Well Thanksgiving is this Thursday. I don't know about you, but it's a weird holiday. When I was little it was pretty cool, because I got to watch the parade on tv, and eat all day. Come to think of it, why was the parade cool? Santa's at the end, sure, but that part was always sort of anti-climactic. I don't really know why watching marching bands from Anytown, USA and cheesy actors from crummy tv shows singing oldies while riding on a giant moving turkey held my young interest. Kids, huh? How about 'em?
Anyway, I'm ready to eat and spend my money at the Thanksgiving sales going on in every store in the world. And I am thankful for my family, my awesome boyfriend, cable tv, mashed potatoes, the cast of "Golden Girls", my gray puma sneakers, Sweettarts and the sound cats make when they chew dry food. Happy Thanksgiving, Suckas.

Well, well, well. Guess who's back? If you guessed Martha Washington, you are wrong.
It's me, Trish, back from a long hiatus from blogging. Not a voluntary hiatus, I feel compelled to mention. See what happened is this, I work in a small office of all women and one man. A while back I went on Man's computer and found lots and lots of porn. Porntastic. I should also mention I am the office manager, not just some nosy bitch. Anyway, I talked to Man, and told him I would not report it if he stopped doing it. At work at least. He agreed and life was peachy for a short while, until I found porn again. I went to my boss, who basically came to Man's defense (probably because she is one of those women who believe men are always right, and thou shalt never question Them.). I left it alone but last month one of the other girls in the office went onto his computer and was bombarded with images of vaginas and cumshots. Not surprised, was I. She screamed at my boss that she would not work with a pervert, and that she better do something NOW! So do something she did (why am I talking like Yoda, by the way?), my boss not only took away Man's internet, she also took everyone else's internet away, and everyone's phone priveleges. I am sooooo pissed because I don't smoke and I don't get my nails done, so therefore I don't get any breaks. I just have to sit there and work constantly. Poor me. Seriously it's very strenuous work I do, and without a few momentary sanity breaks to blog or read the news, it's very hard. My eyes and back hurt from being hunched over sorting little teeny tiny sapphires all day. Not only that, but I'm also our company's web designer, so just how the hell do I work on the website without the internet?? Grr. I can still email though, but only if my emails are deemed appropriate by the restrictions on my PC, so WOW. Thanks Stupid Boss. If anyone knows of a job for me, I would appreciate it. I am a really hard worker, and I'm smart and I know how to do lots of stuff, and I promise not to eat anything stinky for lunch!
So now I gots da internet at home and I'm gonna blog the shit out of...ummmm, this internet! YEAH!! Watch out World Wide Web Weenies!!

I guess subconsciously this Roy(as in 'Sigfried and...') thing has me runnin' scared. Thankfully I'm not often around tigers or lions or anything. At least not THIS week. But last night I had a dream that I went to the zoo and got attacked by a thing that was a cross between a lion and a baboon. Sure, laugh now, but it was soo scary. I swear to god.

