I got an email from Lisa today that said:
"MINCHIES! What is a minchie? Ten dollars off your cable/phone bill payment for this month if you can make a photoshop picture of something that could be a "minchie." I'm serious!"
So here's a Minchie.
Whatdoyathink???? Can you picture this thing traipsin' through your garden?

I can almost feel that $10 in my pocket already! Pay up, Schwester.

This morning I woke up and started thinking about all of the people I've lost contact with over the years. I hate not knowing where people are and what they're up to, you know? All these people that used to be so important to me probably think that I've forgotten all about them(or they're thinking nothing, because they've forgotten about me!). I know it's part of growing up, but I don't like it. I always want to know how everyone's doing.
About a year ago I went crazy trying to track down one of my all-time favorite people, Tracy Hoerning. Treye is one of those rare people who are just completely nice. The girl just didn't have a mean bone in her body, despite all of the hard stuff she went through and the people that were assholes to her. She just always had a smile on her face and most of the time, a paper crown on her head. We took art together and our teacher Mr Johnston totally loved us. When he made the rest of the class do some boring assignment, he let me and Treye do whatever we wanted(which usually involved making paper hats that looked like trout, with the fins and gills and everything), and sat with us and played spanish guitar. One time we hid from the police bomb squad in the auditorium, and escaped in the crawl space under the stage. We also spent many Saturdays going garage sale-ing for the wierdest stuff we could find, and I taught her how to grill and we even planned to have a white-trash barbeque. She was a very good friend, and I don't think I'll ever meet a person like her again. And oh yeah, one time she and her friend played pool with Robert Smith. As in Robert Smith of The Cure.
So last year I decided I was going to find her. I tried searching the internet and calling people. I finally got a hold of her mother (Trollwoman, as Treye called her), and got a few numbers from her. After many failed attempts, I finally got the answering machine of some guy in Seattle(I think?), and I left a message but never heard back. I decided to give up my search, and just leave it up to life to reunite me and my friend. But I hate that though.
This morning I decided I wanted to send an email to Shecky. Shecky (real name Dan Farber) is an ex of mine. We dated all through my freshman and sophmore year in high school, and we broke up when he went away to NYU. That's about where I lost touch with him, except for briefly meeting him for coffee at Marina Diner right before I moved to Arizona. Since then, I found out he moved to LA and has been in some movies and on "Malcolm in the Middle" and "ER" and stuff. It was so weird how I found out, Kane and I were looking for people on IMDB, and just for the hell of it, I told him to type in Daniel Farber, see if Shecky actually made it. And he did! If you look at his bio on IMDB, he says his nicknames are Dan and Danny, no mention of the Shecky moniker that all of us knew him by. Jen introduced us backstage at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, when he was working as a stagehand on some musical there. We hung out together all the time, despite the fact that he lived out in Rumson and I was in Belford. During our last few months together he was in Improv Jam( a late-night improv show) at Meadow theater and I used to go watch. Treye was always there too, actually! He was good in the show, but I hated the end when the cast would hang out in the lobby and talk to the audience, because girls would always come up to him and flirt or give him their phone number. Nice, especially since I was standing right there. There was a rumor going around that he cheated on me, but I heard it after we broke up so who knows. Anyway, I realized that I talked to this guy every day for two years, and now I don't know shit about what he's up to. (Other than what I can read on the movie database.) It's kind of depressing, losing touch with people. So I did a google search to try to find an email address, and I found some but I don't know if they're really for him or some other Dan Farbers out there so I'm not gonna send anything. I did find a message board on some movie website where someone named catherine shores wrote:"i think DANIEL FARBER IS THE CUSTEST GUY IN THE WORLD". If I still know Shecky, he would get a kick out of that, some girl thinking he's the custest guy in the world. Mis-spelled stuff always cracked him up.
So anyway, hello to everyone I haven't talked to in a while. I hope life is treating you good, and that you are happy wherever you are. I figure it's much easier to post a message up here than to try and find everybody. I'm a lot lazier than I was a year ago.

Wow, I have nothing to write about. I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen for the past 5 minutes, waiting for a topic to come to me. Nothing.
It's very cold in my office right now. No wonder why I keep getting sick.
I wish Arrested Development was on tonight, and that they were going to have a marathon of all-new episodes so I could watch it. I'd also like the episodes to focus mainly on Gob, Buster and George Michael.
Last night I looked through an old photo album and got all teary for my New Jersey friends. I miss them. *shniff*
I'll probably walk over to Blimpie and buy a sub for lunch.
I should walk to places more. I wish shit wasn't so spread out in Arizona so I could walk more.


