"Be sure you don't pick a green one!"-Belina
"Um, whoa, whoops!! My wing fell off or something."-Gump
"Mom!"-Jack
"Dor-o-thy!!!"-Scarecrow
"Why the hell was I alright as a kid but now I'm completely heinous?"-Fairuza Balk
Monday, February 28, 2005
Last night I had an Oscar party, which was fun even though the Oscars weren't. I made baked ziti and garlic bread, and Brianna and Robert brought a bunch of cookies and candy and beer. They also printed up some oscar ballots for us so we could predict who was going to win, and we had a 25 cent pool going to see who guessed the most winners. We're all really broke, but even so I probably wouldn't throw in more than a quarter over the stupid oscars anyway.
After watching this long, very boring show I just have one thing to say, and that is Chris Rock set black people back about 60 years. Now Mr. Rock, I am aware that your whole carreer is based on the differences between blacks and whites, and that's fine if it works for you, but the Oscars should merit just a little bit of class, don't you think? (Also, just for the record Chris, you're holding a microphone. You don't need to shout everything, asshole.) Chris Rock is not alone in unravelling racial equality though, whoever directed the Oscars also has to share the blame. Why was it that the only reaction shots they cut to while Chris Rock was stumbling over his lame jokes were of P. Diddy, Oprah, Spike Lee, Morgan Freeman, and Samuel L. Jackson? We were all joking that you could actually see Oprah shaking her head, thinking that she really had her work cut out for her this week to make up for this shit. And if that weren't bad enough, every time a hispanic person was on stage, they cut to Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz or Speedy Gonzalez. OK, maybe not the last one, but you know they really wanted to! Where is George Lopez when you need him?!
I'm just glad that Sideways didn't win anything. I don't know why but I have a personal problem with Paul Giamatti. I think he looks like he'd be a huge dick in real life. He kind of carries himself like he should be rewarded for just being his awesome independent-film self. But aside from that guy, it's a movie about drinking wine and golfing. Two things that pretty much guarantee that I won't like that movie. Yeah, I'm judging that book by it's cover, but ask me if I care. Answer: nope!
Oh, by the way, me and Jen tied for most correct guesses, and we split the pot, so that was, drumroll please.........$2.00 for each of us! Woo-hoo!! I am a high-roller. That's right, today I had chips AND a drink with my sub! Didn't even blink once when I ordered it. Well, maybe a little, but that was only to keep airborn dust out of my precious, lucky eyes.
After watching this long, very boring show I just have one thing to say, and that is Chris Rock set black people back about 60 years. Now Mr. Rock, I am aware that your whole carreer is based on the differences between blacks and whites, and that's fine if it works for you, but the Oscars should merit just a little bit of class, don't you think? (Also, just for the record Chris, you're holding a microphone. You don't need to shout everything, asshole.) Chris Rock is not alone in unravelling racial equality though, whoever directed the Oscars also has to share the blame. Why was it that the only reaction shots they cut to while Chris Rock was stumbling over his lame jokes were of P. Diddy, Oprah, Spike Lee, Morgan Freeman, and Samuel L. Jackson? We were all joking that you could actually see Oprah shaking her head, thinking that she really had her work cut out for her this week to make up for this shit. And if that weren't bad enough, every time a hispanic person was on stage, they cut to Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz or Speedy Gonzalez. OK, maybe not the last one, but you know they really wanted to! Where is George Lopez when you need him?!
I'm just glad that Sideways didn't win anything. I don't know why but I have a personal problem with Paul Giamatti. I think he looks like he'd be a huge dick in real life. He kind of carries himself like he should be rewarded for just being his awesome independent-film self. But aside from that guy, it's a movie about drinking wine and golfing. Two things that pretty much guarantee that I won't like that movie. Yeah, I'm judging that book by it's cover, but ask me if I care. Answer: nope!
