I think one of the funniest movie scenes ever is when Macaulay Culkin's character gets killed by bees in "My Girl. Just hearing his lazy, disinterested voice limply calling out,"No. Get away! Get away bees!" is enough to make me crack up. Hell, I'm smiling as I type this! From the looks of this picture, the bees stung his lips first. "My Girl" sucks.

If anyone reading this has any connection to Russell Crowe, like maybe working on a movie with him or something, please tell him to shut his mouth. Seriously, this guy sounds like the biggest piece of shit full-of-himself prick in the world. Not even J.Lo makes self-centered comments about herself like he does.
I was just reading an article about his band's new album, and here's a nice quote from Ole' Russ: "It is without doubt the most satisfying record I've ever made, and I know when you hear it you will be seduced by its beauty," he says humbly of the album, tentatively titled "My Hand, My Heart.".
Then he made this awesome comment about one of his songs, called "Raewyn":
"It is the only song I've ever written that has made both men and women cry, think, and call their parents, usually in that order. I have emails from Sting and Billy Bragg, two of my songwriting heroes that give testament to the quiet power of the song."
Give me a fucking break! Is this guy actually going to include said emails in the liner notes of his album, like, "Look you bastards, here's the black and white evidence that this song is AMAZING. Now like it!, you fucking yankees arsholes, or I'll beat yer face in!".
I can't stand Russell Crowe. I'm so sick of looking at his stupid, unshaven, bloated face. Why do directors cast him in stuff if he's so widely known for being such an asshole and has a reputation for being so hard to work with? Is he the only actor in Hollywood? I've seen some of his movies, and he's not bad, but he's no better anybody else.
Someone pop his big fat inflated head with a safety pin before he tries to run for King of Planet Fucking Earth, cuz he's so great.

Dang it!

This past Saturday Lisa, Brianna, Kane and I went to the Arizona Renaissance Festival. It was pretty cool, we mostly just wandered around and took in the many sights and smells of the peoples. I think Ren-fest geeks are the new Carnies. Anyhow, here's a happy lookin' guy wearing python-print tights, selling Mead or something. Good decision to wear an open jerkin, pal, because man are the ladies flocking towards you! And by ladies, I mean big fat guys in polo shirts and baseball hats, wondering what the hell this mead shit he's drinking IS, anyway.

Here's Brianna, pondering just what in the hell a '77 Mustang Fastback with teeth being driven by a chinese dragon has anything to do with the Renaissance.

Here's a lady we were stuck behind for a while, who was wearing a backless shirt, had a pregnant belly and walked with a bad limp while wildy flailing her arms around. She was really stomping through there like she was going to beat somebody down or something. She was so pretty I had to take a picture.

We went to see the "Birds of Prey" show, but overall it sucked. The birds seemed disinterested and tired. Probably tired of this big fat bitch telling them what to do. Also, why is it that really fat people (especially really fat women) are drawn to Renaissance festivals and the like? Brianna brought up this question and after she did, I couldn't help but notice the large population of severely overweight women dressed in 16th century costumes. Lesson to all you dudes out there: Renaissance festivals are not the place to cruise for hot chicks I guess.

Anyway, the Bird show was pretty boring.

Watching this man sleep during the bird show was waaaay more interesting.

Here's a little shot of the "magic show". I used quotes because there was nothing magical about it. Except for maybe that rainbow hat the lady in row 2 was wearing. Outta SIGHT!

Here's Lisa making fun of the magic show. Her shirt says,"I'm blogging this.", but you can't see it in the picture. I hope she does blog about this though, because otherwise the shirt doesn't really apply.

Yesterday we went to our friends Matt & Diana's wedding. I was her makeup artist/floral decorator(outside, anyway, and with the help of Brianna and Robert) and Kane is doing their wedding video so he was filming all night. Here are Matt and Diana leaving the reception to go bone......ummmm, I mean to......well, ummm nevermind! Sorry Diana!

It was a beautiful wedding, with the exception of when the photographer asked me if she could take a picture of my cleavage. I said,"Nooo, I don't think so..." and she was like,"Well, I won't get your face in it, but it'd be a great shot for the bride and groom!". What?? Excuse me, but if it was my wedding I wouldn't want a boobie shot in the final pictures, call me crazy. But she took the damn picture anyway, so I hope it enhances the couple's enjoyment of their wedding. Because I know when she looks back, all Diana will remember about her wedding day is my rack.

Me and Kane, after too much Champagne punch. Mmmmm, champagne+punch=gooood.

Robert and Brianna, looking adorable at the wedding.