This is the lamest post ever.

So this is new for me: I started a painting about a year ago and didn't finish it (like usual), but recently I actually went back to it and finished it. I have the problem where if I don't finish a painting all at once, I never go back to it, like I can't get into the right mindset to do it. But not this time, buddy. Uh-uh. I'm proud to say that the painting is now on display in my bathroom. Tickets are $5, but it's an extra $3 to take a pee. I think I should credit my renaissance to listening to the soundtrack of "The Phantom Of The Opera" almost non-stop. Back when I used to paint all the time (and had no bills and no job and was in high school...) I used to listen to the soundtrack to the Broadway show all the time, and it inspired me. The music is just so beautiful and lush. The movie soundtrack is even better, because there's no Michael Crawford. I just can't take that guy's voice seriously. So thanks, new Phantom, for inspiring me. And also, thanks for having a nice area where your neck meets your chest. Does that spot have a name? I like it.

Hello, everyone. I am feeling rather blah today. Not much going on upstairs. Instead of a blog, here's a picture of Willy Wonka. Hurrah!

This morning my alarm went off and the radio came on. And I don't know if I made this up since I was half-asleep, but I could've sworn I heard a song by John Mayer (it had to be John Mayer, it was all breathy and shitty and said something about "Fathers.......take care of your daaaaaauuuuuuughters..." in it) but then clips from news stories about the tsunami were added every few seconds. Someone please tell me that I dreamed this.
If by some chance I didn't dream it, then I hate John Fucking Mayer even more than I already did. (Here comes a rant, people.) I'm definitely all for helping out the tsunami victims, and raising money for them, but I think a song like that is completely inappropriate. I think there are 3 different categories that people fall into when some huge tragedy happens. There's the people who are very concerned and who anonymously donate whatever and whenever they can. These people generally want to help. Then there's people who only help out when people are there to actually see it, and want tons of credit for it. You can recognize these types of people because A., they're a celebrity or B., they're the guy in line in front of you at Blimpie who make a big show of putting 50 cents into the tip jar, and do it slowly, looking around to see if people are watching. Wow man, that's REAL big of you! And the last group is made up of the people who secretly get off on tragedy. They'd never admit it in a billion years, but they get kind of excited when something horrible happens. They can't wait to hear all the gory details and see pictures of people whose lives are destroyed, and put all the "UNITED WE STAND" and "9-11: WE WILL NEVER FORGET" bumper stickers on their cars. These are the people for whom stupid shallow rock stars prey upon to sell their gimmicky music in times of trouble. In fact, you're NOT a good american if you didn't buy Springsteen's album dedicated to the victims of 9-11. And wasn't it wonderful how 9-11 united everyone? So maybe the unthinkable happened and all these people suffered horrible painful deaths (did you see all those photos printed in Newsweek? I have my copy saved in a special dust-free jacket!), it was GREAT how everyone had flags on their cars and sent those poems and stories to everyone on email. In fact, I'm still sending them!
I'm not saying we should forget about what happened, but do you think after December 7, 1941, there was a merchandising blitz, people selling anything that said "Pearl Harbor" on it? Probably not. It's just our society today and the way the media and entertainment feeds it, and it's sad.
Thankfully, I've yet to see any "Tsunami 2004!" t-shirts or bumber stickers yet, and George W. Bush hasn't yet declared a war on underwater earthquakes, but I'm thinking it's just a matter of time.
Whew, end of rant.
Or maybe I did just dream up that John Mayer song. If so, my bad.

Today I started writing a book. This is the first time I've ever done this so it's weird. Lisa's the writer in the family. I'm the artist. Really I'm just writing to copy Lisa! Little sisters always copy what their big sisters do. There you go Lisa, now run to mom and tell her I'm copying you. I promise I'll scream, "I AM NOT!!" and slam my bedroom door. No, I kid, I kid.
I don't think I'll ever do anything with this book, should I ever actually finish it. I don't think I'll ever even let anyone read it. But still, I wants to tell a story.
Goodnight, Blog.

Here's another classic scene from "Better Off Dead":
After being insulted by Roy Stalin and not realizing it, Charles De Mar and Mike Toole break up Roy and Beth's intimate slow dance to congratulate him on a joke well-done!