It's been a while since I updated, I've been having trouble with that lately. I log in and get ready to type, with my fingers poised over the ASDF-JKL; keys, but my mind is just blank. Maybe it's been the stress of the past week, I don't know. Anyway, here's what happened.
In case you are new to the blog, I have a two cats, a 4-yr old grey cat named Riley, and a 9 month old orange kitten named Fizzie. Fizzgig is his full name, he's named after the little growling goblin thing in "The Dark Crystal". Anyway, Fizzie has the wierdest personality of any cat I've ever met. He likes to make messes and get into everything and wrestle with his older brother. Riley doesn't mind, I think he's happy having someone to play with and take care of. In fact Riley often carries toys and strings in his mouth to give to Fizzie, and gives him baths by licking him until his fur stands straight up. They're a good pair.
So last Thursday night I got to stop home from work for an hour before I had to go out and meet the people from work for dinner. I was really tired and feeling totally lazy, so I called and cancelled. My boss didn't mind, and so I planned for a night on the couch, watching "Friends" or something and eating spaghetti. Little did I know my night was about to take a turn for the worse.
Lisa called and we started talking about how we wanted to go to Old Navy. We like to shop a lot. We decided it was early enough to go, so she was on her way to pick me up and I went to brush my teeth. Fizzie almost always sits on the sink and watches me brush, and he likes to bat at the water coming out of the faucet. So I heard him come a-runnin' when I turned on the faucet, but when he tried to jump up on the counter, he missed. I was worried because he could make that jump in his sleep, something must be wrong. I turned to look at him and noticed he was limping. I dropped everything and picked him up, and as soon as I did he screamed in pain. I put him on the counter and started checking him over but when I got to his right hind leg, I saw what was wrong. The back of his leg had been torn open, and I could clearly see his muscles and bone. I think I actually screamed, and then stood there as his sad little face looked at me like he was saying "Help.". I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to put him on the floor, I didn't know if I should try to wash off his wound or something, but I looked at it again and it looked about an inch and a half long, so cleaning it probably wouldn't help.
Luckily Lisa was supposed to pick me up right about then, so I ran outside to her car and asked her to come in, something was really wrong with Fizz. She came in and looked at Fizzie, and decided he needed a vet right away. Oh yeah, a VET!! So we got the little guy into his carrier and took him to a 24-hour emergency animal hospital. They said he definitely needed stitches, and wanted to know how it happened. I had no idea, there was no blood anywhere or anything sharp laying around. I asked if maybe my other cat could have done it but the vet said it was too clean of a cut, it had to be something very sharp. $450 and many hours later we finally got out of the vet and took him home. So now the poor thing has a sewn up leg and one of those collars on the looks like a cone, so he can't lick himself. He keeps walking into shit and had a hard time eating and drinking because of it, but he's feeling better now. I still don't know what happened and probably will never know.
Oh, I did find some blood, in the center of my bedspread of all places. And there's no blood anywhere else, and nothing sharp anywhere in, around, or under my bed. Maybe he was abducted by aliens, who carelessly dropped him off in the center of my bed! AHHHH! ALIENS!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....

So I've decided that my new favorite word is buoyant.
" \Buoy"ant\, a. Having the quality of rising or floating in a fluid; tending to rise or float; as, iron is buoyant in mercury."
Here are various ways I plan to use this word on a regular basis:
I am feeling rather buoyant today.
I eat plenty of salt to make myself more buoyant in water.
The sprinkles are buoyant on top of the ice cream.
My doctor says I need to lower my cholesterol AND my buoyancy.
My new favorite word is buoyant.
I'd like to be more buoyant in the future.

And there you have it. Buoyancy.

Last night Kane and I went to a free screening of "Kill Bill" at Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall. It was really crowded, the line stretched down most of the length of the entire mall. We got there 1 1/2 hours before the movie started, and were about in the middle of the line, right in front of the Louis Vitton store. We got to stare at a larger-than-life poster of a bitchy looking J.Lo in pink leather boots while eyeing the wierd movie geeks ahead of us in line. There was a guy with a Jedi braid. No shit, right? Yeah, that guy's gonna be a virgin for a looooong time. And then there was a fat guy in a loud black & blue button-down shirt, and he looked like a thinner version of Harry Knowles from AICN. Then another guy in front of us with a long wavy ponytail and karate-style pants stood there with his arms folded, with a determined look on his face that said to me,"I wish Uma Thurman was my girlfriend...". Behind us was this black lady who kept leaving the line and asking us to hold her spot. I was getting mad because she basically got to go off and shop and eat while everyone else had to wait, and I think it's pretty nervy. Finally the line started moving and right as we got up to the theater, sure enough there was the lady, waiting at the entrance and looking for us to jump back in line. To quote the guy behind us,"Fuckin' weak, Dude.".
We got into the theater and there were all these hip-hop guys from 92.3, because the radio station sponsored the event. They had a mic set up and kept saying shit like,"Yo yo yo y'all ready for a free movie or what??". I'll tell you what I was NOT ready for, I was NOT ready to listen to Chingy blaring in the theater while the sweaty fat guy next to me loudly chewed on a burger and fries and informed both the fat girl he was with and myself that "Kung Fu is sweet!". Not as sweet as that dozen donuts you probably inhaled for lunch, sir.
After a short trivia game where people won 92.3 t-shirts for knowing the names of other Quentin Tarantino movies, "Kill Bill" finally started. I really liked it, it was better than I thought it would be. But no one was lying if they told you it's the most violent and gory movie ever. The only thing was that towards the end there were some really long pauses in the middle of the fights, and when you've been sitting for two hours and you have to pee, you don't appreciate them too much. Other than that, it was a fun campy movie, with lots of amputations and decapitations and spraying blood. Good stuff!
Everyone clapped when it was over. I like that.

