Ugh, I ate too much Shogun Express for lunch today. The small just looked so....small...ya know? I had to go for the large size. What an ass. I feel as sick as a newborn goat.
Anyway, has anyone had a chance to look at my company website? There's a cute lil' link over on the right, there. Yeah, towards the top of the page. Uh-huh, that's the one. Anyway, I designed that website. It's pretty cool, since I never made one before, but next I want to learn how to make a Flash movie. I took a class at school where they taught Flash, but I think I was too busy falling out of my chair and quoting Billy Madison to care. There's a flash movie on the site already, but it was made by the guy who designed our old website. I think it stinks. The pictures of the jewelry look really bad, and the music bites a nut. If you go to the jewelry section, and click on What's New (which is a lie because none of the shit in there is new anymore), you can see what his old website looked like. It was so boring. Someday I'll get in there and fix that shit, and update the "What's New" section to NOT include stuff that nobody bought or stuff that got stolen. It's hard though because I'm pretty lazy.
If you go to the bracelet section, you can see what takes up the bulk of my time and energy. Rainbow sapphire bracelets. I make those, and then we send them to Hong Kong to be set in gold. Classy, eh? It takes a pretty long time to make one rainbow, although I'm much faster at it than I used to be. They are really popular in San Francisco. No really, they are!
Oh, the other thing I meant to write about today was, Kane had this really great idea. You know how in that movie "The Others", how Nicole Kidman finds that book of pictures of dead people? I guess in the olden days, when someone died, people would prop up and pose their deceased loved ones and take a picture of them. I can't believe how creepy that is. Anyway, Kane was thinking that it would be funny if stores would put those photos in picture frames instead of pictures of people posing or sailing or riding a bike or something. Even if the sales of frames dropped off dramatically, at least it'd give people something to think about.
Well I think it's funny.

Last night Lisa and I went to her gym, since she got me a free two week membership. Finally I'm part of SOMETHING! Anycrap, we did the workout thing, then got some dinner, and went to buy some assorted groceries, which included Lisa's purchase of Rollitos. It was an exciting time.
So she drove me home around 9:00, and on our way, we listened to "Africa" by Toto. The only thing was, Lisa started going off on a tangent about how great it was that Toto managed to use "Killamanjaro" (I think I waaay mis-spelled that one) in a song, and she was like,"Did you hear that? They said 'Seren-get-EEEE!'!!". I had to pee really bad, so I was like, "No, umm, I gotta go.....", but Lisa insisted I hear this part of the song."Wait just one second, let me rewind it.", so I sat as she tried to cue up that part of the song again, but she kept stopping the tape too soon, and it kept stopping right AFTER the miraculous line. I tried again to say goodnight so I could go empty my bladder, but then Lisa said."No! You gotta hear this!!" and locked the car doors. She maniacally kept rewinding and stoppping the tape, rewinding and stopping, rewinding and stopping, UNTIL....."blah blah blah SERENGETTI..". With a crazy laugh, my sister declared it was okay for me to leave and go pee. This is a chilling example of what can happen if Toto falls into the wrong hands!
As I was getting my shopping bags from the backseat, I told her, "I'm gonna blog about this.". She said, no I wouldn't , I would never embarass her like that.
Here Endeth the Blog.

Am I the only person who saw that Bush's State of the Union address was on tv last night and changed the channel as quickly as possible? Look, I know I am supposed to care, but how the hell can I get into this stuff? It is sooooooo boring. It might be different if there were real people involved in politics, but all I see is suits, suits and suits. Even the ladies are in suits. These people live in another world, not in America. People in America don't wear suits even on the weekends, and act and speak so conservatively. Real people wear logo t-shirts and jeans and baseball hats and stuff, and they tell it like it is. Even if they have a vast knowledge of "college" words, they don't go throwing it around in everyone's face, like they are better than everyone else. And why don't any of these political people smile or anything? Sure, they give old Bushy the subdued, polite laugh when he tries to make a joke to appeal to the masses. But for the most part, I think if you want to appeal to the masses, you should be a part of us masses.
I wish politicians were more like my dad. My dad is a mechanic, and he's out there all day working his ass off and getting covered in grease and dirt, and trying his best to do his job. So if someone like my dad appeared on tv, wearing his navy blue work clothes, all tired from working all day, his old brown workboots covered in grease and oil stains, and said,"Listen, I've been doing my best to avoid it, but we're gonna have to send some troops over there. We've really gotta sort this shit out, so just be patient and know that everything's gonna be okay.", I'd be 100 times more likely to pay attention and really give a crap. This guy would be right in there, fighting along with everyone else, not having lived the priveledged life of George W. Bush. This guy wouldn't give it a second thought, he'd spend his money on helping America, not buying yet another grey suit and a private jet. I would trust him a lot more. Hell, I'd probably even vote, too. I'd vote for the guy who's been a farmer his whole life just like his father before him, who's son is over in Iraq. I'd vote for the female candidate in the green Christmas sweater with the white collar sewn on to it. She was at that church bazzaar last Sunday, she's been hearing some things, and she and her husband Ed and their cat, Scratches, are ready to do something about it. I'd rather hear what she has to say.
End of speech.