"You better shave her a little closer before you kiss her goodnight."-Roy
"You better shhhhh......ha HA HAha ha....you better......HA HAHAHAHA!!!!!"-Charles
"HA! Good one Roy! Thumbs up!"-Mike

We went to a New Year's Eve party at my friend Jen's house in Avondale. It was fun, even though it wasn't really our crowd of people. Jen gave us a tour of her brother's house, and along the way we found a disturbingly life-like stuffed dog. It looked more like taxidermy than loveable plaything, and when you push a button, it's belly moves up and down like it's breathing. Ewww. Jen and Kane were brave enough to touch it.

Jen and I model a platter of delicious chicken wings in the kitchen. Shortly after, Kane, Brianna, Robert and I were cornered by a girl who repeatedly told us she was "too old" to go out to da clubs and have fun anymore. She was 27. Robert is 30. Thanks for making Robert feel old, drunk girl.

After soaking up some alcohol, I challenged Robert to a game of Ping Pong in the garage. I don't know who won, but I think we both kinda did. I do know that the guy who threw the party lost, because we must have whipped the ball at his car about 20 times. After a while we started getting really violent. "Extreme Ping Pong". A new olympic sport.

Kane thoroughly enjoyed the game, with a little help from his friend Rum. He got hit with the ball a few times, but he didn't feel it.

After we got tired of Ping Pong, Robert and I took turns beating the hell out of Brianna. That was way more fun than hitting some crappy little ball around.

Here's how much I love Siouxsie:
“Turn off that #$@*% cell phone, you spoiled rotten little brat! This is not about you.”--Singer Siouxsie Sioux, lashing out at Paris Hilton in the Enquirer. Paris had reportedly been yapping on her celly during the toasts at a private party for Deborah Harry. The heiress reportedly blushed and beat it like a banshee out of there. But that didn't stop Siouxsie from giving her a parting shot: "Who invited that silly cow anyway?"

All day I've been searching for pictures of the New Year's Eve dance scene from "Better Off Dead". This is one of my all-time favorite movies. Ever. Lisa and I have had this one memorized since we first taped it off of HBO in '86, and watched it almost every single day. I still can't go a whole month without putting it on, at least to watch a few scenes. The dance is probably my favorite. Anyway I wanted to find a good shot of Stalin making fun of Lane and Charles at the dance, but it can't be found! I looked everywhere. But I did find a really great interview with the guy who played Ricky.


"Well, you sure have my vote for cutest couple! You better shave her a little closer before you kiss her goodnight..."-Roy Stalin

Anyway, Happy New Year! I hope no one uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over you.

What's up everybody? I'm sorry my blog has been just a bunch of pictures lately. I've had nothing to say. Well, there's plenty to say but I just haven't been inspired enough to do it. So how was everyone's Christmas/Hanukah? (Wasn't there something that "The O.C." tried to start, naming all the December holidays "Christmaquanzaahanukah" or something like that? Whatever, "The O.C." pisses me off by just existing. No wait, just that Mischa Barton girl. No wait, all of them.)
Right now it is raining in Scottsdale, and I'm wearing pajamas at work and listening to "Starman" by David Bowie on my headphones. Ever since Lisa and I saw "The Life Aquatic" on Sunday I can't stop listening to Ziggy Stardust. I love this album. But it's one of those that I can't just choose one song, or I can't say why I like it exactly. "The Life Aquatic" was awesome, I definitely recommend it. It is one of those movies that you get totally pulled into the world it creates, and forget about everything else. It's nice to take a 2 hour break from life sometimes. Kane went to the movies on Sunday night too, and he saw "The Machinist" with his friends. I wanted to see that too, but I knew it would be kind of a downer so I chose "Aquatic". Anyhow he said "The Machinist" was good, but a little slow. Although you might have read that already.
Today I'm wearing my new purple scarf, made for me for Christmas by Brianna. It's the coziest, warmest, snuggliest scarf ever. It's made of this fuzzy yarn that feels like a muppet, in two shades of purple. Knowing her she probably strangled a muppet to make it. I hope it was Elmo! Thanks again, Brianna, you're the coolest! Homemade gifts are so much nicer than store-bought ones. Not that I don't appreciate those, but when someone takes time making something it just feels more meaningful. But one of my favorite presents I got this year was from Kane. He got together with our friends Jen, Diana and Robert and made a movie for me. It's called "Yams: a True Toddler Story Performed by Adults". It's a dramatic re-enactment of the time his 3yr. old niece didn't want to eat the yams that Kane's dad made for dinner. His dad said,"Eat them or you won't get any ice cream.". She said,"Mommy gives me ice cream at home..." and Kane said,"Mommy's not going to give you any ice cream. I ate it all.", then she burst into tears. Kane played his neice, and Jen and Diana played Kane and his dad, respectively.
It's much, much funnier than I'm describing it here, you'll just have to see the movie. It's his best film since "Le Wed".
Now I'm off to finish making a new page for our company catalog. Have a good day Bloggers, and I hope none of you gets swept away in a Tsunami. Wear your swimmies and a helmet when you go out, okay?