So this guy was in the office this afternoon, photocopying some stuff. He doesn't work here but he is a friend of my boss's. He is a nice enough guy, but he's sort of wierd. He's very small and effeminate, and extremely annoying. He is getting married in two weeks and we are making his wedding ring, and he calls every day (no exaggeration) and asks,"Is it ready yet??" or "I don't know, do you think the band should be WIDER??" or "I changed my mind, I don't want that ring anymore, I want something completely different, can you custom make a ring in a week?". He is the most picky pain in the butt guy, but sometimes on a good day he can be alright.
Anyway he was standing around telling Andrea how he saw Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young in concert once, and Joni Mitchell opened for them. I walked by, and said,"Joni Mitchell? I could drink a case of her!!"(naturally referencing her song 'Case of You'. Duh.). Well this guy just completely lost it! He started laughing like it was the funniest shit ever said! Things just suddenly felt awkward to me, and I looked at Andrea, who also looked puzzled as to what was so hilarious. I didn't know what to do because he kept laughing at my lame joke, so I just walked away into my office and shut the door.
He left at some point I guess, cuz he's not here now. Next time I'm gonna tell him the one about how Tom Jones's concert was "Not Unusual"!!!! That's one's a real crowd pleaser!!

Gold teeths is hard to come by. Fake ones, that is. Kane is being Jack Sparrow (POTC) for Halloween, and he needs some gold teefs to complete the illusion. So yesterday I had a day off of work to take Fizzie to the vet to get neutered. (Awww, poor ball-less kitten!). Anyway, while he was at the vet, I went to Buffalo Exchange. In case you don't know what that is, it's a really trendy store where you can sell or trade your old clothes, IF they are deemed "cool" enough by the various gay men and anorexic girls who look down on you, umm, I mean work there. So I brought a couple of old t-shirts and jeans, which they bought surprisingly. Usually they look at my old crap and pull it apart, telling me why they don't want my stuff in earshot of whoever's around, and it's pretty embarassing to have them loudly point out a mustard stain on the crotch of your old pants. Anyway, Buffalo Exchange is really overpriced, considering the majority of what they sell is all old and used. They do have some new stuff, and yesterday they happened to have some new Halloween stuff. I was killing time by going through their endless supply of mullet wigs and Austin Powers teeth, when a glimmer of gold caught my eye. It was a snap-on gold tooth, and fortunately it was in a sealed package, NOT previously used by some "funny" abercrombie guy who went as a pimp last Halloween, and had some of his skinny blond abercrombie girlfriends dress up as "sexy" prostitutes. Yeah, get used to that costume, girls, prepare for what your drunk-ass future holds! But I digress....
I was pretty excited to find it, because I'd been going around to stores for a while trying to find some gold teef for Kane, and it just so happened it was the last one there! SCORE! The only thing was, it cost $8. Pretty costly, since it's really just a piece of gold foil, but whatever. Nothing's too good for my baby! So I bought it and gave it to Kane last night and he tried it on, and guess what? The fucking thing doesn't work. You'd think for $8 you'd be able to get a fake gold tooth that stays on your teeth, but apparently not. It stays in if he keeps his teeth clenched, but how's a nigga supposed to bob for apples or drink rum straight from the bottle like that??
Oh well, maybe he can glue it on with a lil' Dentu-grip(TM).
And just in case you were wondering, Fizzie's fine. He's currently recovering in my bathroom, since there's less stuff he can try to jump up on in there. It was funny because he was still all groggy when I got him home yesterday, and when he tried to take a drink from a bowl of water, he misjudged the distance and dunked his whole face in there.
>^..^< "meow!"

