Thursday, July 31, 2003

Hey, Kane made a blog!!!! Woo-hoo!! My boyfriend's gotten in on the "ACTION", as the kids call it!!! I put the link up on the right, his essay about homeless people is A+, #1 Super Fun-Time!!!
It's 10:30, and I'm sitting in my office, thinking about making some popcorn for breakfast. Mmmmmm, sweet buttery goodness. At this very moment there are some kids outside, playing Red Light, Green Light on the grass below my window. Sounds cool, right? Except, these kids are using "the language" if you know what I mean!
"Red light!! I said RED LIGHT FUCKFACE!!!!!!!!!", one kid screams.
"Well, fuck you....!", another kid defiantly replies.
This takes me back to when I was little, and the first few times I was caught using "the language". Probably the first time was when I was having my 6th birthday party. I was outside with a gang of my little friends, all us girls, playing some hopscotch on the street before my mom served the birthday cake. We all looked like little Marshmallow peeps, hopping around in our frilly little pastel dresses, curls and pig-tails bouncing to and fro. When suddenly, along came the Mulheisen brothers to spoil all my birthday fun!! (They were the brothers who live on the corner opposite of us, who I had a deep hatred for, since these bullies pelted me with rocks while I was riding my bike around the neighborhood the first day I moved in with my family. I chased down the one my age, Michael, and beat him up pretty bad, and made him cry, so henceforth we were Nemesis-es!)
Anyway, there we were, an army of well dressed, clean little girls, versus an army of messy, dirty little Mulhiesens. Not that I needed backup that day, I was an army of one.
"Get the FUCK off my property MOTHERFUCKER!!! Or I'll rip your GODDAMN balls off!!!!!" I yelled as I approached the marauders. My little friends stood behind me, shocked and surprised at my vast knowledge of "the language". My best friend Sara Marsh giggled. Sara always had my back.
Before the boys could even muster up a reply, from behind us coming from my house was a primal scream:
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?????!???"
Shit. It was my mom! In my fit of anger I had completely forgotten that mom had all the windows open!! Curses!!!
Needless to say, the party was over, literally.
I vowed then and there never to be caught using "the language" again. For now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Hey, my computer's all fucked up today! It keeps randomly shutting down like a cheap whorehouse. Anyway, I'll try to type fast, so here goes.
I read an article today about how they(yes, the ominous "THEY" are at it again! You read it here first!!) are opening a school specifically for gay students in NYC. Am I alone in thinking this is a bad idea? Aren't they encouraging segregation by doing this? I think that the acceptance of gays is much better than what it once was, but to me this is as stupid as opening a school for black kids, or asian kids. Can you imagine the controversy that would cause? This is like saying, "Yeah, we get that you're gay, so we'll pretend we respect you so much that we are willing to generously give you your own school, when really, we just want you the hell away from our 'normal' kids.". Although I DO remember being in class and one of my teachers asking, "Does anyone in here feel attracted to their own gender? Hmmm. Then you're gonna have a bitch of a time understanding this algebra problem...".
Okay, off my box of soap now.
Onto my other topic: RAISINS. When's the last time you saw someone eating a little box of raisins? For me it was probably 1st grade, Mrs. Maxon's class, snack time. Not that there's anything really wrong with raisins, they're okay I guess, but who eats them?? I can honestly say that not once in my adult life have I seen anyone carrying the little red "Sunmaid" box with the hot chick on it, eating the small brown gems on their way to work, or the shoe store, or the bank. And if nobody is eating raisins, why are they so many at the grocery store? There must be a lot of old ladies making oatmeal raisin cookies out there, then, cuz otherwise I'm stumped.

Friday, July 25, 2003

Well I've got 20 minutes until I can close up the office and go home for the weekend, so I thought I'd use these last 20 minutes to write something. The only trouble is, I got nothin' to say!! I do want to say thanks to Mike Toole, for the shout-out he gave me and my sister Lisa on his Blog. It's really cool to know that people really are reading this thing and find it funny besides, well, me and Lisa!! I just hope you don't find the passage about how my Grandpa was killed by lethal injection after blowing up that clown college with a pipe bomb funny. That shit ain't cool!!!!!
In any case, here's an interesting little news item I found today, about this little cat who turns out to be a piece o'shit criminal. I just hope my 2 cats Riley and Fizz don't take a cue from this one:

"SIMI VALLEY, Calif. - A cat burglar's booty is being hoarded in a Ventura County home.

