Thursday, September 25, 2003

Gold teeths is hard to come by. Fake ones, that is. Kane is being Jack Sparrow (POTC) for Halloween, and he needs some gold teefs to complete the illusion. So yesterday I had a day off of work to take Fizzie to the vet to get neutered. (Awww, poor ball-less kitten!). Anyway, while he was at the vet, I went to Buffalo Exchange. In case you don't know what that is, it's a really trendy store where you can sell or trade your old clothes, IF they are deemed "cool" enough by the various gay men and anorexic girls who look down on you, umm, I mean work there. So I brought a couple of old t-shirts and jeans, which they bought surprisingly. Usually they look at my old crap and pull it apart, telling me why they don't want my stuff in earshot of whoever's around, and it's pretty embarassing to have them loudly point out a mustard stain on the crotch of your old pants. Anyway, Buffalo Exchange is really overpriced, considering the majority of what they sell is all old and used. They do have some new stuff, and yesterday they happened to have some new Halloween stuff. I was killing time by going through their endless supply of mullet wigs and Austin Powers teeth, when a glimmer of gold caught my eye. It was a snap-on gold tooth, and fortunately it was in a sealed package, NOT previously used by some "funny" abercrombie guy who went as a pimp last Halloween, and had some of his skinny blond abercrombie girlfriends dress up as "sexy" prostitutes. Yeah, get used to that costume, girls, prepare for what your drunk-ass future holds! But I digress....
I was pretty excited to find it, because I'd been going around to stores for a while trying to find some gold teef for Kane, and it just so happened it was the last one there! SCORE! The only thing was, it cost $8. Pretty costly, since it's really just a piece of gold foil, but whatever. Nothing's too good for my baby! So I bought it and gave it to Kane last night and he tried it on, and guess what? The fucking thing doesn't work. You'd think for $8 you'd be able to get a fake gold tooth that stays on your teeth, but apparently not. It stays in if he keeps his teeth clenched, but how's a nigga supposed to bob for apples or drink rum straight from the bottle like that??
Oh well, maybe he can glue it on with a lil' Dentu-grip(TM).
And just in case you were wondering, Fizzie's fine. He's currently recovering in my bathroom, since there's less stuff he can try to jump up on in there. It was funny because he was still all groggy when I got him home yesterday, and when he tried to take a drink from a bowl of water, he misjudged the distance and dunked his whole face in there.
>^..^< "meow!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

That's wierd, my computer can't find my blog page. Or Lisa's. I hate when I know I'm typing in the write address but it just goes to the domain lander page, and offers to search for women's designer fragrances for me instead. No, thanks.
So yesterday I got in a car accident. Not my fault!! I was driving into my apartment complex and far ahead of me at the turn of the road was a black Jetta that was just sitting there. I slowed down, since it wasn't moving and I couldn't drive around it, when all of a sudden the girl starts backing up. I backed up a little, but I couldn't go too far because I would have ended up out in traffic. I stopped my car, as this person is still inching backward. Then I guess she just decided to lean on the gas, because she started speeding backwards. I started honking my horn and shouting (as if that could help when honking obviously doesn't) but this dumb bitch wails right into me anyway! She hit the front of my car so hard that the cd's under my stereo flew into the backseat and passenger's seat and my car got knocked back a few feet. I was so mad, upset, shaken, etc.
I turned off my car and got out and so did the other girl, and the first thing out of her mouth is,"Oh my god, did you just hit me??!?!".
WHAT??? Are you serious? You're the one flying backwards at top speed without looking in your mirror and you think I hit YOU?? Luckily and miraculously there's really no damage to my car, only a few scrapes of black paint. Hers had a lot of my red paint and was pretty dented up. I was ready to punch this bitch out but she was all upset and apologizing, and she said that this was her second car accident this week. Hmmmm, doesn't that tell you something? I didn't bother exchanging info with her since there was no damage, but the other reason was I was scared she'd try to turn this around on me somehow. She seemed like that type, especially when the first thing she said was "Did you just hit me?". But I found out her name and where she works, and if ANYTHING goes wrong with my car, I'm coming to get you Barbara.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I just read Lisa's blog about Pennsylvania Dutch Country, and I just have to say that that was one of the worst family vacations we ever took, and that includes the time we stayed at a South Jersey campground totally infested with biting flies. It wasn't like we were fighting or anything like that, it was just so boring. Even our parents looked bored, it was so obvious they were faking interest in how quilts are made. We went on a tour of some house which was set up like a traditional Amish household, and I remember my dad saying just loud enough for us to hear,"I wonder where they go when they have to make a doody? (Insert fart noise here)", and my mom going, "Tssssss" (this is her noise of disapproval) as Lisa and I had the first genuine laugh since setting foot in Amish country.
I remember it was all grey and depressing outside when we went to that restaurant, and the food being so bad I can still taste it 15 years later. There was a huge bowl of peas in front of me and they were drenched in some unidentified gelatinous goo, and my mom kept telling me to try some. Ugh, regular peas are bad enough. Me and Lisa couldn't wait to go home and watch "Heathers" and daydream about hanging out with Christian Slater. Surely Christian Slater wouldn't be caught dead in Amish Country.
I'm really glad that someone tried to cut off David Blaine's water supply to that little box he's living in. Apparently David got a "rude awakening" when someone "climbed" up and tried to "hack through" the water hose. I hope this story doesn't shatter any illusion he might have been attempting, like "Watch as I create water from the thin air inside my enclosed chamber!" Then he'd drink water from his hand (out of the tube that he has weaved through the sleeve in his jacket) and all the people would should "Hallelujah! All praise David!!" Then the queen would knight him and he'd get some Grade-A tail from some british models.
I actually think David Blaine is a piece of crap. He is not a magician, like Houdini or TBS's fabulous"The Masked Magician", but rather like he's auditioning for "Jackass". I was praying he'd freeze to death in that block of ice last year, but unfortunately he made it out alive and well, just in time to nail Fiona Apple. And that whole cutting-off-his-ear stunt he did at that press conference was not spectacular or awe-inspiring, it was just stupid and gross. I could be an amazing "magician" too if I had a team of special FX makeup artists to do all the work for me. I liked when Johnny Knoxville let the baby alligator bite his nipple better. Now that was magical!!
Also, why did D.B. choose to go to England for this pointless stunt? Did he figure the rest of the world doesn't make fun of America enough yet, so maybe he should bring his stupidity to another country and show them, "It's not just a rumor, I really AM this retarded!" I bet he think's when he's done with this trick he'll have a shot with Paris Hilton. Isn't that really why he does this shit anyway? So he can hang out with actors and rock stars and trick innocent dumb models into believing he has talent too?
I hope he gets killed this time. Maybe someone will cut off his air supply. Not "I'm all Out of Love" Air Supply, his oxygen so he can't breathe and he suffocates to death. That'd be a stunt I'd want to see. Does he take requests?

