Thursday, April 28, 2005

Last night I went to the mall and bought myself a new pair of maryjanes. I love them so much, I had to post about them. Some lady stopped me in the parking lot after Lisa dropped me off after lunch, and said she loved them and asked where I got them. I thought that was nice, no one seems to compliment anymore very much anymore, so it was cool of her. YaY new shoes!

While I'm on the subject, here's some more stuff I bought recently, and don't know how I ever lived without.
graphic t-shirt:

another graphic t-shirt:

Monday, April 25, 2005

Today Taryn gave me a catalog called "Toscano", which contains some of the ugliest shit you've ever seen in your life. Here is "The Goddess Laurel" wall sculpture, which has got to be the ugliest piece of wall art this side of my grandma's house. I never knew that trees had crotches, and rather ample bosoms. You can put this in your son's room to scare him into submission, and you can leave it there straight on through puberty so mother nature can be responsible for your son's sexual awakening. Just don't be surprised if you get a call from his school that your kid has been humping trees during recess.
Two words: Timeless, and Classy. I'd be proud to display this fabulous depiction of wet, sweaty man-love in my personal art collection. And it's mine for only $45! Score!
Where was this catalog when I was looking for a life-size casting of Abe Lincoln's face---sans eyes---for Mom's b-day? Do you think it'll make it here in time for Mothers day?

Friday, April 22, 2005

One Halloween when I was about 7 or 8, my mom made me the coolest princess costume. It was a long pink, green and white dress with lots of lace, and a pointy hat with a veil hanging down from the top. I loved it so much. I was the envy of every girl in my class that Halloween, and I swear I got more candy than any other year trick or treating. I felt like a real princess.
Anyway, after Halloween, my mom packed it away in a box in our attic, and I forgot all about it. One summer afternoon a year or two later, I was up in the attic fooling around and going through other people's shit, when I found the dress. Man was I excited! I pulled it out of the box, and threw it on over my fluorescent t-shirt and shorts. It still fit! YES!
I excitedly began dancing around the attic (which was quite a feat since the ceiling was very low and there was shit wall-to-wall). I had to carefully maneuver around boxes and old furniture and assorted other crap. Everything was going great, and I was a princess once more, until I felt a sharp yank on the back of the dress. I froze. What the hell was that?? Did Lisa catch me and was she gonna make fun of me? Was it a ghost? The Devil?
Slowly, I turned around to see that the bottom hem of the back of my beautiful princess gown was caught in the blades of our huge attic fan. This fan was set into the wall of the attic, about 4 feet tall with no protective cover, and helped to circulate air through our very old house in the summertime. And right then it had my gorgeous dress in it's grasp.
I didn't know what to do. I tried to yank the dress out of the blades, but that was a bad idea. Now I had somehow gotten the dress out of the blades and into the center of the fan, and it was now slowly pulling me towards it, and eating the shit out of my dress. I started panicking and pulling harder, but my puny muscles were no match for this giant steel monster. I was being sucked into the fan, and was too scared or stunned to think about calling for help. I think a decent amount of embarrassment might have played into it too. I frantically looked around for some way to turn the fan off, but there was nothing. Luckily because of the fabric stuck in the gears, the fan was moving much slower than usual, or I would've been dead. I kept pulling and yelling and cursing, all the while inching closer to certain death for both me and my dress. Finally with one enourmous YANK! the dress pulled free.
I fell back onto the old wooden floor, exhausted and wide eyed. I got up and pulled the dress off, which was now just a shirt with a bunch of dirty pink, green and white shreds in place of the once-majestic skirt. Quickly I shoved it back into the box, and ran down the attic steps, slamming the door shut behind me.
When we were selling that house about 5 years later, we went through everything, looking for stuff to throw out or put in our yard sale. When my mom pulled that dress out of the box, she was like,"My god, what happened to this???". I tried to sound totally casual, like I didn't almost die in that dress, and said,"I don't know. I haven't touched it since that Halloween.".
The whole point is, as a kid, I was a fucking liar.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Last night I learned how to crochet a purse by following instructions to make an iPod cover, then just making it bigger. So far it looks really good, much better than I expected! Now I just wish I was home, camped out on the couch in my pajamas, working on my purse and listening to some good music. Instead I'm at work, fighting hunger pains since it's only 9:56AM, and that's too goddamn early to eat lunch. But right now I'd kill someone for a big bowl of Olive Garden's salad. If anyone wants to be my new favorite person, you can bring one to my office. Just ring the bell out front. I'll come out and meet you and we can share it. I'll even let you eat the pepperoncini's. Especially since I hate those.

Friday, April 15, 2005

My office is on the second floor of a building, and you have two options to get up here. One is you can take the stairs, and the other is you can take the elevator. This elevator's only purpose is so that the elderly and disabled can get up to see their doctor or dentist, who are also on the second floor. It is also good for the UPS or FedEx guys, if they have large packages to deliver. It is NOT for people who are too fucking lazy to walk up one goddamn flight of steps when they are clearly in good enough health to walk. Or for fat people who don't want to lose any of their precious "fat collection". I see this kind of crap more times a day than I can count, and it just gets under my skin and pisses me off.
What's even dumber, I think, is that it takes 3 times as long to take the elevator than it does just to go up the stairs. You have to push the button, and wait for the thing to come down to get your lazy ass, then get in and wait for the super-slow doors to close, then ride up, then wait for the super-slow doors to open, and by this time I could have walked up and down the steps several times.
Come on people. A little tiny bit of exercise won't kill you. Unless that super-sized Big Mac value meal and X-Large soda is just waaaay too heavy for you to carry upstairs, in which case, take the elevator! My god, how did you even get here from the car?? Did someone push you in a wheelchair? You must be tired. Have some more fries.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I just want to say my boyfriend is hot.

There, I said it.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Saturday night we went to an 80's party, and it was fun to get all decked out in our best bright blue eyeshadow and upturned collars and side-ponytails. I decided to take some "Glamour Shots", but there was something missing when I looked at the pictures this morning. Perhaps a unicorn? Here's Kane and I, posing with our favorite mythical beast. I think I'll print this one out and frame it to hang over the kitchen stove. It's just that classy.
Uh-huh. Jen does her best Madonna impression from the Desperately Seeking Susan-era. I thought putting her picture on a nice brandy snifter would be just the thing to class this picture up. The tiny bottle of brandy is just a bonus.
As I look at this picture, I hear the beat to "She-Bop".
Ahh, Love. 80's style!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

If you've been reading Lisa's blog, you've heard the endless speculation about the Pope.
But here's a little Pope trivia for y'all:
He co-wrote the lyrics for Elton John's 1970's hit "Crocodile Rock". Check it out:

I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun
holding hands and skimming stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
But the biggest kick I ever got
was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock
we were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock

Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
when your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
when Suzie wore her dresses tight
and the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
But the years went by and the rock just died

Suzie went and left us for some foreign guy
Long nights crying by the record machine
dreaming of my Chevy and my old blue jeans
But they'll never kill the thrills we've got
burning up to the Crocodile Rock

In Jesus's Name, Amen.