Hey wow. You know that thing that you do where you stare at a spot on your desk or your hand or something, and let your eyes sorta fuzz out, like get all blurry. Well, I just realized I've been doing that for a really long time. What is that thing? I heard somewhere that it's a form of a seizure, but I don't think I'm having seizures. I think my job is just really dull.
So anyway, here's a quote from a phone conversation Lisa and I had a few nights ago. "Be sure to thoroughly coat your vulva with your favorite parfum."
You can take that in any context you want.
Oh wow, great Blog today, huh?
WHOOP ASS.

My grandmother called me last night, which is weird because she never does, she only calls me when she forgets Lisa's number. That makes twice this week. I wasn't home to get the first call on Tuesday night, but she left a really great message on my machine. Apparently she had tried to call Lisa, and was "very concerned that something is wrong". See, Lisa has a message on her answering machine, where she says, "Hi, this is Lisa and Tom, we can't get to the phone right now..." then you hear Mr. T's voice saying, "Don't gimme no back talk, sucka! Quit your jibba jabba!!". It's a great message, but apparently the humor was lost on old Oma. On the message she left me, she rambled on about how the strangest thing happens when she calls Lisa, and that I better call and check it out, because something could be very wrong. I guess in my grandmother's world, when someone breaks in to your house your first instinct would be to run to the answering machine and record a new message.
So last night she called while I was eating dinner, and at first I was going to let the machine get it, but then I felt bad because I didn't call her back the other day. The thing is, if you decide to call her or pick up the phone when she calls, you have to be prepared for at least an hour and a half of hearing her drone on and on about someone you've never met from "the lodge" who has a daughter whose friend is married to a man who is in "the service" and has a cousin who.......etc. After seeing her number on the caller ID, and rolling my eyes to nobody, I reluctantly picked up the phone and said hello, and for the next 45 minutes I didn't get another word out. She is the queen of talking over people and interrupting you when you do actually get to say anything. That drives me crazy. Usually after the first 45 minutes of hearing the most random, boring stories that have absolutely no point or relevance whatsoever, she finally asked me, "So is Lisa okay? Did you try to call her? You know, the strangest thing happened when I tried to call her on Tuesday...". Before she can launch into telling me about it, I cut her off (YAY!) and explain the message to her, and it went a little something like this:
me: Well, it's a toy that Lisa has, and when you push buttons on it, it says things.
Oma: WHAT?
me: It's a joke message, Lisa has a toy that says funny things when you push buttons on it.
Oma: WHAT? A toy?
me: Yes, a toy.
Oma: a toy WHAT?
me: When you push the buttons, it talks like Mr. T? Do you remember Mr. T, from the 80's?
Oma: WHO?
me: Mr. T?
Oma: I don't......WHO?
me: Mr. T. He was on the tv show 'The A-Team'? He's a big black guy with a mohawk and lots of gold chains?
Oma: He has a WHAT?
me: he used to wear all these big gold chains...
Oma: Who is this now?
me: MR. T!!!! HE'S A BIG BLACK GUY WITH A MOHAWK AND LOTS OF GOLD CHAINS!!!!!
Oma: I don't know who these BLACK people are!
me: (silence)
Oma: Thank goodness Lisa is alright!

I feel I should also mention that my grandmother is a racist. Maybe you guessed that. Holy shit, I hate talking to my
grandmother.

I have a real problem with people who pronounce stuff stupid.
ACTUAL WORD............................COMMON MISPRONUNCIATION
supposedly.............................................supposably
height.....................................................heighth
sandwich................................................sanwidge
groceries................................................grosheries
railroad..................................................rareroad
wash......................................................warsh
Regina(as in the name)..........................Regina(sounds like Vagina)

My boss says that last one. She insists that it's the proper way to pronounce the name, in her native Canada. She makes no sense. HEY! Who here loved Ashton Kutcher's cameo in "Cheaper by the Dozen", huh?!?!! Oh, yeah I didn't see it either. Aaaaaaalright.
When will Ashton Kutcher be found dead in a pool of his own sick? And stop yelling everything instead of saying it! I think he might have some kind of hearing problem, and I think the solution would be to jam a screwdriver in his ear.
Shit.