This girl is my new idol. Go to: http://jennyharada.com/

I'd like to take a moment to talk about one of the greatest films of our time, Son in Law, starring Pauly Shore. There is only one way to describe this film: fantastic. Mr. Shore weaves an intricate plot like no other can, and the language he speaks is as rich with culture and imagery as the Bard.
Here's the plot summary from IMDb:
"Country girl Rebecca begins college in Los Angeles. There she meets Crawl [Pauly Shore], a student who is crazy, unpredictable and wild. During the holidays she brings him with her home. Her parents have never seen anything like him and are shocked when Rebecca tells them that they are engaged to be married. Two different worlds collide..."
I like how they leave it open-ended. Like, "You'll have to see the movie, bro! Just wait, it's so awesome I don't wanna ruin anything for you!"
There are almost too many poignant scenes to mention here, like the scene where Crawl gives Rebecca's mother a funky makeover and alludes to Rebecca's father having a boner for his newly hot wife, or when he heroically rescues Grandpa from the clammy hands of death by performing CPR during the fishing trip scene.
But the one moment that stands out, that is sure to stay with you and haunt you, is the final climatic scene which takes place during Thanksgiving dinner. After Rebecca's ex-boyfriend Travis sets in motion a plot which echoes Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing" to frame Crawl, the truth is revealed. Much to everyone's surprise (and delight!) Grandpa (who has spent the entire film rolling his eyes at Crawl's non-traditional ways) suddenly rises out of his seat and, adopting Crawl's colorful and beautiful language, expresses his anger at seeing a cool dude like Crawl "get wheezed on by a greasy scumbaaaaaag like you! It really tweaks my melon!". Well said, Grandfather. Well said.
Sadly, Mr. Shore has been painfully overlooked by the Academy during his long and distinguished career. Unfortunately for him, much like Picasso, this is one artist who may only truly be appreciated posthumously.
Pauly Shore, you have the soul of a poet, the mind of a clown and the spirit of an Eagle. (Insert eagle sreech here.)

Disclaimer: you should be totally drunk when you watch this movie.

Here's a picture I made for a movie me and Lisa are writing. We call it "Slapping Julia Roberts". We haven't written anything down on paper as of yet, but trust me, this film will shake Hollywood to it's very core.
I think this picture will be the poster.

The tagline will be "She needs another Oscar like she needs a slap in the mouth!", or maybe, "Stop smiling for two fucking seconds!". Another great line would be,"Man dressed as Shirley Temple goes on crazy slapping spree!!! Julia Roberts is his only victim!"
When I see Julia Roberts, she reminds me of those old commercials for Reach toothbrushes. You know the ones with the poorly drawn cartoon guy with the flip-top head? I think Julia Roberts has a flip-top head.
Sorry Julia Roberts. You might be a nice person. You and your stupid husband Danny Moder and your new twins and your big teeth. But someone needs to wipe that smile off your face, it's very annoying.

Son of a bitch. My stupid Yahoo account still won't let me send email! I don't know if it's just my computer or what, but every time I write a nice long email and hit 'send', I get a message saying there's an error on the page. This friggin sucks, because I've had a lot to say. Maybe I'll try again later.
I realized today that something really bothers me. It's really stupid, but I realized I hate hearing someone eating something really crunchy, like potato chips, especially if it's really quiet in the room so that's all I can hear. It's no fault of the chew-er, but it's like nails on a blackboard to me. I try to put on my headphones, but I can still hear it. I guess it's a dumb thing to let get to me, maybe I'm just being overly critical, or maybe I've just been in a bad mood all week.
So someone asked me whatever happened to the Shitting Bandit. I can only say I wish I knew, my friend. I haven't seen hide nor ass of her for many months. Maybe someone caught her, or maybe she just fulfilled her duties (or doodies). Either way, I'm still on the lookout for her, and I promise the first thing I'll do is write about it. After I call everyone into my office so we can point and laugh, of course.
I guess a lot of stuff has been going on lately, so here's something else that's new: as of last Saturday, Kane officially moved in with me. I have to say that so far it's been great (and I promise I'm not just saying that because you read my blog, Punkin.)! I was kind of nervous to live with a boy, me being a girl and all. I'm also pretty sure I can be an annoying roommate, and I was a little worried I'd freak him out or be a bitch to him or something. But so far it's smooooooth sailing. Especially since I talked to him about how I felt, and he basically felt the same way. I'm guessing that's the key to keeping everything cool with us. Last night I cooked us our first dinner as roommates (I made spaghetti with garlic bread) and it came out very yummy indeed. Now it's his turn to cook, and that shit better be good or it's Bye Bye Birdie.
Another thing that's been happening is one of my toes is all fucked up. The toe next to my big toe on my left foot started hurting on Sunday, and it just kept getting worse and more swollen until I couldn't really walk on it, and I couldn't even sleep with the sheets on because it hurt too much to have a sheet touch it. I went to see my doctor on Tuesday, and she told me I have a very bad infection in the tip of my toe. It starts at the very top and goes deep under my nail. She said it's a really unusual place for an infection, and she can't imagine how I might have gotten it. (I thought it best not to tell her about stabbing my toe with H.P. MacRudenthicket's Old-Timey Infects-a-Lot a few days back.) I was a little worried she was gonna pull out the clippers and just lop my poor little toe off, but she didn't. I'll spare you any more gross details about my toe, but she helped make it feel better, and gave me some antibiotics to help with the infection(although sadly no pain killers. I guess a toe is too minor for that.), so now my toe is feeling much better. At least I'm not limping around like a gimp anymore. So to celebrate my toe feeling better, last night I bought myself a brand new pair of girlie shoes to celebrate. I can't wear them yet, but maybe over the weekend.
My point is, you don't think about something as unimportant as one of your toes, but when one gets infected, it's like the end of the world. Either that or maybe I'm just a pussy.