Now here's Kane after being let out of "jail", but Sierra still is giving him a stern lecture. I can't remember how it went, but it was something like,"And if I ever catch you playing with my Dancin' Pooh again, I'll fucking beat your ass 'till it bleeds, Dicksmoker!!". Yeah, that Sierra has quite a mouth on her.

I got a new digital camera from Kane for christmas!! It's so awesome, I can't stop taking pictures of everything. And if you don't want your picture taken, too fucking bad because I'm taking it anyway! Here's Kane after he was placed under arrest by his 3 year old neice Sierra.

Here's a picture I just sent to my dear friend Buck. His real name is Nathan. He's a crazy motherfuck.

Taryn gave me this pamphlet that arrived in the mail this morning at the office. I don't know what's worse: the title (Messages of the Stars? How new-age cheesy can you get? I know what she's trying to say, but the wording just ain't right. "Dear Polaris, Don't forget to pick up milk. Love, Orion's Belt"), or that this poor girl looks like she has a black eye. It's called concealer, Honey. Use it if your man popped you in your right eye last night because his dinner wasn't ready on time. And next time you better make damn sure that supper is on the table at 6 o'clock SHARP. You hear me?? Love, The Stars.

Here's some stuff I've been doing instead of blogging:
-got approved for a mortgage with my sister, then decided not to buy a house.
-decorated my boss's dining room at her house with red, white and pink ribbon.
-took a candlelit bubble bath while listening to songs from "Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas" on my headphones.
-made perfectly shaped sugar cookies, and then cursed a lot when the finished product looked like big round blobs of nothing.
-ate a lot of sugar cookies.
-almost went to the mall about 8 different times, then wisely decided not to.
-drank a beer or two.
-got a tetanus shot in my left arm.
-had a sore arm from getting my tetanus shot.
-almost finished watching "Arrested Development Season One" on DVD with Lisa. 2 episodes left!!
-listened to a playlist of "Just Dropped in to See What Condition My Condition Was In" by Kenny Rogers and "The Final Countdown" by Europe on repeat. I am doing this right now actually.

Since Lisa is posting some old family pictures, I figured I should contribute a little. Since there's such a demand for these, you know. This is from a fine day in the summer of 83, when our family went to Sesame Place. Here we are on Sesame Street, that's me down in front(I'm the white one), looking unimpressed, probably thinking about hot dogs or ice cream or some kind of food. That's my dad front and center. He's making his,"Jesus Christ just take the damn picture and let's get the hell out of here and go get a hot dog" face. And that's Lisa in the background, smiling brightly in her nautical-themed swimsuit, apparently unaware that The Count is lurking in the window behind her. The Count was like Lisa's biggest fear when she was little. When he would come on TV, she would run and hide behind my mom. Mom would usually give her a hot dog to calm her down. No wait, that was me. And I wasn't afraid of The Count, I was just hyperventilating because the neighbor's cat was in our yard.

But Hot dogs have very calming effect, that's my point.

So I'm working on our christmas cards here at work, and I ran out of ribbon, so I had to run over to Michael's to buy some more. While I was waiting in line to pay, I totally almost saw a soccer mom fistfight!!!! One of them was pushing her stuff up on the counter into the other one's stuff, and she was like, "Ummm, EXCUSE ME but I haven't paid yet..." so I guess the other lady moved her stuff back. But after angry soccer mom #1 paid, she yelled, "What a BITCH!!!" as she was walking out the door. Then soccer mom #2 dropped her stuff and followed out after her, and she was like,"What did you call me? I was just trying to unload my cart, you fucking BITCH!", and then they disappeared from my line of vision out the front door. So anyway, I paid for my ribbon and went outside, only to see soccer mom #1 getting into her car(which was parked in a handicapped spot, by the way) and I guess soccer mom #2 was waiting for her, because as soon as she pulled out of the spot, #2 was right on her, tailgaiting her and giving her the finger. I guess #2 forgot about her huge cart full of shit and decided to just leave. But wow, was that a fun sight to see! I wish some punches were thrown, cuz that would've been awesome! Ah, the pleasures of shopping at Christmas time.