That's wierd, my computer can't find my blog page. Or Lisa's. I hate when I know I'm typing in the write address but it just goes to the domain lander page, and offers to search for women's designer fragrances for me instead. No, thanks.
So yesterday I got in a car accident. Not my fault!! I was driving into my apartment complex and far ahead of me at the turn of the road was a black Jetta that was just sitting there. I slowed down, since it wasn't moving and I couldn't drive around it, when all of a sudden the girl starts backing up. I backed up a little, but I couldn't go too far because I would have ended up out in traffic. I stopped my car, as this person is still inching backward. Then I guess she just decided to lean on the gas, because she started speeding backwards. I started honking my horn and shouting (as if that could help when honking obviously doesn't) but this dumb bitch wails right into me anyway! She hit the front of my car so hard that the cd's under my stereo flew into the backseat and passenger's seat and my car got knocked back a few feet. I was so mad, upset, shaken, etc.
I turned off my car and got out and so did the other girl, and the first thing out of her mouth is,"Oh my god, did you just hit me??!?!".
WHAT??? Are you serious? You're the one flying backwards at top speed without looking in your mirror and you think I hit YOU?? Luckily and miraculously there's really no damage to my car, only a few scrapes of black paint. Hers had a lot of my red paint and was pretty dented up. I was ready to punch this bitch out but she was all upset and apologizing, and she said that this was her second car accident this week. Hmmmm, doesn't that tell you something? I didn't bother exchanging info with her since there was no damage, but the other reason was I was scared she'd try to turn this around on me somehow. She seemed like that type, especially when the first thing she said was "Did you just hit me?". But I found out her name and where she works, and if ANYTHING goes wrong with my car, I'm coming to get you Barbara.

I just read Lisa's blog about Pennsylvania Dutch Country, and I just have to say that that was one of the worst family vacations we ever took, and that includes the time we stayed at a South Jersey campground totally infested with biting flies. It wasn't like we were fighting or anything like that, it was just so boring. Even our parents looked bored, it was so obvious they were faking interest in how quilts are made. We went on a tour of some house which was set up like a traditional Amish household, and I remember my dad saying just loud enough for us to hear,"I wonder where they go when they have to make a doody? (Insert fart noise here)", and my mom going, "Tssssss" (this is her noise of disapproval) as Lisa and I had the first genuine laugh since setting foot in Amish country.
I remember it was all grey and depressing outside when we went to that restaurant, and the food being so bad I can still taste it 15 years later. There was a huge bowl of peas in front of me and they were drenched in some unidentified gelatinous goo, and my mom kept telling me to try some. Ugh, regular peas are bad enough. Me and Lisa couldn't wait to go home and watch "Heathers" and daydream about hanging out with Christian Slater. Surely Christian Slater wouldn't be caught dead in Amish Country.
****This just in: ACTOR CHRISTIAN SLATER FOUND DEAD IN PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH AMISH COUNTRY. TWO GIRLS FROM NEW JERSEY MOURN THE STAR, WHO CHOKED ON A PIECE OF MAPLE LEAF CANDY WHILE ON TOUR OF OLD-TIMEY BARN.

I'm really glad that someone tried to cut off David Blaine's water supply to that little box he's living in. Apparently David got a "rude awakening" when someone "climbed" up and tried to "hack through" the water hose. I hope this story doesn't shatter any illusion he might have been attempting, like "Watch as I create water from the thin air inside my enclosed chamber!" Then he'd drink water from his hand (out of the tube that he has weaved through the sleeve in his jacket) and all the people would should "Hallelujah! All praise David!!" Then the queen would knight him and he'd get some Grade-A tail from some british models.
I actually think David Blaine is a piece of crap. He is not a magician, like Houdini or TBS's fabulous"The Masked Magician", but rather like he's auditioning for "Jackass". I was praying he'd freeze to death in that block of ice last year, but unfortunately he made it out alive and well, just in time to nail Fiona Apple. And that whole cutting-off-his-ear stunt he did at that press conference was not spectacular or awe-inspiring, it was just stupid and gross. I could be an amazing "magician" too if I had a team of special FX makeup artists to do all the work for me. I liked when Johnny Knoxville let the baby alligator bite his nipple better. Now that was magical!!
Also, why did D.B. choose to go to England for this pointless stunt? Did he figure the rest of the world doesn't make fun of America enough yet, so maybe he should bring his stupidity to another country and show them, "It's not just a rumor, I really AM this retarded!" I bet he think's when he's done with this trick he'll have a shot with Paris Hilton. Isn't that really why he does this shit anyway? So he can hang out with actors and rock stars and trick innocent dumb models into believing he has talent too?
I hope he gets killed this time. Maybe someone will cut off his air supply. Not "I'm all Out of Love" Air Supply, his oxygen so he can't breathe and he suffocates to death. That'd be a stunt I'd want to see. Does he take requests?