A marauding feline named Midnight - now dubbed Klepto Cat - has been sneaking off in the dark to raid neighbor's homes, garages, sheds and patios, bringing home shoes, hats, shirts, socks and even a wrapped Christmas present.

It's stressful for pet owners Richard and Sue Boyd.

"We get so embarrassed by this," Sue Boyd said. "We wake up in the morning and go out and there's stuff under the truck . The cat leaves things all over. We don't want these things."

"He's a klepto cat," her husband said.

Each day, Midnight's owners leave a bag with the purloined goods hanging from their mailbox so neighbors can reclaim missing items.

It is unclear why Midnight prefers wearables."

Shit. I'm runnin' low on underpants. Hop to it, Fizzie!!

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Do they wear kilts in Ireland? I know they rock them in Scotland as part of their traditional costume, but I don't know if they wear them in both Scotland and Ireland. The reason I'm asking is because of these guys that Kane and I saw at a bar last night. We were there for his niece's birthday, and she has a pretty large group of friends, so it was in a closed-off section of the bar. Most of her friends are cut from the same mold, early 20's, sloppy, spikey headed, too cool for school types. I'm sure you've seen them in any local mall parking lot, or sitting behind you at a movie theater, kicking your chair and regaling tales of Steve-O throughout the film. So punk rock everyone my age is nowadays!!
Anyway, in the middle of this crowd sitting at their own table are three guys who don't quite fit the scene. They are all wearing matching plaid kilts, knee high socks and electric green t-shirts with IRELAND stamped across the front in glowing white letters. They all look like jocks. Two of them are really big guys, the kind that try to pass off fat for muscle, and the third is a really short, stocky guy with 80's hair that is shaved underneath and longish on top, and coated in a thick layer of hair gel for that oh-so-greasy effect. They didn't seem to know anybody there, and I kept wondering what their story was, and if they missed the big sign the waitress put up saying this sections was reserved for a party. I leaned over to Kane and whispered,"what's the deal with those guys?" and he said "I think they're a band." Of course! A band, one of those edgy, makin' a statement groups. OKAY!
So the party went on, and everybody was drinking and we had birthday cake and everything, and these guys were eatin' that shit up. The cake, I mean! Finally around 11:00 we decided to head out. So we get in the car and start to drive home and I asked Kane, "So what band were those kilt guys in?"
Kane:"Kilt guys?"
Me:"Yeah, the ones sitting right by us?"
K:"They weren't the band, the table in the corner was the band."
(I dimly recall a table full of dark-clothed skate punks in the back corner.)
Me:"Oh. Well then who were the kilt guys?"
K:"I have no idea! I was wondering who invited them!!"
So I think maybe it was one of those cases where someone must have been like, "Who are your friends?" and someone else went,"My friends? I thought they were with you!".
But in any case, I think they ate all the cake, that's my point!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

One time, when me and Kane were driving home from lunch, I made up this character and made him laugh so hard he had trouble driving. I have no idea where this idea came from, but sometimes you just gotta let things happen. I pretended I was an Italian girl who was adopted by a Japanese family when she was a baby, so she speaks with a japanese accent and has trouble with English. She is also obsessed with Whoopi Goldberg, and her favorite movie is "Jumpeen Jack Frash". Except I don't know any Japanese, so I just pretend I do but yelling out words like "Tomagachi!!" and "Yu-Gi-OH!!!!" and giggling uncontrollably. Someday I want to make a short film about her, like a documentary, and in the background of every scene I want a poster from a different Whoopi Goldberg movie, like "Theodore Rex" or "The Color Purple", only all the writing would be in Japanese. I'm guessing posters like that would be hard to find though, so I'd probably have to make them in Photoshop or something. Better get started now!
I make up wierd characters a lot, I guess. Another time I was hanging out with Lisa and I made up a character who is half human- half unicorn. I don't think I made up a name, but lets call her Stompy. Stompy has a horn growing out of her forhead and slurs her speech, and can tell you all you've ever wanted to know about life as a half-unicorn. Again, I don't know where this came from, but it really freaked out Lisa.
Another character I do is an old man with a Scottish accent, who lived in Allaire State Park in New Jersey in the early 1800's when it was just a settlement and he was just a lad. Then I go off on a tangent about the horrible day in 1836, when the local kids "thumped Billy!" in a snowball fight that turned brutal. They thumped him to death, then dragged his lifeless frozen body through through the snow, tied to a horse-drawn carriage, "I was there, and I SAW YA LAUGH, ya Wee BASTARD!!!!". Me and Lisa made this one up after we went to Allaire Village and we saw a Rockwell-esque painting there along one of the paths depicting a winter scene with a big snowball fight, except all the kids were aiming at one boy, so that's Billy Allaire. This was back in 1995, and I still add to the story all the time, getting more and more graphic about the way he died, and about his poor starvin' mum, "who waited all night for young William to return home for his evenin' meal, only to find out her youngest son's icy doom the next morn'. And I SAW YA LAUGH!!!!". I usually scream that last part right in Lisa's or my mom's face, and try not to laugh when they start cracking up.
I guess this stuff's not really funny unless I can do the "bits" for you in person. You know what, come on over some time. All of you! Sure! I'll make us waffles with butter and we can drink soda! Yeah!!!