I made this picture to celebrate my favorite bad holiday movie, "Borrowed Hearts". If you have any interest in seeing it, first of all God bless you, and second of all, the Family channel shows it like 100 times during their 25 Days of Christmas marathon. It's about a shallow rich guy who rents a family to impress Hector Elizondo, who is a business associate from Mexico, a fact that the filmakers repeatedly shove down your throat. The rich guy has to give up his free-wheeling, whoring-it-up lifestlye for the time that Roma Downey(who plays the rented mom) and her stupid kid are there, and highjinks ensue. The best part of this movie is that the little girl in it is probably THE worst actress I've ever seen. And her last name is Fruitman, so Jen and I used to have a great time screaming "FRUITMAN!!!!" at the tv whenever she came on. Anyway, if you have seen this wonderfully bad movie, I hope you can appreciate this picture. And if not, I hope you can appreciate this picture. Joyeux Noel, Hector Elizondo.

Today I have the biggest urge to ditch work and go home, and watch Crybaby and eat tons of ice cream. Ha! I almost wrote "dick work". Anyway I can't because I'm too damn responsible for my own good. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was really good, and I made my very first apple pie ever. And it was good.

Hmmm. No sign of Grandma Shitz. I don't know if maybe she's taking a Thanksgiving break or what, but I'm still waiting for her.
In the meantime, I've been keeping busy. Training my new assistant has been keeping me busy, but it's going even better than I thought it would. The Christmas rush is just starting, so I've been trying to get all the orders done that have been coming in, but it's getting hard. It takes normally about 3-4 weeks to make a piece of jewelry, and these people want it in 5 days. Not happening. So since I'm the one who takes all of the customer's abuse when their stuff doesn't arrive in time, I've just been working non-stop, rushing absolutely everything that touches my desk. The other day I was filling out an order sheet and in the "Date Required" section, I wrote "7 days". This made me think of The Ring, which made me laugh, because the order was also for a ring. Then I was walking around the office all day whispering "7 DAYS.". I don't think anyone knew what the hell I was doing though.
On Sunday night, me and Kane and Lisa went to see "Finding Neverland". I totally loved it. Great movie, made me cry a little. OK, a lot. But I would be lying if I said it didn't make me think of Michael Jackson. That motherfucker ruined the Peter Pan story for me forever. There was one scene in the movie where a man is talking to J.M. Barrie about how much time he spends with Kate Winslet (character name??) and her four boys. He tells Barrie that people are talking, and implying things about his relationship with the boys in particular. Then old J.M. says something to the effect of,"No! How could anyone think that?? They're just innocent young boys...". Luckily I was able to push that moonwalking bitch out of my mind and enjoy the movie, but still, in our minds the three of us were all hearing a freakishly soft voice saying, "Nooooo, that's ignorant. You're being ignorant...".
Last night Lisa and I went to Allison's house to have dinner and watch "Family Guy". We brought dessert with us, a cookies & cream cake. It was so good, but there was a lot left over. Since Allison was on a diet she made us take it home, so we got halfway there before we decided we didn't really want it, and it would either go stale and mouldy on our kitchen counter, or we'd eat it all and get sick from it. So I rolled down the car window and chucked it out, frisbee-style. In midair the container popped open and the cake just sort of blew apart, splattering all over the side of the road. It felt oddly satisfying, throwing a cake from a moving car like that. I recommend trying it sometime, that is if you are ever in a situation of cake surplus. Good times. Anyway, Lisa and I rationalized throwing it away because it had "shmutz" all over the top. I called and told Kane about all of this when I got home, and his roommate Rob said, "Isn't shmutz Jewish people's blood?". I was referring to the cookie crumbs on top as shmutz, but whatever!
Here endeth the lesson.

The Shitting Bandit (Almost) Strikes Again!
Today the old lady came back. Luckily I was poised and ready to go with the camera, so here she is. She didn't actually "go" today, she just did a quick walk-by, but Kane and I are guessing it was only because there were two women sitting on a bench nearby, and that might have spooked her. Too many witnesses. But don't worry, I'll keep the camera ready and if I see her, she's getting her picture took! This is so messed up. This is probably someone's grandma, people. Grandma.

P.s. What's that white stuff she's holding? Innocent plastic bag, or toilet paper? You decide.

