Monday, November 29, 2004

Today I have the biggest urge to ditch work and go home, and watch Crybaby and eat tons of ice cream. Ha! I almost wrote "dick work". Anyway I can't because I'm too damn responsible for my own good. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was really good, and I made my very first apple pie ever. And it was good.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Hmmm. No sign of Grandma Shitz. I don't know if maybe she's taking a Thanksgiving break or what, but I'm still waiting for her.
In the meantime, I've been keeping busy. Training my new assistant has been keeping me busy, but it's going even better than I thought it would. The Christmas rush is just starting, so I've been trying to get all the orders done that have been coming in, but it's getting hard. It takes normally about 3-4 weeks to make a piece of jewelry, and these people want it in 5 days. Not happening. So since I'm the one who takes all of the customer's abuse when their stuff doesn't arrive in time, I've just been working non-stop, rushing absolutely everything that touches my desk. The other day I was filling out an order sheet and in the "Date Required" section, I wrote "7 days". This made me think of The Ring, which made me laugh, because the order was also for a ring. Then I was walking around the office all day whispering "7 DAYS.". I don't think anyone knew what the hell I was doing though.
On Sunday night, me and Kane and Lisa went to see "Finding Neverland". I totally loved it. Great movie, made me cry a little. OK, a lot. But I would be lying if I said it didn't make me think of Michael Jackson. That motherfucker ruined the Peter Pan story for me forever. There was one scene in the movie where a man is talking to J.M. Barrie about how much time he spends with Kate Winslet (character name??) and her four boys. He tells Barrie that people are talking, and implying things about his relationship with the boys in particular. Then old J.M. says something to the effect of,"No! How could anyone think that?? They're just innocent young boys...". Luckily I was able to push that moonwalking bitch out of my mind and enjoy the movie, but still, in our minds the three of us were all hearing a freakishly soft voice saying, "Nooooo, that's ignorant. You're being ignorant...".
Last night Lisa and I went to Allison's house to have dinner and watch "Family Guy". We brought dessert with us, a cookies & cream cake. It was so good, but there was a lot left over. Since Allison was on a diet she made us take it home, so we got halfway there before we decided we didn't really want it, and it would either go stale and mouldy on our kitchen counter, or we'd eat it all and get sick from it. So I rolled down the car window and chucked it out, frisbee-style. In midair the container popped open and the cake just sort of blew apart, splattering all over the side of the road. It felt oddly satisfying, throwing a cake from a moving car like that. I recommend trying it sometime, that is if you are ever in a situation of cake surplus. Good times. Anyway, Lisa and I rationalized throwing it away because it had "shmutz" all over the top. I called and told Kane about all of this when I got home, and his roommate Rob said, "Isn't shmutz Jewish people's blood?". I was referring to the cookie crumbs on top as shmutz, but whatever!
Here endeth the lesson.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The Shitting Bandit (Almost) Strikes Again!
Today the old lady came back. Luckily I was poised and ready to go with the camera, so here she is. She didn't actually "go" today, she just did a quick walk-by, but Kane and I are guessing it was only because there were two women sitting on a bench nearby, and that might have spooked her. Too many witnesses. But don't worry, I'll keep the camera ready and if I see her, she's getting her picture took! This is so messed up. This is probably someone's grandma, people. Grandma.

P.s. What's that white stuff she's holding? Innocent plastic bag, or toilet paper? You decide.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Holy crap!
Today that old lady that I wrote about last week came back. Kane was in my boss's office, and he called out,"Trish, look!!! There she is!!". Sure enough, the old lady in the green shirt was back again. I called out to Taryn, who came running into my office just in time to see the old woman pull down her pants and use the front lawn of the house across the lake as her own personal toilet. What the fuck??? This time we know she HAS to be doing this for a reason, because it was in the exact same spot right in front of a house, and the woman even peeked through the bushes of the house to check and see if someone saw her. Then she booked it out of there. The other thing is, it happened last Tuesday afternoon, now today. I think next Tuesday I'm going to have my camera at the ready and try to take a picture of this Shitting Bandit. My theory is that her husband left her for someone younger (who doesn't shit on things outdoors in broad daylight) and they live in that house. Jilted ex-wife, or chronic crapper. You make the call!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Here's a few thoughts on the Scott Peterson Guilty verdict from me and Lisa.
Lisa: "Maybe she got thrown overboard, and dismembered by the fishes. Cuz fishes are very vishes."
Me: "Fine!! You think he's so innocent? YOU date him!"

Here's something I meant to write about a few days ago, but keep forgetting to. Here we go.
I think it was on either Monday or Tuesday, Kane and I were in my office working on some sapphires. The work gets really tedious, and can strain the hell out of your eyes, so you need to take a lot of breaks to look out the window at something far away to stretch your eyes. Anyway, Kane is taking one of these breaks, and suddenly I hear,"Uhhh.......Trish? Are you seeing this?"
"Seeing what?"
"That old lady out there, across the lake?"
"What old lady, I don't see any old lady."
"Right there, she's bending down and..."
"Oh, yeah, I see her. OH!!! Is she taking a shit????!!?"
"I think so."
Yeah. There was an old woman, probably in her sixties, with her pants down either peeing or crapping on some guy's lawn. Right in broad daylight, in full view of the world. Then she pulled up her slacks(old ladies call them slacks) and briskly walked away, disappearing behind the trees and bushes around the corner.
Man, I've seen some shit from my office window before. But never REAL shit. That's new.

Friday, November 05, 2004

"Mr Healey...". This guy's now a roadie for a bunch of lame garage bands. Ah, the magic of Hollywood.
is it just me, or......

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Today I was looking around on American Eagle's website for some ideas for christmas presents. I decided I really hate their logo shirts right now. Usually they have some cute ones, but these are pitiful. Here's my ideas, if they ever decide they want to hire me as a designer. I think people would totally buy these. I would, anyway!


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

So we put an ad in the paper for a new assistant for me. Actually this person is going to be trained to take over my job when I leave for NJ in April. So far no one really promising has come along, but they do keep getting stranger. The ad was:
Design Asst. FT. Good w/color sorting, creative, independent. Skilled at detailed drawing & computer. Photography, Photoshop & website experience a +.
Today I got a resume from this one guy, who was a crew trainer at McDonald's. He did go to Collins College, so he's probably just a web design guy. But he had two web addresses under "Examples of my work". One was a photography website, I'm guessing his mom's since they shared a last name, and she looked a little too old to be his wife or something. The next was a Blog-style page, with a few entries, one of which was the following:

Children's fears ... me with a shovel, a trash bag, and some duct tape
Step one : find a small child preferably 3-5 years of age
Step two : lure them in to your white van with the prmise of puppies/candy
Step three : give them candy/puppy laced with knock out drugs
Step four : once they have passed out use duck tape to hog tie their feet and hands
Step five : bludgeon them to death with your shovel
Step six : make sweet, sweet love to thier carcass
Step seven : cut them into peices
Step eight : with the shovel bury their tiny little pieces
Step nine : rinse and repeat steps 1-9

Now, lucky for him I'm not easily offended, but if you were sending out resumes and wanted to show examples of your work, is this something you would want your prospective employers to see?? Also, I don't quite get what his "work" is, anyway. If he designed the websites, they are painfully basic and not at all impressive, and one of them has such a high bandwidth that it takes way longer to load than it ever should. But if he wanted me to be impressed with his writing skills he failed! I'm really looking for someone who's NOT a lunatic. Sorry guy. I guess I'm gonna have to go with the guy who was a "Fish Processor" and didn't graduate high school. And no, I'm really not making that up.