Oh, by the way, me and Jen tied for most correct guesses, and we split the pot, so that was, drumroll please.........$2.00 for each of us! Woo-hoo!! I am a high-roller. That's right, today I had chips AND a drink with my sub! Didn't even blink once when I ordered it. Well, maybe a little, but that was only to keep airborn dust out of my precious, lucky eyes.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Kane emailed me the other day about JAWSFEST 2005, and I really wish I could go! Jaws is one of my all-time favorite movies, and Jawsfest sounds like so much fun. I remember a really long time ago, we took a family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, which just happened to be the same time that a shark hunt was going on. It was so creepy, dead sharks hanging everywhere, upside down, with all of their guts falling out of their mouths. Needless to say, I didn't have much of an appetite during that trip. Poor sharks, just swimming along doing what instinct tells them to do, then WHAMMO! some guy yanks their ass out of the water and hangs 'em upside down so they can take a picture next to it. I'm glad there's no TRISH hunts in Martha's Vineyard, because I do not want to be caught and become dead. I just want to walk along, doing what instinct tells me to do, such as eat ice cream and argue with my family! Hopefully wearing a suit as cool as the mayor's in this picture. Very nautical.
Everybody's lining up to be a hot lunch! Close the beaches! Don't be hatin'!
Everybody's lining up to be a hot lunch! Close the beaches! Don't be hatin'!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Last night my mom called me and told me to turn on the news. They were doing a story about this fly that lays eggs under your skin and you don't know it until the larvae pops out of your skin. It was so gross, it looked like the turkey was done! POP. But the funniest part was when the reporter was talking about other parasites you can pick up in other countries, and one of them was a kind of parasite you can get from swimming in South America, which the reporter said gives you,"The unpleasant-sounding DIARRHEA FOR LIFE.". I swear I heard the guy take a quick pause after saying that, as if to gain his composure to keep from laughing. That was probably the first time the phrase DIARRHEA FOR LIFE was ever spoken during the prime time news. I witnessed a milestone.
My mother was still on the phone with me throughout the story, and all I could hear was her laughing so hard she was couldn't catch her breath.
DIARRHEA FOR LIFE. Think about that.
DIARRHEA..........FOR..............LIFE.
My mother was still on the phone with me throughout the story, and all I could hear was her laughing so hard she was couldn't catch her breath.
DIARRHEA FOR LIFE. Think about that.
DIARRHEA..........FOR..............LIFE.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Friday, February 11, 2005
Does anyone remember Picture Pages? Anyone? Here's the esteemed Mr. Bill Cosby holding up a large, crudely made model of Mortimer, his magical pen that he used to draw picture pages. Bill looks kind of sad here. Or maybe he was just preoccupied thinking about drugging women and fondling them. Can you draw THAT, Mortimer?
p.s. If you click on the Picture Pages link above, make sure you check out the picture gallery. These pictures are so awesome, you're not even gonna belive it. Awesome.
p.s. If you click on the Picture Pages link above, make sure you check out the picture gallery. These pictures are so awesome, you're not even gonna belive it. Awesome.
Kat put a joke on her blog that I think deserves repeating:
"What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?"
"Christopher Walken.".
I know this joke is in poor taste, but so is my sense of humor.
Thanks Kat!
"What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?"
"Christopher Walken.".
I know this joke is in poor taste, but so is my sense of humor.
Thanks Kat!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2005
Last night I went to a small film festival with Kane, Lisa & Allison, called No Festival Required. Let me just say this before I even get started: I am embrassed to tell people I am an artist for fear of being grouped together with the "non-conformist" assholes who make stupid pretentious arthouse films like the ones I saw last night.
There were only two (maybe 3) movies that I liked, and they were the last two. I liked them because neither was filmed in black and white, and neither was narrated by some tripped-out "enlightened" tragic artist who recites poems about how love is an illusion, and how society needs an enema. Neither one was saturated with thinly(or in some cases-thickly) veiled political commentary. The two that I liked actually told stories, and had real people, instead of endless crudely filmed shots of windy roads and naked tree branches against a barren grey sky. I say that I maybe liked 3 of them, because the third was an obvious rip-off of SNL's Fun With Real Audio sketch. It still made me giggle though, so I forgive it.
