My grandmother called me last night, which is weird because she never does, she only calls me when she forgets Lisa's number. That makes twice this week. I wasn't home to get the first call on Tuesday night, but she left a really great message on my machine. Apparently she had tried to call Lisa, and was "very concerned that something is wrong". See, Lisa has a message on her answering machine, where she says, "Hi, this is Lisa and Tom, we can't get to the phone right now..." then you hear Mr. T's voice saying, "Don't gimme no back talk, sucka! Quit your jibba jabba!!". It's a great message, but apparently the humor was lost on old Oma. On the message she left me, she rambled on about how the strangest thing happens when she calls Lisa, and that I better call and check it out, because something could be very wrong. I guess in my grandmother's world, when someone breaks in to your house your first instinct would be to run to the answering machine and record a new message.
So last night she called while I was eating dinner, and at first I was going to let the machine get it, but then I felt bad because I didn't call her back the other day. The thing is, if you decide to call her or pick up the phone when she calls, you have to be prepared for at least an hour and a half of hearing her drone on and on about someone you've never met from "the lodge" who has a daughter whose friend is married to a man who is in "the service" and has a cousin who.......etc. After seeing her number on the caller ID, and rolling my eyes to nobody, I reluctantly picked up the phone and said hello, and for the next 45 minutes I didn't get another word out. She is the queen of talking over people and interrupting you when you do actually get to say anything. That drives me crazy. Usually after the first 45 minutes of hearing the most random, boring stories that have absolutely no point or relevance whatsoever, she finally asked me, "So is Lisa okay? Did you try to call her? You know, the strangest thing happened when I tried to call her on Tuesday...". Before she can launch into telling me about it, I cut her off (YAY!) and explain the message to her, and it went a little something like this:
me: Well, it's a toy that Lisa has, and when you push buttons on it, it says things.
Oma: WHAT?
me: It's a joke message, Lisa has a toy that says funny things when you push buttons on it.
Oma: WHAT? A toy?
me: Yes, a toy.
Oma: a toy WHAT?
me: When you push the buttons, it talks like Mr. T? Do you remember Mr. T, from the 80's?
Oma: WHO?
me: Mr. T?
Oma: I don't......WHO?
me: Mr. T. He was on the tv show 'The A-Team'? He's a big black guy with a mohawk and lots of gold chains?
Oma: He has a WHAT?
me: he used to wear all these big gold chains...
Oma: Who is this now?
me: MR. T!!!! HE'S A BIG BLACK GUY WITH A MOHAWK AND LOTS OF GOLD CHAINS!!!!!
Oma: I don't know who these BLACK people are!
me: (silence)
Oma: Thank goodness Lisa is alright!

I feel I should also mention that my grandmother is a racist. Maybe you guessed that. Holy shit, I hate talking to my
grandmother.