P.S. I really didn't have anything to write about today.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

This one's for Rob,yo!

Hey everybody! It's been a while, whell i can't whrite when I have nothing to whsay! My brain's been on auto pilot for the past few days, I've been a little sickly, and haven't slept very much. Too much fun staying up and watching the Golden Girls on Lifetime. What can I say, I love my Rose Nylund, y'all!

ANYCRAP, I just went to Arby's to get a turkey and swiss market fresh sammich and cheese fries. On my way back to the office I saw this business woman I didn't recognize violently tugging on the door to my office. Because of the business I am in, we have a lot of security so you have to be buzzed in, you can't just open the door. There's all these magnets that you have to de-activate to release the locks on two sets of doors, and there are two cameras catching your every move. On the wall by the door there is a call button so you can let us know you're there and we can let you in, but this lady was obviously missing the obvious. I know I should have done the considerate, professional thing, and asked her how I could help her, and who did she need to speak with, but I didn't. Even though my cheese fries were gettin' soggier by the minute, I decided to hang by the elevator and watch for a bit, and see how long it took her to figure out there's a call button. She never did. She just kept tugging on the doorhandle and making angry remarks out loud to no one, like "This is ridiculous!!". Yes ma'am, it is entirely ridiculous that we have our precious "security" system, when someone who's obviously so important as yourself shouldn't be forced to obey our petty "rules" to gain access to our million dollar stock of jewelry and gems inside. The nerve of us, not letting Barbara Bitchfist come and go as she pleases. Ridiculous!!
Eventually she gave up and slammed open the doors adjacent to mine, stomping into the neighbor's office like she was gonna kick some innocent bystander ass. I took this opportunity to buzz myself inside as fast as possible, trying to get in without being seen. I failed though, because right as I was closing the second door, I saw her come running up and knocking on the glass. Always the courteous "sweetheart" that I am, I shut the door and pretended not to see her. I announced to the other people in the office to "check this shit out!", and we all watched on the security camera as she frantically slammed her manicured fists on the glass door, yelling something we could not hear. Finally Tony was the big man, and he pushed the Talk button.
Tony-"Can I help you"
Bitchfist-"BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!"(apparently she doesn't see that the Talk button and the Bell button are two seperate things.)
Tony-(sighs) "I'll be right out"
We watch as he goes outside and talks to the woman, who then storms off in the opposite direction as Tony comes back inside. Turns out Bitchfist had the wrong office.*
*Note: On our glass door is a rather large sign at eye level, with black, easy to read letters announcing: Mayfield's Inc. Suite 209

You know, it only takes a second to calm down and survey the scene. If it doesn't say D.D.S. or Dentist on our sign, and if you don't see a smiling cartoon molar holding a toothbrush, chances are you're in the wrong goddamn place! Man, wise up!