Now I understand that not every movie has to tell a story, and that film itself is a blank canvas with which we can express anything we want. I appeciate that these people are at least trying to think creatively. So all of the movies at least get a C for effort. But my god, stop working so hard to get your message across until you are sure of what that message is! You're not fooling us by using big words that you just looked up in your thesaurus. Every art student film is exactly the same, with the same 3 things to say:
1. Love sucks. Whoever makes these movies has been scorned by someone they felt they had an eternal connection with. They probably believe they met this someone long before this life, but luckily they ran into them at Starbucks. There's nothing much to say about love sucking, except that it's a lie and it brings nothing but pain and makes you listen to your stupid wimpy whiney music and cry alone in your room in your parent's basement. Get over yourself.
2.The world is toxic, and the government wants us all to be miserable. The movies about this stuff are always, ALWAYS black and white, and are so deep that it hurts. These are the musings of a 19 year old kid who sees the world clearly since experimenting with drugs, and now has EVERYTHING figured out, and knows everything there is to know about the world.
3. No message...or is there? These movies are just random, unrelated shots (probably just stuff that the filmmaker thinks look cool), with some distorted voices or just a bunch of mechanical beeps and blips over it. Don't get the message?? Don't worry, the guy who made the movie doesn't either, but he's gonna play it off like you're just not smart or lucky enough to understand. You're probably too jaded by society and conformity. Poor little sad you. Example: one of the films last night was just a shot of a car's turn signal arrows, blinking left for a minute, then a shot of a blank blue screen, then the right turn arrow, blinking for another minute, then a shot of a blank yellow screen, etc. This went on for about 5 minutes. Over these images, we hear what sounded like a heavily distorted police radio. Oooooo. Lisa said she thinks it was supposed to be something about 9-11. But what?, she was not enlightened enough to figure out.
Like I said, at least these people are trying to be creative, and that's more than I'm doing at the moment. But overall, the films were pretentious crap, and had us laughing all the way home.
So I am an artist. Just please don't call me one!
There were only two (maybe 3) movies that I liked, and they were the last two. I liked them because neither was filmed in black and white, and neither was narrated by some tripped-out "enlightened" tragic artist who recites poems about how love is an illusion, and how society needs an enema. Neither one was saturated with thinly(or in some cases-thickly) veiled political commentary. The two that I liked actually told stories, and had real people, instead of endless crudely filmed shots of windy roads and naked tree branches against a barren grey sky. I say that I maybe liked 3 of them, because the third was an obvious rip-off of SNL's Fun With Real Audio sketch. It still made me giggle though, so I forgive it.
Now I understand that not every movie has to tell a story, and that film itself is a blank canvas with which we can express anything we want. I appeciate that these people are at least trying to think creatively. So all of the movies at least get a C for effort. But my god, stop working so hard to get your message across until you are sure of what that message is! You're not fooling us by using big words that you just looked up in your thesaurus. Every art student film is exactly the same, with the same 3 things to say:
1. Love sucks. Whoever makes these movies has been scorned by someone they felt they had an eternal connection with. They probably believe they met this someone long before this life, but luckily they ran into them at Starbucks. There's nothing much to say about love sucking, except that it's a lie and it brings nothing but pain and makes you listen to your stupid wimpy whiney music and cry alone in your room in your parent's basement. Get over yourself.
2.The world is toxic, and the government wants us all to be miserable. The movies about this stuff are always, ALWAYS black and white, and are so deep that it hurts. These are the musings of a 19 year old kid who sees the world clearly since experimenting with drugs, and now has EVERYTHING figured out, and knows everything there is to know about the world.
3. No message...or is there? These movies are just random, unrelated shots (probably just stuff that the filmmaker thinks look cool), with some distorted voices or just a bunch of mechanical beeps and blips over it. Don't get the message?? Don't worry, the guy who made the movie doesn't either, but he's gonna play it off like you're just not smart or lucky enough to understand. You're probably too jaded by society and conformity. Poor little sad you. Example: one of the films last night was just a shot of a car's turn signal arrows, blinking left for a minute, then a shot of a blank blue screen, then the right turn arrow, blinking for another minute, then a shot of a blank yellow screen, etc. This went on for about 5 minutes. Over these images, we hear what sounded like a heavily distorted police radio. Oooooo. Lisa said she thinks it was supposed to be something about 9-11. But what?, she was not enlightened enough to figure out.
