream bar and tossed him back into the sea.
This picture is brought to you directly from the twisted mind of Kane Black. He can't post photos on his blog because he has a Mac, and blogger discriminates. Anyway, I hope this scares your children.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Not that this is of any importance, but I just had to share an image I saw this evening. I was leaving the bathroom at work, and some lady holding a small child came rushing towards me. "Hold the door!!! WAIT! DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!!". I smiled and held the door for her, and as she got closer, I noticed what looked like a smeared brown handprint on the little girl's pink t-shirt. Wait, what's that on her shirt?? I had to do a double take. That better not have been shit. I'm pretty sure that was human excrement. If it was, I'm glad I held my breath when she rushed past. SHIT!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I just took the "Which Johnny Depp Character Are You?" quiz from Kane's blog, and I'm:
"You Are Sam From "Benny & Joon."

You are very talented at physical comedy. People are in awe of your abilities. However, you have many quirks which can either win people over or completely annoy them. But you're a sweetheart through and through, and it's hard not to love you."

I like that. Benny & Joon is a great movie. I'm glad I wasn't "Whats-his-name" from The Astronaut's Wife. That'd be wierd. "You are married to Charlize Theron, and you have two alien children you never met because you are dead. You are also partial to grapefruit and bomber jackets."
I had a new baby delivered yesterday. It's a stacked washer/dryer combo, a full laundry center. I named her Wendy. Wendy washed me lots of clothes yesterday. Being able to wash clothes in your apartment fucking rules. I would let my stuff pile up for like 3 weeks (sometimes longer) and then try to carry all of that shit at once, plus a big bottle of detergent, and a ton of quarters, and haul this crap through my entire apartment complex. But those days are over, my friends. I shall never have to buy new underwear instead of washing my old ones again!!!

Friday, May 21, 2004

Here's a picture that I made in honor of the end of "Angel". I made it a few days ago for Kane and Lisa to commemorate the occasion, but I think I should share it with y'all. Posting pictures is FUN!!! I plan to get very carried away with this.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Just testing out Blogger's new photo posting feature. If this works, you should see Gene, holding his new friend, a can of vegetables, right before he humps the fridge. Be proud of who you are.