I am all alone in the office, for now anyway. Everyone called and said they were gonna be late. Well not me, dammit! I got up exactly 5 minutes before I had to leave, in fact I got dressed in such a hurry that I'm wearing a pajama shirt today. The reason I slept a little late was due to Fizzie (my kitten).
I lock him out of my room at night because otherwise he jumps all over me and meow's with his little scratchy baby voice, and I needs my sleep y'all. But he managed to wake me up around 5 anyway, because he just discovered that he can get mom mad enough to open her door if he claws at the rug. He cries at the same time he does it, and after a while I can't take any more. Plus I lost my security deposit on my last apartment because my other cat tore up the rug. Not this time!! So I got up and let him in, and he ran into my room and jumped right up on the bed, and settled down into the warm spot where I had just been sleeping, and quickly closed his eyes. With a tired groan I slid his little bread-loaf body over and climbed into bed next to him, just praying he would let me fall back to sleep and not get the sudden urge to attack me. Kittens are finicky like that. But I guess Fizz was pretty content, because he put his little face next to my big face and started licking my nose and forehead. He likes to give kissses a lot, but sometimes it starts to hurt, because cats have very abrasive tongues, and even if you push him away he still creeps back over and goes back to kissin'. Kane can confirm this, since he is Fizzie's favorite person to kiss. One time I had to stop him while Kane was sleeping because I didn't want him to wake up with little bloody patches on his forehead. Anyway, I pushed him away and rolled over, but soon I felt his little paws on my side as he climed over me and proceeded to lick my right eyelid. I picked him up and put him back where he was, and rolled back over, then I felt him snuggle into the back of my neck. I think that's about where I fell asleep again, because I woke up to my alarm screaming "My Own Worst Enemy" or whatever that awful Pink song is called. I turned off the alarm and looked over at Fizz, and had to laugh at what I saw. He was fast asleep, but he had a bunch of my hair sicking out of his mouth. I got nervous for a second that I had a big bald spot on the back of my head, but no, it's all present and accounted for. I guess he was chewing on my hair or something while I was sleeping and a few strands came loose. I tried to pull the hair out of his mouth carefully, but he woke up anyway and sneezed, then fell right back to sleep.

When I was little I remember listening to the radio in the car on the way to school, and there was always a word that the DJ said that I didn't understand. I thought about it a lot back then when I was in 1st or 2nd grade, and it didn't make any sense. I was too embarassed to ask my mom or the teacher or anything, but when we learned about dictionaries, it was one of the first words I looked up. It wasn't in there. This continued to confuse me, but as I got older I forgot about it completely. Then about 3 or 4 years ago I was listening to the radio, and it all came flooding back to me. The DJ said,"...and that was the traffic report for today, stay tuned for sports and weather next.". So THAT'S what they've been saying all these years, not "weathernecks". I felt both totally proud that I had finally solved this conundrum, yet at the same time incredibly stupid because it took me that long to figure it out. I guess the only excuse I can think of is that the DJ's in Jersey on CBS.FM talk too goddamn fast and don't pronunciate clearly. So it's either that or I'm dumb. And for some reason in my youth I associated the term "weathernecks" with Rubbermaid garbage cans. I can't imagine why now, but it made sense back then.
Maybe I shouldn't have blogged about this. This is embarassing.