Like I said, at least these people are trying to be creative, and that's more than I'm doing at the moment. But overall, the films were pretentious crap, and had us laughing all the way home.
So I am an artist. Just please don't call me one!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Yay! I just took the "Which The State Character are you?" quiz and I'm Captain Monterey Jack!!!! Fuckin Sweeet!
You are Captain Monterey Jack. You spend your time in the noble pursuit of improving young minds with the wisdom you've collected throughout your life. Your feet may sometimes betray you, and you oftentimes receive strange looks for your advice, but you rest well with the surety that Thomas Edison was a bastard to his wife and kids.
Still, I was kinda hoping I'd be Barry or Lavonne, or maybe their $240 worth of pudding. I guess that'd be a lot to ask for though.
Everyone take the quiz and tell me who you are! First one to be Doug wins my respect forever.
I'm outta here.
You are Captain Monterey Jack. You spend your time in the noble pursuit of improving young minds with the wisdom you've collected throughout your life. Your feet may sometimes betray you, and you oftentimes receive strange looks for your advice, but you rest well with the surety that Thomas Edison was a bastard to his wife and kids.
Still, I was kinda hoping I'd be Barry or Lavonne, or maybe their $240 worth of pudding. I guess that'd be a lot to ask for though.
Everyone take the quiz and tell me who you are! First one to be Doug wins my respect forever.
I'm outta here.
Monday, January 31, 2005
So Saturday Lisa and I graduated from Arizona Traffic School. Yipee!!!!!!!! You can read all about it on her blog, but let me just say that 98% of the class was really old people, and I think they need to have their licenses taken away from them, and they should also be beaten with a shoe for being so fucking dumb and driving on the same roads that I am driving on. It's so retarded that Arizona driver's Licenses don't expire for 40 years, so we have all these crazy old people who can't see an inch in front of their faces driving around with valid licenses. Re-test! What the shit is wrong with you, Arizona? Anyway, Lisa and I are now kick-ass defensive drivers, so back off.
I also have to say that I love blogging. Love it, love it, love it. Today I got an email from someone I haven't seen or heard from in 8 years, because she did a Google search on my name and found my blog. Fucking awesome! I'm so excited to be back in touch with her, she totally made my day! We have much catching up to do, Jenny Lundgren. Very much indeed.
Here's a picture of me and Jenny waiting for the bus, reading "Modern Hermaphrodite". We've both changed a lot since then.
I also have to say that I love blogging. Love it, love it, love it. Today I got an email from someone I haven't seen or heard from in 8 years, because she did a Google search on my name and found my blog. Fucking awesome! I'm so excited to be back in touch with her, she totally made my day! We have much catching up to do, Jenny Lundgren. Very much indeed.
Here's a picture of me and Jenny waiting for the bus, reading "Modern Hermaphrodite". We've both changed a lot since then.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I got an email from Lisa today that said:
"MINCHIES! What is a minchie? Ten dollars off your cable/phone bill payment for this month if you can make a photoshop picture of something that could be a "minchie." I'm serious!"
So here's a Minchie.
Whatdoyathink???? Can you picture this thing traipsin' through your garden?
I can almost feel that $10 in my pocket already! Pay up, Schwester.
"MINCHIES! What is a minchie? Ten dollars off your cable/phone bill payment for this month if you can make a photoshop picture of something that could be a "minchie." I'm serious!"
So here's a Minchie.
Whatdoyathink???? Can you picture this thing traipsin' through your garden?
I can almost feel that $10 in my pocket already! Pay up, Schwester.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
This morning I woke up and started thinking about all of the people I've lost contact with over the years. I hate not knowing where people are and what they're up to, you know? All these people that used to be so important to me probably think that I've forgotten all about them(or they're thinking nothing, because they've forgotten about me!). I know it's part of growing up, but I don't like it. I always want to know how everyone's doing.
