Monday, February 28, 2005

"And then my action ran out."-Tick Tock
"Be sure you don't pick a green one!"-Belina
"Um, whoa, whoops!! My wing fell off or something."-Gump
"Why the hell was I alright as a kid but now I'm completely heinous?"-Fairuza Balk
Last night I had an Oscar party, which was fun even though the Oscars weren't. I made baked ziti and garlic bread, and Brianna and Robert brought a bunch of cookies and candy and beer. They also printed up some oscar ballots for us so we could predict who was going to win, and we had a 25 cent pool going to see who guessed the most winners. We're all really broke, but even so I probably wouldn't throw in more than a quarter over the stupid oscars anyway.
After watching this long, very boring show I just have one thing to say, and that is Chris Rock set black people back about 60 years. Now Mr. Rock, I am aware that your whole carreer is based on the differences between blacks and whites, and that's fine if it works for you, but the Oscars should merit just a little bit of class, don't you think? (Also, just for the record Chris, you're holding a microphone. You don't need to shout everything, asshole.) Chris Rock is not alone in unravelling racial equality though, whoever directed the Oscars also has to share the blame. Why was it that the only reaction shots they cut to while Chris Rock was stumbling over his lame jokes were of P. Diddy, Oprah, Spike Lee, Morgan Freeman, and Samuel L. Jackson? We were all joking that you could actually see Oprah shaking her head, thinking that she really had her work cut out for her this week to make up for this shit. And if that weren't bad enough, every time a hispanic person was on stage, they cut to Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz or Speedy Gonzalez. OK, maybe not the last one, but you know they really wanted to! Where is George Lopez when you need him?!
I'm just glad that Sideways didn't win anything. I don't know why but I have a personal problem with Paul Giamatti. I think he looks like he'd be a huge dick in real life. He kind of carries himself like he should be rewarded for just being his awesome independent-film self. But aside from that guy, it's a movie about drinking wine and golfing. Two things that pretty much guarantee that I won't like that movie. Yeah, I'm judging that book by it's cover, but ask me if I care. Answer: nope!
Oh, by the way, me and Jen tied for most correct guesses, and we split the pot, so that was, drumroll please.........$2.00 for each of us! Woo-hoo!! I am a high-roller. That's right, today I had chips AND a drink with my sub! Didn't even blink once when I ordered it. Well, maybe a little, but that was only to keep airborn dust out of my precious, lucky eyes.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Kane emailed me the other day about JAWSFEST 2005, and I really wish I could go! Jaws is one of my all-time favorite movies, and Jawsfest sounds like so much fun. I remember a really long time ago, we took a family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, which just happened to be the same time that a shark hunt was going on. It was so creepy, dead sharks hanging everywhere, upside down, with all of their guts falling out of their mouths. Needless to say, I didn't have much of an appetite during that trip. Poor sharks, just swimming along doing what instinct tells them to do, then WHAMMO! some guy yanks their ass out of the water and hangs 'em upside down so they can take a picture next to it. I'm glad there's no TRISH hunts in Martha's Vineyard, because I do not want to be caught and become dead. I just want to walk along, doing what instinct tells me to do, such as eat ice cream and argue with my family! Hopefully wearing a suit as cool as the mayor's in this picture. Very nautical.

Everybody's lining up to be a hot lunch! Close the beaches! Don't be hatin'!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

My assistant is making a sign for our trade show booth that says,"PEARL NECKLACES, $100 each". I walked past her computer and just burst out laughing. I think maybe I should send a picture of it to Maxim's "Found Porn" column.
Last night my mom called me and told me to turn on the news. They were doing a story about this fly that lays eggs under your skin and you don't know it until the larvae pops out of your skin. It was so gross, it looked like the turkey was done! POP. But the funniest part was when the reporter was talking about other parasites you can pick up in other countries, and one of them was a kind of parasite you can get from swimming in South America, which the reporter said gives you,"The unpleasant-sounding DIARRHEA FOR LIFE.". I swear I heard the guy take a quick pause after saying that, as if to gain his composure to keep from laughing. That was probably the first time the phrase DIARRHEA FOR LIFE was ever spoken during the prime time news. I witnessed a milestone.
My mother was still on the phone with me throughout the story, and all I could hear was her laughing so hard she was couldn't catch her breath.
DIARRHEA FOR LIFE. Think about that.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Today being Valentine's Day, I decided to get into the spirit a bit by looking at some old, romantic valentines from yesteryear. The art is just so beautiful, and the messages right just as true today as they did long, long ago. Happy Valentine's Day, dear readers.
That Queen sure does look familiar....
Shockingly inappropriate.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Does anyone remember Picture Pages? Anyone? Here's the esteemed Mr. Bill Cosby holding up a large, crudely made model of Mortimer, his magical pen that he used to draw picture pages. Bill looks kind of sad here. Or maybe he was just preoccupied thinking about drugging women and fondling them. Can you draw THAT, Mortimer?