Did you know that Sophia Loren won an Oscar for a role she played in a language that was completely foreign to her? I think that's pretty sweet. I have enough trouble making up spanish words when I make fun of Jennifer Lopez. Sophia Loren also has really bad stage fright and has never performed on a stage. So she may have that Oscar, but I got her beat in the stage department. I've been in a bunch of plays. What's that Sophia?? You're in awe of my talents? Well, who could blame you, honey.
I found this crap out on IMDB.com, I love that website. I go on there and look up random movies and read all the trivia and bloopers and stuff, it's a great way to waste some time. On Saturday night I stayed over at Kane's place, and we spent almost all night reading movie reviews. Anyone who makes a profile can submit movie reviews and some of them are so hilarious. My favorite guy is grandmastersexy, who calls every low-budget B-movies "Independent films". He also likes to talk about T & A (titties and ass, for those not 'in the know' about the slang), and he had really bad run-on sentences which are fun to read aloud in a monotone voice to your boyfriend when you're both a little buzzed. Let's see what he has to say about, oh..."Jason X":
"Well to start things off,I saw it at 5:00 PM...not the best time to go as far as wanting to see the draw attendance....the theater was about 2/4 full and everyone was having a good time with the comedic parts.After the movie i saw a few kids saying,it sucked and it wasnt like the others...but they obviously dont know some reasons about why it was made.As for me,i thought it was very enjoyable,better then i expected...gore and kills were GREAT and VERY CREATIVE! T&A was very high as far as sexual relations and scenes were concerned,only a few boob shots,but lots of makeout scenes and sex related humor.Overall,very good,and way better then i ever would have expected it to be.Highly Recommended To See In Theaters rather then video,it gives you a much better vibe.I will be seeing this 2 or 3 more times in theaters,which lets you know even more its entertaining."
I wonder if he has anything to say about Leprechaun 2?
"Leprechaun 2 is the sequel to the 1990 film with jennifer anniston of friends...and is surprisingly good and watchable..who would think a film with a lerpechaun killer would be good?Me...this film surprised me,the only one of the leprechaun series with a plot when the lep needs a bride and finds her but people get in his way which p***es him off and his gold is missing...so now hes not stopping the blood and not starting to leave!"
Wow!!! Sounds like a must see to me!!!
There's another guy who writes great reviews, and at first I couldn't tell if he was serious or not since there are so many many morons who write about how great "From Justin to Kelly" was. This guy made us laugh so hard, especially when he talks about Rob Schneider.
My Boyfriend's Back, 1993
"This movie is so hilarious it's not funny. I crapped my pants from laughing so hard and was afraid to stand up because everyone would see it. A bumbling fartknocker dies and he still wants to go on a date with this girl so he comes back from the dead to do it!! I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, it is as funny as it sounds. It was almost as good as Beethoven 3, or even police academy 6!!!!! The only thing that would be sweeter than this movie would be a remake of The Godfather, with the comic genius Rob Schneider as Sonny, and that would be pretty sweet. In conclusion see this sweet movie because it's one of the the sweetest movies about dead guys coming back from the grave to go on a date with girls of all time. "
Beethoven's 4th, 2001
"If Ludwig Van Beethoven had lived to see such artistic genius be created with a character with his name, he would have wept of joy. For this film is so sweet that i'm gonna crap myself. an incredible performance by digby the talking dog as beethoven is just one of the many highlights of this event. Beethoven seems to start acting strange, he's not up to his usual schemes, and judge reinhold (in an incredible performance as the father) wonders what is wrong. They soon find out that beethoven has been switched by a better fartknocking dog. The sorrow that the family goes through is shocking and unbelievably real. I also think Rob Shneider would be excellently cast as the father, or any role. Also the film did not have as many fart jokes as i would have hoped for. We all know that what holds together films is the fart jokes, and i believe that Rob Schneider could have provided enough fart jokes for our satisfaction. But despite the lack of Rob Schneider and fart jokes, this movie was a great ride with an ending so powerful that it changed me as a human being. "
Extreme Ops, 2002
"Every once in a while you see a movie so amazing that it has a place in your heart forever. Every once in a very long while you see a movie that is so good that it changes your life forever. In my life I have come across several of those movies, but when i went to see extreme ops, i viewed a movie that is so incredible, that there should be an entire religion formed around it. Throughout the duration of this movie, I got so excited that I crapped my pants at least 6 times. But can you blame me? Here's the plot: A group of killer Xtreme sports stars, are filming a commercial on a mountain, but than all of a sudden they catch this fartknocking criminal of war on tape! The guy finds out, and starts trying to catch them, so to escape they have to bust some chillin moves down the mountain on their boards and stuff! This movie is so good that if Rob Schneider showed up in it I would probably die because of how good it would be!! The plot is so original, you take Xtreme sports and you already have an incredible movie, you add a criminal of war you get the messiah of all movies. In conclusion if you don't join a religion devoted to this movie, you are a terrible person."
These reviews are so awesome theat I almost crapped my pants. The only thing that would be better is if Rob Schneider wrote them. Oh man, WOW! And anyone who credits Judge Reinhold with "an incredible performance" definitely has their head on straight!! Finally Judge gets the recognition he so richly deserves.