About a year ago I went crazy trying to track down one of my all-time favorite people, Tracy Hoerning. Treye is one of those rare people who are just completely nice. The girl just didn't have a mean bone in her body, despite all of the hard stuff she went through and the people that were assholes to her. She just always had a smile on her face and most of the time, a paper crown on her head. We took art together and our teacher Mr Johnston totally loved us. When he made the rest of the class do some boring assignment, he let me and Treye do whatever we wanted(which usually involved making paper hats that looked like trout, with the fins and gills and everything), and sat with us and played spanish guitar. One time we hid from the police bomb squad in the auditorium, and escaped in the crawl space under the stage. We also spent many Saturdays going garage sale-ing for the wierdest stuff we could find, and I taught her how to grill and we even planned to have a white-trash barbeque. She was a very good friend, and I don't think I'll ever meet a person like her again. And oh yeah, one time she and her friend played pool with Robert Smith. As in Robert Smith of The Cure.
So last year I decided I was going to find her. I tried searching the internet and calling people. I finally got a hold of her mother (Trollwoman, as Treye called her), and got a few numbers from her. After many failed attempts, I finally got the answering machine of some guy in Seattle(I think?), and I left a message but never heard back. I decided to give up my search, and just leave it up to life to reunite me and my friend. But I hate that though.
This morning I decided I wanted to send an email to Shecky. Shecky (real name Dan Farber) is an ex of mine. We dated all through my freshman and sophmore year in high school, and we broke up when he went away to NYU. That's about where I lost touch with him, except for briefly meeting him for coffee at Marina Diner right before I moved to Arizona. Since then, I found out he moved to LA and has been in some movies and on "Malcolm in the Middle" and "ER" and stuff. It was so weird how I found out, Kane and I were looking for people on IMDB, and just for the hell of it, I told him to type in Daniel Farber, see if Shecky actually made it. And he did! If you look at his bio on IMDB, he says his nicknames are Dan and Danny, no mention of the Shecky moniker that all of us knew him by. Jen introduced us backstage at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, when he was working as a stagehand on some musical there. We hung out together all the time, despite the fact that he lived out in Rumson and I was in Belford. During our last few months together he was in Improv Jam( a late-night improv show) at Meadow theater and I used to go watch. Treye was always there too, actually! He was good in the show, but I hated the end when the cast would hang out in the lobby and talk to the audience, because girls would always come up to him and flirt or give him their phone number. Nice, especially since I was standing right there. There was a rumor going around that he cheated on me, but I heard it after we broke up so who knows. Anyway, I realized that I talked to this guy every day for two years, and now I don't know shit about what he's up to. (Other than what I can read on the movie database.) It's kind of depressing, losing touch with people. So I did a google search to try to find an email address, and I found some but I don't know if they're really for him or some other Dan Farbers out there so I'm not gonna send anything. I did find a message board on some movie website where someone named catherine shores wrote:"i think DANIEL FARBER IS THE CUSTEST GUY IN THE WORLD". If I still know Shecky, he would get a kick out of that, some girl thinking he's the custest guy in the world. Mis-spelled stuff always cracked him up.
So anyway, hello to everyone I haven't talked to in a while. I hope life is treating you good, and that you are happy wherever you are. I figure it's much easier to post a message up here than to try and find everybody. I'm a lot lazier than I was a year ago.
About a year ago I went crazy trying to track down one of my all-time favorite people, Tracy Hoerning. Treye is one of those rare people who are just completely nice. The girl just didn't have a mean bone in her body, despite all of the hard stuff she went through and the people that were assholes to her. She just always had a smile on her face and most of the time, a paper crown on her head. We took art together and our teacher Mr Johnston totally loved us. When he made the rest of the class do some boring assignment, he let me and Treye do whatever we wanted(which usually involved making paper hats that looked like trout, with the fins and gills and everything), and sat with us and played spanish guitar. One time we hid from the police bomb squad in the auditorium, and escaped in the crawl space under the stage. We also spent many Saturdays going garage sale-ing for the wierdest stuff we could find, and I taught her how to grill and we even planned to have a white-trash barbeque. She was a very good friend, and I don't think I'll ever meet a person like her again. And oh yeah, one time she and her friend played pool with Robert Smith. As in Robert Smith of The Cure.
So last year I decided I was going to find her. I tried searching the internet and calling people. I finally got a hold of her mother (Trollwoman, as Treye called her), and got a few numbers from her. After many failed attempts, I finally got the answering machine of some guy in Seattle(I think?), and I left a message but never heard back. I decided to give up my search, and just leave it up to life to reunite me and my friend. But I hate that though.