p.s. If you click on the Picture Pages link above, make sure you check out the picture gallery. These pictures are so awesome, you're not even gonna belive it. Awesome.
"Those are some magical guys..."
Kat put a joke on her blog that I think deserves repeating:
"What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?"
"Christopher Walken.".
I know this joke is in poor taste, but so is my sense of humor.
Thanks Kat!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Here's the picture I was working on for Lisa's christmas card back in December. I never did finish it, because I just kind of looked at it one day and said,"What the hell is this?". So here you go Lisa, Merry Christmas.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Last night I went to a small film festival with Kane, Lisa & Allison, called No Festival Required. Let me just say this before I even get started: I am embrassed to tell people I am an artist for fear of being grouped together with the "non-conformist" assholes who make stupid pretentious arthouse films like the ones I saw last night.
There were only two (maybe 3) movies that I liked, and they were the last two. I liked them because neither was filmed in black and white, and neither was narrated by some tripped-out "enlightened" tragic artist who recites poems about how love is an illusion, and how society needs an enema. Neither one was saturated with thinly(or in some cases-thickly) veiled political commentary. The two that I liked actually told stories, and had real people, instead of endless crudely filmed shots of windy roads and naked tree branches against a barren grey sky. I say that I maybe liked 3 of them, because the third was an obvious rip-off of SNL's Fun With Real Audio sketch. It still made me giggle though, so I forgive it.
Now I understand that not every movie has to tell a story, and that film itself is a blank canvas with which we can express anything we want. I appeciate that these people are at least trying to think creatively. So all of the movies at least get a C for effort. But my god, stop working so hard to get your message across until you are sure of what that message is! You're not fooling us by using big words that you just looked up in your thesaurus. Every art student film is exactly the same, with the same 3 things to say:
1. Love sucks. Whoever makes these movies has been scorned by someone they felt they had an eternal connection with. They probably believe they met this someone long before this life, but luckily they ran into them at Starbucks. There's nothing much to say about love sucking, except that it's a lie and it brings nothing but pain and makes you listen to your stupid wimpy whiney music and cry alone in your room in your parent's basement. Get over yourself.
2.The world is toxic, and the government wants us all to be miserable. The movies about this stuff are always, ALWAYS black and white, and are so deep that it hurts. These are the musings of a 19 year old kid who sees the world clearly since experimenting with drugs, and now has EVERYTHING figured out, and knows everything there is to know about the world.
3. No message...or is there? These movies are just random, unrelated shots (probably just stuff that the filmmaker thinks look cool), with some distorted voices or just a bunch of mechanical beeps and blips over it. Don't get the message?? Don't worry, the guy who made the movie doesn't either, but he's gonna play it off like you're just not smart or lucky enough to understand. You're probably too jaded by society and conformity. Poor little sad you. Example: one of the films last night was just a shot of a car's turn signal arrows, blinking left for a minute, then a shot of a blank blue screen, then the right turn arrow, blinking for another minute, then a shot of a blank yellow screen, etc. This went on for about 5 minutes. Over these images, we hear what sounded like a heavily distorted police radio. Oooooo. Lisa said she thinks it was supposed to be something about 9-11. But what?, she was not enlightened enough to figure out.
Like I said, at least these people are trying to be creative, and that's more than I'm doing at the moment. But overall, the films were pretentious crap, and had us laughing all the way home.
So I am an artist. Just please don't call me one!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Yay! I just took the "Which The State Character are you?" quiz and I'm Captain Monterey Jack!!!! Fuckin Sweeet!

You are Captain Monterey Jack. You spend your time in the noble pursuit of improving young minds with the wisdom you've collected throughout your life. Your feet may sometimes betray you, and you oftentimes receive strange looks for your advice, but you rest well with the surety that Thomas Edison was a bastard to his wife and kids.

Still, I was kinda hoping I'd be Barry or Lavonne, or maybe their $240 worth of pudding. I guess that'd be a lot to ask for though.
Everyone take the quiz and tell me who you are! First one to be Doug wins my respect forever.
I'm outta here.