HEY! A new post!! Don't get too excited, I don't really have much to say. I was re-reading my last post, and I really sound very bitter, I think. I'm not really, it's just that people look at me like I just bunny-punched their mom in the eye when I say I don't like the Beatles or Sex and the City. Everyon'e got their own opinion. Opinions are like assholes, if there ain't no poop comin' out, you need more fiber. Isn't that how the ol' saying goes??
I would like to now take this time to make a public outcry to my big sister, Lisa. (As opposed to my other, imaginary big sister, Eunice) When we went to Clown Day, at Rawhide (check out Lisa's blog for the details of that event), she brought her video camera. Lisa, Kane and I took turns filming some of the wierd scenes and strange goins-on, all pretty buzzed up from the 100+ degree heat and the margaritas. We filmed clowns, crying children, and the occasional gangly teenager trying to ride the mechanical bull. I would very much like to see this footage, so I ask you dear sister, put that shit on a regular video tape already, you're killing me over here. I need to know if the camera was rolling right after sundown, when we passed the depressed looking girl in the saloon-gal outfit walking a camel on a leash. And I said,"Hey! That girl's got a bad case of CAMELTOE!", only the alcohol made my voice a bit louder than I intended it to be. She looked pretty pissed. I need to relive that magic again. Please Lisa. If not for me, do it for the children.

Oh, one more thing I forgot to add, although I'm supposed to like this beacuse I'm FEMALE and live in America.
#5. Sex and the City. Excuse me while I fart on this show.
I hope when this show is over I never have to see these four women again. And Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a lion. Yeah, I said it, what??

There are certain things that everyone in their 20's and 30's living in America are supposed to like. I really don't get it, beacuse I do not always appreciate these things. I'm sure that almost everyone reading this particular blog will disagree with me, but that's only natural. So here goes just a few:
#1. The Beatles. I don't get it. I really think their music sucks. They were four ugly guys from the U.K. who started "The British Invasion", beginning with their cheesy, light-hearted pop music, ending up with really long, trippy, rambling songs that let the world know "Hey, we've discovered LSD.". Now I can understand you liking the Beatles(excuse me, THE BEATLES, since it's a Holy diety I am talking about here) if you lived through that time period. You were there in the 60's and it must have been a flowery, tie-dyed experience for you, but what's up with the people my age? Guaranteed if you go into any dorm room in any college in America, or any small apartment occupied by a 20-something gen-X-er (is that still the term for us?), you will find either an "Abbey Road" or "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" poster tacked to the wall all crookedly.(Posters are cooler when hung crooked. Look at the set of any teen movie if you doubt me.) Oh, and there will also be a "Yellow Submarine" or "Hard Day's Night" DVD in their collection. Right next to "Hackers" and "Pulp Fiction".
#2. "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory". People will probably send me hate email over this one. EVERYONE loves this movie. I watched it when I was a kid, and I thought it was okay, but as I got older I liked it less and less. Charlie is played by the most boring, uncharismatic actor in the whole world, and something about the quality of film and sound, and the colors in this movie make me depressed. The scene where Charlie and Gramps float up to the fans used to really scare me, and the Oompa Loompas. They look like psychotic little murderous monsters, and I am pretty sure they raped that Violet girl after they rolled her out of the room. Scary! I am hoping the new one that Tim Burton is making is going to be good, especially since Johnny Depp is playing Wonka. I'm sure it will be. I mean, Roald Dahl HIMSELF hated "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory".
#3. The Real World or Road Rules on MTV. I get upset if I'm around these types of people at the movies or at the mall, why would I want to watch a show about them? This is really the first reality(and I use that term loosely) show on tv, and just in case you have never seen it, the cast is always the same: Drunk frat guy, slutty blond girl, slutty brunette girl, drunk frat guy #2, angry outspoken black girl and gay guy. They live in a nice house that they don't deserve, and go out and get drunk and hook up with each other and fight about absolutley everything. Road Rules is the exact same thing, except they are on a bus or a camper or something, and they sometimes stop at a place and do some wierd stunts. And everyone I talk to says, "Oh, I don't like that show either, EXCEPT for Season 3, when blah blah blah, or season 5, when yadda yadda yadda....". By the way, where does MTV get off still calling themselves MUSIC TELEVISION? Whatever happened to that pesky old "music" anyway? Oh, well, I'm off to watch Punk'd...
#4. Josh Hartnett, Ben Affleck, Vin Diesel., Russell Crowe. Or as I like to call them, Date Rapist, Doughy-face, Date Rapist and Belligerent Drunk. These are the best "Heartthrobs"we can come up with? Wow.