This morning I decided I wanted to send an email to Shecky. Shecky (real name Dan Farber) is an ex of mine. We dated all through my freshman and sophmore year in high school, and we broke up when he went away to NYU. That's about where I lost touch with him, except for briefly meeting him for coffee at Marina Diner right before I moved to Arizona. Since then, I found out he moved to LA and has been in some movies and on "Malcolm in the Middle" and "ER" and stuff. It was so weird how I found out, Kane and I were looking for people on IMDB, and just for the hell of it, I told him to type in Daniel Farber, see if Shecky actually made it. And he did! If you look at his bio on IMDB, he says his nicknames are Dan and Danny, no mention of the Shecky moniker that all of us knew him by. Jen introduced us backstage at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, when he was working as a stagehand on some musical there. We hung out together all the time, despite the fact that he lived out in Rumson and I was in Belford. During our last few months together he was in Improv Jam( a late-night improv show) at Meadow theater and I used to go watch. Treye was always there too, actually! He was good in the show, but I hated the end when the cast would hang out in the lobby and talk to the audience, because girls would always come up to him and flirt or give him their phone number. Nice, especially since I was standing right there. There was a rumor going around that he cheated on me, but I heard it after we broke up so who knows. Anyway, I realized that I talked to this guy every day for two years, and now I don't know shit about what he's up to. (Other than what I can read on the movie database.) It's kind of depressing, losing touch with people. So I did a google search to try to find an email address, and I found some but I don't know if they're really for him or some other Dan Farbers out there so I'm not gonna send anything. I did find a message board on some movie website where someone named catherine shores wrote:"i think DANIEL FARBER IS THE CUSTEST GUY IN THE WORLD". If I still know Shecky, he would get a kick out of that, some girl thinking he's the custest guy in the world. Mis-spelled stuff always cracked him up.
So anyway, hello to everyone I haven't talked to in a while. I hope life is treating you good, and that you are happy wherever you are. I figure it's much easier to post a message up here than to try and find everybody. I'm a lot lazier than I was a year ago.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Wow, I have nothing to write about. I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen for the past 5 minutes, waiting for a topic to come to me. Nothing.
It's very cold in my office right now. No wonder why I keep getting sick.
I wish Arrested Development was on tonight, and that they were going to have a marathon of all-new episodes so I could watch it. I'd also like the episodes to focus mainly on Gob, Buster and George Michael.
Last night I looked through an old photo album and got all teary for my New Jersey friends. I miss them. *shniff*
I'll probably walk over to Blimpie and buy a sub for lunch.
I should walk to places more. I wish shit wasn't so spread out in Arizona so I could walk more.
This is the lamest post ever.
It's very cold in my office right now. No wonder why I keep getting sick.
I wish Arrested Development was on tonight, and that they were going to have a marathon of all-new episodes so I could watch it. I'd also like the episodes to focus mainly on Gob, Buster and George Michael.
Last night I looked through an old photo album and got all teary for my New Jersey friends. I miss them. *shniff*
I'll probably walk over to Blimpie and buy a sub for lunch.
I should walk to places more. I wish shit wasn't so spread out in Arizona so I could walk more.
This is the lamest post ever.
Friday, January 14, 2005
So this is new for me: I started a painting about a year ago and didn't finish it (like usual), but recently I actually went back to it and finished it. I have the problem where if I don't finish a painting all at once, I never go back to it, like I can't get into the right mindset to do it. But not this time, buddy. Uh-uh. I'm proud to say that the painting is now on display in my bathroom. Tickets are $5, but it's an extra $3 to take a pee. I think I should credit my renaissance to listening to the soundtrack of "The Phantom Of The Opera" almost non-stop. Back when I used to paint all the time (and had no bills and no job and was in high school...) I used to listen to the soundtrack to the Broadway show all the time, and it inspired me. The music is just so beautiful and lush. The movie soundtrack is even better, because there's no Michael Crawford. I just can't take that guy's voice seriously. So thanks, new Phantom, for inspiring me. And also, thanks for having a nice area where your neck meets your chest. Does that spot have a name? I like it.
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