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Why the hell doesn't it rain in Arizona??? Today is the first cloudy day we've had since March, and everyone is hoping it will rain, but I'm thinking not. It's so dry here that I keep getting sinus infections and headaches from breathing in nothing but dust. Now, as a person not familiar with the ways of weather systems and the reasoning behind our wacky planet, I would think that the way we have weather at all is by clouds and wind drifting around our atmosphere. So how is it possible that as soon as any rainclouds approach the area high above Arizona, something in them says, "Ummmmm......... Nah!!!!" and floats the other way. Do these clouds have compasses and maps? Have we (meaning people in Arizona) somehow wronged these storm clouds? If so, what did we do to piss off our environment so much? I totally get that we can't have snow, I get that the leaves don't change color here, and that the summers are so brutally hot you can burn your fingerprints off by touching anything left in the sun for more than 5 minutes. But can't we at least have a little bit of precipitation? I think someone up there is trying to kill us.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Today Kane sent me a link to a website of "Celebrity Look-Alikes". So far I think I've looked at almost everyone on the site, and maybe, MAYBE like 2% of the people actually look like the celebrity they think they resemble. There's one that's supposed to look like Johnny Depp, but the picture only shows the guy's nose and eyes, and he's wearing black sunglasses. You can't even see his face! That'd be like me submitting a picture of my cheek and saying "Don't I look like Reese Witherspoon???".
Not only that, but I think every slut with a boob job thinks she looks like Pamela Anderson, every fat guy with a beard thinks he looks like Pavoratti, and every blonde bimbo thinks she looks like Marilyn Monroe. Sorry Losers. You are just very very sad. Especially you people who idolize Marilyn Monroe. I think girls like that have some serious underlying issues. Why would you idolize someone who was a crummy actress, who had the most annoying breathy voice in history, who slept with everyone, even the president and who died of a drug overdose? (OK, there's theories that she was killed, but I couldn't really give two shits about that "Theory". I have a theory that I'm sick of seeing fucking Marilyn Monroe all over the goddamn place!) Speaking of which, me, Kane, Lisa and Tom went to this party at this girl's house once, and her bathroom was like a shrine to Marilyn. Very unsettling. When I went in there there were a bunch of candles lit, and pictures of Ms. Monroe, all over EVERYTHING. There were piles of books about Marilyn Monroe on the floor next to the toilet, and even the shower curtain was staring at me through Marilyn's drugged-out eyes. It felt like I had stepped into some sort of religious ceremony, in which my pee was the last key ingredient to raise Marilyn Monroe's spirit from the dead. I half expected a scene like in Wierd Science when they have that indoor hurricane before the door bursts apart and Kelly LeBrock walks in. Only this time, it'd be Marilyn. AHHHHH!!!!
So here's the link to the site.
This page goes to the Hollywood section, but if you click on main menu, you can find more lookalikes that are equally shitty. Oh, if you actually do click on this link, be sure to look at Jean-Claude Van Damme. The guy really does look like him, it's wierd. Too bad he's in the minority though.
Sigourney Weaver, choking on a milk dud while sittin in the dirt outside a kindergarten classroom.

P.S. Also, just because you put black rimmed glasses on your retarded kid DOES NOT mean he looks like Harry Potter. Leave your fucking kid alone and stop trying to squeeze your 10 seconds of fame out of him!!

Friday, July 11, 2003

"OOoooo-ooo child, things are gonna get easier,
OOooooo-ooo child thing'll get bright-er!"
-Jason Bateman, wandering the aisles of Target wearing a children's milkshake Halloween costume, with his willy hangin' out the bottom.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

I want to make a tv show called "The Misadventures of Darius Dipshit". It will be a black(or African American, I don't want to offend nobody!) guy named Darius, who's a hardened thug Gangsta from the streets, and the show would open with him saying his catch-phrase "Sho' Nuff, Nigga.". Then he would maybe go into a little monologue about life in the hood or something, before he says"Let's get right to it..." and cut to footage of a church bake sale happening somewhere. Old people would be wandering from table to table, trying free samples before buying their bundt cake or oatmeal cookies while other old people standing behind the folding tables make small talk about their current medical ailments. After some particularly juicy footage of an elderly white woman wearing a crooked brown wig with some grey hair poking out underneath, taking a bite of coffee cake and leaving a ring of bright orange lipstick on it, we'd cut back to Darius. He'd say, "that's about all the time we have yo. See ya'll next week. Sho' Nuff.". Every week we'd get an inside look at life on the streets and church bake sales happening all across America.
What do you think?
As for the elderly white woman in the crooked wig with the orange lipstick, my Grandma's available. She showed up at our house like that once, I shit you not.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

