Today I think I grew up a little bit.
For the past 7 1/2 years I've been trying not to think about something that I knew deep down I would have to eventually face, and it scares me more than anything. My mother had a brain aneurism back in 1998, and these things are hereditary. It is because of this that I became a hypochodriac for so many years. Granted, I'm mostly over throwing myself into a total state of panic and anxiety over the slightest little ache or pain, but it's still there a little bit. I never went to anyone for help, like I probably should have, because I was so scared at the very thought of letting myself relive what happened to mom. My sister and I were told that we should be tested for aneurisms, and both of us decided not to, that we'd rather not know. Just let it happen in the off-chance that something will happen. But as I am now older, my view on this has changed. It's not only me who I'd be affecting by not getting tested. I'd be affecting Kane, my sister, my family and my maybe-one-day kids. I shouldn't live selfishly anymore by saying I don't care and just ignoring the problem. I don't want to just disappear one day anymore. I really want to be healthy and stick around, and if I do have one, I want to do what I have to to fix it. Today I had my blood test to see if my body can handle the dye they need to give me for the MRI, and I should get the results back next week. And then my doctor is going to schedule the appointment for me and I'm going to do it finally.
This may not sound like a big deal, but for me it is a giant step to finally letting my mind rest from being so keyed up for all these years. Plus I've never had a major test like this before, so that's terrifying too. But I can do it. I need to deal with this, so all of those scary memories can finally just be in the past once and for all.
I have been trying to not be scared tonight, with lots of help from Kane and also by making chocolate cupcakes and watching the Golden Globes. It worked too. But now I feel kind of sick from eating like 10 spoonfuls of buttercream frosting while I was making it, because I put too much salt in it and so I had to keep adjusting the icing and tasting it. Icckkkk. Blaaaaaah. Don't eat too much frosting, kids.
Anyway, I am off to bed because I am just physically and mentally exhausted. But if anyone would like to help cheer me up, I am accepting donations of Affenpinschers.

I'd call this one Smudge, and I'd give him some beef jerky and a tiny little safari hat.
Okay, now I go to bed.