Today's probably not the best time for me to write, I'm feeling all bitchy and pessimistic. I'm just having one of those days where everything has been a huge project, and it's all just been going wrong. Work has been non-stop all day, and I had to do about 4 days worth of work in one day. Then customers keep calling with the dumbest fucking questions, and I'm sorry, but I have no patience for these people. Even getting lunch was a big problem, thanks to the damn gas shortage here in Arizona. I drove to McDonald's but it is right next to a gas station, and the line of cars waiting for gas takes up practically the entire shopping center parking lot. I had to drive past the place to get to the drive through, but as soon as I did, all these people started honking at me and shit, like I was trying to cut them in line for gas or something. Holy Christ! Relax, bitches!!! I just want a fucking burger. Then I get up the drive-through and order and pay and get back to work, and they gave me the totally wrong food. I guess I should have checked before I left, but everything looked okay at a glance when I checked the bag for ketchups. I tried to eat the stuff they gave me but it was all gross. Dumb old McDonalds. And thanks to the big fiasco it was to get through the parking lot and get my lunch, I'm now getting pretty low on gas. Argh.
But I think I know how to solve the gas shortage. All we have to do is tell all the people who have giant SUV's that there's a place "right outside of town" that has gas, and nobody's over there yet. Then when they leave, we lock the big iron gates behind them. They're the ones who have giant gas tanks and burn up all the gas anyway. Fuck Em. They're all the types who have kids named Dakota or Taylor or Cody or Skylar, which automatically puts them in my "People to Shoot in the Goddamn Face" category. Plus, what do you need an SUV for anyway? Are these people really hauling heavy building materials around, or off-roading? I'm guessing not too many gold-rimmed Escalades are out there, doing donuts in the mud somewhere with Lenny Kravits's "Dragonfly" blaring from their stereos.
I bet Edward Burns drives a big, gold-plated SUV. Fuck that guy!

"(Static)Mike Toole....(static)....please abandon the Ice Cream Social and attach the safety harness to your person, Over."-Helicopter guy.
Lisa did a good job trying to translate our little "scenario" into writing. Except you forgot one thing- Edward Burns feels he should be spared from New York City based on the fact that he is a huger-than-life Megastar!!
"WAIT!!! Didn't you see 'She's the One'??!?!" Burns, running at top speed grabs the ropes attached to the safety harness and ties it tightly to his belt."Tell Christy TURLINGTON I LOVE HERRRRRRRRRRR.....uhhh!" Edward Burns slams face first into the side of a van, with enough force to briefly knock the vehicle up on two tires!
Later on in the trip, we see Mike Toole peeling Cherry-flavored outer space shapes from the cellophane of his fruit Roll-up. "Hey! Look Ed, it's a spaceship! Blast off to Planet Fruit!!" No reply from Edward Burn's limp, lifeless body dangling below.
"Whoa, looks like there's a little rain coming our way! Better Zip up your jacket, Ed!!" Toole buttons his coat and tucks his hands into the pockets, feeling rather satisfied from his "meal" of processed fruit pieces. No reply from Edward Burn's limp, lifeless body dangling below.

I did a really cool painting last night. It's very Tim Burton-esque, of a black and white carousel on a pink background. It came out great, but as it was drying, my kitten Fizzie jumped up onto the table and landed right in the center of my masterpiece! I was so pissed, I yelled at him and put him in the sink and tried to wash the pink paint off his little paws and tail. This is the second time I have been painting and he's jumped on it and ruined it. I think he's got some kind of an issue with my creativity. And with my fireplace, he likes to jump in there too. Luckily there's been no fires at these times. He did try to get into the hot oven once. I think he needs some therapy.