Holy crap!
Today that old lady that I wrote about last week came back. Kane was in my boss's office, and he called out,"Trish, look!!! There she is!!". Sure enough, the old lady in the green shirt was back again. I called out to Taryn, who came running into my office just in time to see the old woman pull down her pants and use the front lawn of the house across the lake as her own personal toilet. What the fuck??? This time we know she HAS to be doing this for a reason, because it was in the exact same spot right in front of a house, and the woman even peeked through the bushes of the house to check and see if someone saw her. Then she booked it out of there. The other thing is, it happened last Tuesday afternoon, now today. I think next Tuesday I'm going to have my camera at the ready and try to take a picture of this Shitting Bandit. My theory is that her husband left her for someone younger (who doesn't shit on things outdoors in broad daylight) and they live in that house. Jilted ex-wife, or chronic crapper. You make the call!

Here's a few thoughts on the Scott Peterson Guilty verdict from me and Lisa.
Lisa: "Maybe she got thrown overboard, and dismembered by the fishes. Cuz fishes are very vishes."
Me: "Fine!! You think he's so innocent? YOU date him!"

Here's something I meant to write about a few days ago, but keep forgetting to. Here we go.
I think it was on either Monday or Tuesday, Kane and I were in my office working on some sapphires. The work gets really tedious, and can strain the hell out of your eyes, so you need to take a lot of breaks to look out the window at something far away to stretch your eyes. Anyway, Kane is taking one of these breaks, and suddenly I hear,"Uhhh.......Trish? Are you seeing this?"
"Seeing what?"
"That old lady out there, across the lake?"
"What old lady, I don't see any old lady."
"Right there, she's bending down and..."
"Oh, yeah, I see her. OH!!! Is she taking a shit????!!?"
"I think so."
Yeah. There was an old woman, probably in her sixties, with her pants down either peeing or crapping on some guy's lawn. Right in broad daylight, in full view of the world. Then she pulled up her slacks(old ladies call them slacks) and briskly walked away, disappearing behind the trees and bushes around the corner.
Man, I've seen some shit from my office window before. But never REAL shit. That's new.

"Mr Healey...". This guy's now a roadie for a bunch of lame garage bands. Ah, the magic of Hollywood.

is it just me, or......

Today I was looking around on American Eagle's website for some ideas for christmas presents. I decided I really hate their logo shirts right now. Usually they have some cute ones, but these are pitiful. Here's my ideas, if they ever decide they want to hire me as a designer. I think people would totally buy these. I would, anyway!

*

*

So we put an ad in the paper for a new assistant for me. Actually this person is going to be trained to take over my job when I leave for NJ in April. So far no one really promising has come along, but they do keep getting stranger. The ad was:
Design Asst. FT. Good w/color sorting, creative, independent. Skilled at detailed drawing & computer. Photography, Photoshop & website experience a +.
Today I got a resume from this one guy, who was a crew trainer at McDonald's. He did go to Collins College, so he's probably just a web design guy. But he had two web addresses under "Examples of my work". One was a photography website, I'm guessing his mom's since they shared a last name, and she looked a little too old to be his wife or something. The next was a Blog-style page, with a few entries, one of which was the following:

Children's fears ... me with a shovel, a trash bag, and some duct tape
Step one : find a small child preferably 3-5 years of age
Step two : lure them in to your white van with the prmise of puppies/candy
Step three : give them candy/puppy laced with knock out drugs
Step four : once they have passed out use duck tape to hog tie their feet and hands
Step five : bludgeon them to death with your shovel
Step six : make sweet, sweet love to thier carcass
Step seven : cut them into peices
Step eight : with the shovel bury their tiny little pieces
Step nine : rinse and repeat steps 1-9

Now, lucky for him I'm not easily offended, but if you were sending out resumes and wanted to show examples of your work, is this something you would want your prospective employers to see?? Also, I don't quite get what his "work" is, anyway. If he designed the websites, they are painfully basic and not at all impressive, and one of them has such a high bandwidth that it takes way longer to load than it ever should. But if he wanted me to be impressed with his writing skills he failed! I'm really looking for someone who's NOT a lunatic. Sorry guy. I guess I'm gonna have to go with the guy who was a "Fish Processor" and didn't graduate high school. And no, I'm really not making that up.

In honor of Halloween, or "Costume Day" as those PC assholes are calling it, I thought I would post some "Ghostly" pictures to put everyone in the "Spirit" of this "Ghoulish" holiday! Try not to crap your "Trousers" because of how "Scared" you "Are"!
This one's a little wordy for me, but I appreciate the big confused looking owl. I do NOT, however, appreciate the scary silver witch floating ominously in the background. And is that the ghost of the large, confused owl looking on? Maybe he's looking back on his life, and regretting standing on the branch next to all those instructions.
Wait, wait wait. I just read some of the card. Does it say to pluck some owl feathers and EAT them? Sister, if you're out wandering in the woods eating owl feathers, you got a hell of a lot more to worry about than Halloween greetings. See a doctor or something. Jeez.