What movies make you cry? If I try to name some of the ones that have caused me to shed a tear or two, it's hard. I know there's movies I've cried at. There's way more that I've laughed at, but that is neither here nor there.
Trying to come up with some movie that have made me cry, a few obvious ones come to mind. Titanic, but not for the obvious reasons. I cry when the old couple is holding one another as the water rushes in to their room on the ship. And I cry when the Irish lady is reading a story to her kids as the ship is sinking. Not when Leo dies, because hey Kate Winslet, why not let him have a turn on the fun piece of door or whatever. Would it have killed you to share that thing, like switch off maybe? I guess you'd rather kill DiCaprio. SELFISH!
Another one is A.I., which I did not expect to cry at, but there I was, pretending to have "something caught in my eye" when David sees his mom again before he dies. Sniffles. The opening scene to Tarzan gets me all choked up too. Watching as the baby gorilla gets killed right in front of his mother, and seeing her be all depressed kills me. Plus the magical music of Mr. Phil "Sue-Suedeo" Collins is enough to make anyone cry.
But there is one movie that is not such an obvious choice, which anyone besides Lisa just doesn't understand. That movie is "Popeye"starring Robin Williams and Shelley Duvall. It is a classic to me, a childhood favorite, next to Jaws. Growing up near the Atlantic Ocean, I was convinced this movie took place in Atlantic Highlands, a nearby small town right on the water full of hills and little old houses and docks that stink like dead fish. I still know the words to all the songs, and I remember when my mom would take me with her to the bank to get a free lollipop with her financial transaction, where the hell was Olive Oyl's house? This movie is all good times and nostalgia for me, UNTIL Sweet Pea gets kidnapped. Gasp!!!!! I believe it is right after Popeye punches out the tax man and throws him in the ocean, that the whole town comes out to celebrate. People are cheering and lifting Popeye up, so Wimpy offers to hold onto Sweet Pea(played by the cutest baby I've ever seen, by the way). Anyway, Wimpy runs away with Sweet Pea, and trades him to Big old villain Bluto for some hamburgers. Bluto wants the baby because he has the ability to pick winning race horses by whistling at them. (This all makes perfect sense when you're a kid!)
Popeye starts frantically screaming and searching for Sweet Pea, but to no avail, so he writes a letter to the babe and puts it in a baby bottle and floats it out to sea. This is by far one of the most devastating movies scenes in history to me. Hearing Popeye lazily mumbling aloud his letter to Sweet Pea, set to a big, sweeping orchestration and throwing the baby bottle into the water is very sad. But what I can't take is during the closing instrumentals of the song, we see the bottle floating along in the water and the camera pans up to the baby's face staring out a little circular window on a boat, crying. He looks at a sleeping, snoring Bluto, and chews on his fingers, his face streaked with tears, and says in his saddest little baby voice, "Popeye".
Holy shit, it's tearing me up right now and I'm not even watching the movie. I gotta stop now. Where's da tissues?

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Why is it when people (mostly women) say "That's HYSTERICAL!" about something, they never actually laugh? Like if you are in an office working, and this is just, um, hypothetically speaking of course, and you show someone a picture of Corin Nemec (Parker Lewis CAN Lose) being punched in the junk by a monkey, they just look at it and give a half-assed smile and say "That's HYSTERICAL!". Yeah, so why no laugh, Ho?
Wow, it's been a while since I last wrote anything. Who's Johnny Lazybitch, huh?? Me, that's who!
Actually I had a vacation last week for the 4th. Our office was closed on Wednesday the 2nd and didn't re-open until Monday the 7th. It was gooooood. I took the opportunity to go swimming, spend tons o' money at the mall and bond with my new baby kitten, Fizzgig. Fizzie for short. He's a little orange cat with big green and blue eyes(not one of each color, fuck!) and my sister's boss found him outside either a Blockbuster or a chinese restaurant or something. He was either trying to rent "Goodburger" or about to become Kitty Cow Mein. Either way he's safe with me and my other cat, Riley. The two of them wrestle and throw each other around a lot. I think they like each other, at least I hope so cuz Fizzie's an A-number 1 super sweet boy.
That's all I got!
Heather Langenkamp, picking her teeth with her car keys while riding on the Scrambler at the Fireman's Fair.