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I am all alone in the office, for now anyway. Everyone called and said they were gonna be late. Well not me, dammit! I got up exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave, in fact I got dressed in such a hurry that I'm wearing a pajama shirt today. The reason I slept a little late was due to Fizzie (my kitten).
I lock him out of my room at night because otherwise he jumps all over me and meow's with his little scratchy baby voice, and I needs my sleep y'all. But he managed to wake me up around 5 anyway, because he just discovered that he can get mom mad enough to open her door if he claws at the rug. He cries at the same time he does it, and after a while I can't take any more. Plus I lost my security deposit on my last apartment because my other cat tore up the rug. Not this time!! So I got up and let him in, and he ran into my room and jumped right up on the bed, and settled down into the warm spot where I had just been sleeping, and quickly closed his eyes. With a tired groan I slid his little bread-loaf body over and climbed into bed next to him, just praying he would let me fall back to sleep and not get the sudden urge to attack me. Kittens are finicky like that. But I guess Fizz was pretty content, because he put his little face next to my big face and started licking my nose and forehead. He likes to give kissses a lot, but sometimes it starts to hurt, because cats have very abrasive tongues, and even if you push him away he still creeps back over and goes back to kissin'. Kane can confirm this, since he is Fizzie's favorite person to kiss. One time I had to stop him while Kane was sleeping because I didn't want him to wake up with little bloody patches on his forehead. Anyway, I pushed him away and rolled over, but soon I felt his little paws on my side as he climed over me and proceeded to lick my right eyelid. I picked him up and put him back where he was, and rolled back over, then I felt him snuggle into the back of my neck. I think that's about where I fell asleep again, because I woke up to my alarm screaming "My Own Worst Enemy" or whatever that awful Pink song is called. I turned off the alarm and looked over at Fizz, and had to laugh at what I saw. He was fast asleep, but he had a bunch of my hair sicking out of his mouth. I got nervous for a second that I had a big bald spot on the back of my head, but no, it's all present and accounted for. I guess he was chewing on my hair or something while I was sleeping and a few strands came loose. I tried to pull the hair out of his mouth carefully, but he woke up anyway and sneezed, then fell right back to sleep.