Umm, why have the tradition of wearing pumpkins on your head faded away? I think what this girl is doing has something to do with choosing a mate, as do most Halloween traditions. Let's hope she doesnt end up with the Beggarman, or *gasp* the SAVAGE! See him at the bottom, sadly eyeing what he can never have. How come only the Doctor, the lawyer and the beggarman have bodies? Partial bodies are better than no bodies, right? Choose the Lawyer, he has a left arm and some papers or something!! Choose the Lawyer!

This witch has a dick. And a severe case of Roseacea.Maybe she's just blushing at the size of her member. "Oooooooo, look how big my dick is!"

Here are 3 jaunty fellows, up to some tricks. Notice the man in the background, doing his damndest to protect his livelihood from the town's young punks. Better catch up, #3! Old man Farmer's waving a shotgun up there, and nothing kills Halloween fun like getting plugged in the back of the head.

Happy Halloween, Geeks! Renaissance rejects on the loose! Renaissance rejects on the LOOSE!!!

Here's a fun couple. Adelade and Tommy. Those clowns!

Today Kane and I went to the Halloween store to try and find a witch hat for me for Halloween. I originally was going to be a blue fairy, but I couldn't find a dress that was plain blue. Then I was going to be a bat, because I found these really cool purple and black wings. Then I found a really really cute black dress at the mall, and it's sort of witchy, so now I'm being a witch. I can never make up my mind ever. But I do know that this year I have to be something that people won't ask "What are you supposed to be?". Last year I was the chick from "Pirates of the Carribbean" and I worked so hard to sew my costume and make the necklace with the coin on it, and Kane had a perfect Jack Sparrow costume and we were next to each other the whole night, and people still thought I was Cinderella. Fuck that. This year, as long as I can find a witch hat, everyone will know at a quick glance what I'm supposed to be. So this year it's nothing but drinking and more drinking, uniterrupted by stupid questions.
Anyway, my whole point is, does anyone sell just plain old black witch hats?? All of them were either leopard print or zebra striped or covered in all kinds of shit. I'd settle for one covered in bats and spiders and crap, but not for $30. I did find a really cool little 50's looking hat with a big spider on top and thought that would be cool, but then I remembered it would bring me right back to the "What are you supposed to be?" problem.
Maybe I should just forget the whole thing and be Donatella Versace, like I originally planned. She's scarier than anything I've ever seen.

What happened to my Harry Potter blog??? 'Tis gone! I wrote it on October 21st, and now 'tis GONE.

I was thinking, if P. Diddy (or Puff Daddy or Puffy or Sean Combs or Combie Mcnutz) just steals old songs and remakes them with a little more bass and him going "uh-huh, yeah." over it, I'd like to hear him re-make "Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina & the Waves. Mainly because I'd like to hear him sound all bad-ass while singing about walkin' on sunshine. And the video would be him in a solid gold suit waving money around, while surrounded by big-assed girls in bikinis dancing all up on him. Uh-huh, yeah. Bad Boy Fa LIFE.

And now, an unhappy looking dog dressed as a teddy bear. I think I'll change this blog to just be all pictures of animals dressed up. No wait, I won't do that.

Who's reading this that didn't see "Team America"? What's wrong with you? Go see it. NOW! I'll wait.
OK, you're back? You loved it, didn't you?!!!? Yeah, I thought you would.

Both my mom and Lisa sent me this picture today. I like the French Fries. One time my friend Mikey was a Milkshake for Halloween. He wore a little kid's costume, and we had to cut it off of him later that night because it was too tight and he couldn't get it off. Anyway.....