Today I've been thinking about one of my old favorite shows, The Adventures of Pete & Pete. This show was so random and so wierd, but it also had some of the best guest stars ever. Steve Buscemi, Debbie Harry, Iggy Pop, Hunter S. Thompson, Janeane Garafolo, Chris Elliott, the list goes on and on. I wonder why great shows like this haven't been released on DVD yet, but you can purchase the first season of Full House any time you want. Doesn't seem fair.

Here's an interesting t-shirt I found today. It boasts a "realistic silk-screened pistol and waistband, perfect for wearing with your Bonnie & Clyde hat.". I don't have one of those, so I guess I'm not a candidate for purchasing this shirt. I like this shirt though, because it's the ultimate white-trash look. And being white and trashy, I am once again a candidate for purchasing this shirt. The problem is I don't know how comfortable I'd be with a gun pointed at my 'gyna all day. Fake gun or not, my 'gyna scares easily.

If there was one this I'd change about this shirt though, I would have to add a pocket to hold my beer like the guy Mike saw on the subway. Too cool.

I can't think of anything to write about today, so instead of a thought provoking bit of social commentary (yeah right), here's 10 thoughts about butter:
1. it is salty and creamy
2. you can use it in recipes instead of Crisco and that shit is pretty much guaranteed to taste better.
3. In the past 2 months, I have acidentally completely melted 2 sticks in my microwave when I was just trying to soften it a little.
4. butter is very hard to clean off of the bottom of your microwave.
5. it has the word "butt" in it.
6. it also has the word "ter" in it, if that means something to somebody.
7. Keep your cat off of your kitchen counter. Cats will lick the butter.
8. If you put some butter on your ass, I bet your pants will just slip right on. Fatty.
9. I like just a little butter on my popcorn at the movies, cuz it may taste like fake crappy butter, but it keeps my popcorn from being too dry.
10. One time when I was about 11 or 12, I ate a big chunk of butter on a dare. I felt very sick afterwards.

Today I made a cartoon for my friend Jenny. I hope she likes it! Rod SUCKS!!!!!

Hey Lisa,
Did you hear 'bout tha big Arizona EARFquake last night? It happened around 4:15 in the morning, and no one on the news could shut up about it today. I was pissed because on Fox 10 they were like, "And coming up after the break, we'll be talking to The Phantom's Gerard Butler!". Cool. They're actually going to interview someone I'd like to hear from, NOT some tool from American Idol or The O.C. Then they get back from the break and they're like,"We'll be delaying our interview so that we may bring you more reports that are pouring in about the earthquake!" Then they read emails from idiots all over arizona, like, "Yeah, I was sleepin', and then my house shook and I woke up!" Wow. Thanks Mary from Casa Grande. Or "Yeah, I heard a sort of rumbling sound and then it felt like someone dropped something really heavy on the floor, cuz it started shaking.". Riveting. And then some other guy was like, "Yeah, I have a parrot and in the middle of the night he began squawking and then he sort of fell off his perch. I think he detected the earthquake!". That guy was my favorite, because he called in and said that, he didn't just email it. I wish they asked him if his parrot did that at 4:15AM, and then he could've said,"No, it was like 8:30PM.". Who cares about Gerard Butler at a time like this!!?!?! Arizona's EXTREME weather at work!! Mother Nature is really GIVING IT TO US NOW! SHIT!
I just turned off the TV and finished getting ready for work. I didn't really care that much to watch the interview if I had to listen to that crap all day. Hey I should've written this as a blog, huh? Maybe I'll just copy and paste this.
Love, Moe
P.s. Is grandma still farting?

Lisa, as she was as in her younger days, competing in The Great Tortilla Throwing Competition, 1932.


Photo courtesy of the Arnseth Archives, TM.