Monday, September 08, 2003

When I was little I remember listening to the radio in the car on the way to school, and there was always a word that the DJ said that I didn't understand. I thought about it a lot back then when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and it didn't make any sense. I was too embarassed to ask my mom or the teacher or anything, but when we learned about dictionaries, it was one of the first words I looked up. It wasn't in there. This continued to confuse me, but as I got older I forgot about it completely. Then about 3 or 4 years ago I was listening to the radio, and it all came flooding back to me. The DJ said,"...and that was the traffic report for today, stay tuned for sports and weather next.". So THAT'S what they've been saying all these years, not "weathernecks". I felt both totally proud that I had finally solved this conundrum, yet at the same time incredibly stupid because it took me that long to figure it out. I guess the only excuse I can think of is that the DJ's in Jersey on CBS.FM talk too goddamn fast and don't pronunciate clearly. So it's either that or I'm dumb. And for some reason in my youth I associated the term "weathernecks" with Rubbermaid garbage cans. I can't imagine why now, but it made sense back then.
Maybe I shouldn't have blogged about this. This is embarassing.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Did you know that Sophia Loren won an Oscar for a role she played in a language that was completely foreign to her? I think that's pretty sweet. I have enough trouble making up spanish words when I make fun of Jennifer Lopez. Sophia Loren also has really bad stage fright and has never performed on a stage. So she may have that Oscar, but I got her beat in the stage department. I've been in a bunch of plays. What's that Sophia?? You're in awe of my talents? Well, who could blame you, honey.
I found this crap out on, I love that website. I go on there and look up random movies and read all the trivia and bloopers and stuff, it's a great way to waste some time. On Saturday night I stayed over at Kane's place, and we spent almost all night reading movie reviews. Anyone who makes a profile can submit movie reviews and some of them are so hilarious. My favorite guy is grandmastersexy, who calls every low-budget B-movies "Independent films". He also likes to talk about T & A (titties and ass, for those not 'in the know' about the slang), and he had really bad run-on sentences which are fun to read aloud in a monotone voice to your boyfriend when you're both a little buzzed. Let's see what he has to say about, oh..."Jason X":
"Well to start things off,I saw it at 5:00 PM...not the best time to go as far as wanting to see the draw attendance....the theater was about 2/4 full and everyone was having a good time with the comedic parts.After the movie i saw a few kids saying,it sucked and it wasnt like the others...but they obviously dont know some reasons about why it was made.As for me,i thought it was very enjoyable,better then i expected...gore and kills were GREAT and VERY CREATIVE! T&A was very high as far as sexual relations and scenes were concerned,only a few boob shots,but lots of makeout scenes and sex related humor.Overall,very good,and way better then i ever would have expected it to be.Highly Recommended To See In Theaters rather then video,it gives you a much better vibe.I will be seeing this 2 or 3 more times in theaters,which lets you know even more its entertaining."
I wonder if he has anything to say about Leprechaun 2?
"Leprechaun 2 is the sequel to the 1990 film with jennifer anniston of friends...and is surprisingly good and watchable..who would think a film with a lerpechaun killer would be good?Me...this film surprised me,the only one of the leprechaun series with a plot when the lep needs a bride and finds her but people get in his way which p***es him off and his gold is now hes not stopping the blood and not starting to leave!"
Wow!!! Sounds like a must see to me!!!
There's another guy who writes great reviews, and at first I couldn't tell if he was serious or not since there are so many many morons who write about how great "From Justin to Kelly" was. This guy made us laugh so hard, especially when he talks about Rob Schneider.
My Boyfriend's Back, 1993
"This movie is so hilarious it's not funny. I crapped my pants from laughing so hard and was afraid to stand up because everyone would see it. A bumbling fartknocker dies and he still wants to go on a date with this girl so he comes back from the dead to do it!! I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, it is as funny as it sounds. It was almost as good as Beethoven 3, or even police academy 6!!!!! The only thing that would be sweeter than this movie would be a remake of The Godfather, with the comic genius Rob Schneider as Sonny, and that would be pretty sweet. In conclusion see this sweet movie because it's one of the the sweetest movies about dead guys coming back from the grave to go on a date with girls of all time. "
Beethoven's 4th, 2001
"If Ludwig Van Beethoven had lived to see such artistic genius be created with a character with his name, he would have wept of joy. For this film is so sweet that i'm gonna crap myself. an incredible performance by digby the talking dog as beethoven is just one of the many highlights of this event. Beethoven seems to start acting strange, he's not up to his usual schemes, and judge reinhold (in an incredible performance as the father) wonders what is wrong. They soon find out that beethoven has been switched by a better fartknocking dog. The sorrow that the family goes through is shocking and unbelievably real. I also think Rob Shneider would be excellently cast as the father, or any role. Also the film did not have as many fart jokes as i would have hoped for. We all know that what holds together films is the fart jokes, and i believe that Rob Schneider could have provided enough fart jokes for our satisfaction. But despite the lack of Rob Schneider and fart jokes, this movie was a great ride with an ending so powerful that it changed me as a human being. "
Extreme Ops, 2002
"Every once in a while you see a movie so amazing that it has a place in your heart forever. Every once in a very long while you see a movie that is so good that it changes your life forever. In my life I have come across several of those movies, but when i went to see extreme ops, i viewed a movie that is so incredible, that there should be an entire religion formed around it. Throughout the duration of this movie, I got so excited that I crapped my pants at least 6 times. But can you blame me? Here's the plot: A group of killer Xtreme sports stars, are filming a commercial on a mountain, but than all of a sudden they catch this fartknocking criminal of war on tape! The guy finds out, and starts trying to catch them, so to escape they have to bust some chillin moves down the mountain on their boards and stuff! This movie is so good that if Rob Schneider showed up in it I would probably die because of how good it would be!! The plot is so original, you take Xtreme sports and you already have an incredible movie, you add a criminal of war you get the messiah of all movies. In conclusion if you don't join a religion devoted to this movie, you are a terrible person."
These reviews are so awesome theat I almost crapped my pants. The only thing that would be better is if Rob Schneider wrote them. Oh man, WOW! And anyone who credits Judge Reinhold with "an incredible performance" definitely has their head on straight!! Finally Judge gets the recognition he so richly deserves.