This afternoon I was sitting at my desk, soldiering through the after-lunch slump, when I thought that maybe in my next post I should fake my own death. Not for real, just to see who'd send me flowers. Then, I'd post again, and be like, "Hey, it's me!! I'm alive and well! Sending flowers wasn't so hard, was it Blog readers??! Well, my birthday's June 13th. Get ready to send some more. And for the record, I don't care for carnations, LARRY.". This part would be especially funny because I don't know anyone named Larry.
Anyway, I decided not to do it.
Tonight me and Kane and Lisa (Or Lisa, Kane and I, if you are an English teacher reading this) are going to see "Team America". I haven't been this excited for a movie since, ummm, probably "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabahn". I never go to movies on opening night, but Matt& Trey are two of my favorite people in the world so I'll risk it. Kane and I just have bad movie-luck. Every time we go, someone ends up sitting in front of/directly next to us, and they talk during the whole movie, or keep getting up, or their cell phones ring, or their newborn baby starts screaming. And opening night of a movie is usually the most crowded it gets, so our chances of a pleasant movie-going experience are even slimmer than usual. When we went to see "28 Days Later" (Not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock Alcoholic Farse "28 Days"), and the entire beginning of the movie is silent, as the lead character awakes from a coma to find that everyone is gone. It's a very eerie and well-done scene, but not when some black girl sitting behind you shouts out "This movie's too QUIET.". Then she has a kid who keeps pulling on the back of your chair(Why do people need rocking movie theater seats anyway?) and grabbing your hair along with it. On top of that, the only seats available were front row, right corner. It was awful.
And that's what you gotta know, everybody.

Fizzie likes to sing "Big Pimpin'" by Jay Z.

Here's Fizzie, politely asking me for some dinner. He always makes sure to say "Please" and "Thank you". He's no Mr. Bungle!

This is a picture of Hilary Duff from the movie "Raise Your Voice". This movie is basically "Mr. Holland's Opus" meets "Music of the Heart" meets "Clueless" meets "The Great Outdoors" meets "Jurassic Park" meets "Boondock Saints" meets "A Movie Trish Don't Wanna See". Is it just me, or does her shirt say "Candy Hoe"?

Merriest Autumn to Ye All.

Ahh, today is a beautiful fall day. The air feels fresh and crisp, and the leaves on the trees are turning from the soft green of summer to vibrant shades of red, orange and gold. Everywhere you look there are signs of autumn; people in the neighborhood have begun digging out their jackets and scarves, their cheeks a little rosier from the chill in the air, and the breeze is rich with the scent of freshly-picked apples and warm pumpkin pie. Harvest Tyme has begun, and Old Mr. McGintywillow and his boys are hard at work on their farm, just as sure as Old Mrs. Stillnerbrau is hard at work in the kitchen, making her famous apple-cinnamon preserves to sell at the Wood's Hollow Autumn Festival. The students in the schoolhouse are abuzz with excitement, planning what ghoulishly frightening goblin disguises they'll wear for Trick or Treating this Hallow's Eve. Why, their teacher, Miss Penny Jacobsonflip, cannot even hold their attention long enough to assign this eve's home-work! And as here I sit on my front porch, carving animal bones into crude, mis-shapen X-rated toys, I reflect upon the autumns of my youth, and wish I had the time to jump once more into a pile of freshly-raked leaves or roll one more newly-bourn baby down a flight of steps.
Ahh Autumn, a tyme to reflect.

Good morning. If you have time, go to click here. I promise it will make you laugh. Pinkie swear!!

AHHH!! Bea Arthur Lapdance!! BEA ARTHUR LAP DANCE! I don't remember this scene. Maybe this was after mom and dad told me it was past my bedtime and sent me to my room.

If I see one more article on the internet today about Britney Spears getting married, with the phrase "Oops, she did it again!" written in it, I'm going to throw my computer monitor down the stairs. No! If I see the NAME Britney Spears anywhere I happen to click when trying to read the news, there's gonna be hell to pay. It's unfortunate that my monitor must be the recipient of my wrath because I can't physically assault the entire internet. I can only hope one day technology will allow us to do so.
Lisa sent me a really cool article about the Monterey Aquarium today. Apparently they have a great white shark on display, and it's actually feeding. This has never happened before, great whites always refuse to eat in captivvity, then either starve to death or are released back into the ocean. I hope this shark continues to do well, because I really want to go and see it. I have always been fascintated with sharks for as long as I can remember, but I've been having nightmares about them for as long as I can remember too. For my entire life I've had nightmares about sharks at least 2-3 times a week, and they stopped for a little while, but now I'm having them again. I still love sharks and I would have loved to study marine biology, but I know the second I get into the water, all the sharks would be like, "Hey!! It's that girl we've been dreaming about eating for the past 25 years!! Let's get her!!! Grr!!".
Goddamn sharks, man.

I like this picture because my grandmother looks gigantic and glowing, and I am dwarfed by her mere presence. This is the grandmother I wrote about back on January 9th (see archives). I think from this picture you can see how much fun she is. See how much fun I'm having? Why do I doubt we are laughing at the same thing here? Hmmmmm.

I did a painting for Kristen and Ezzy as a wedding gift, because I'm such a fucking cheapskate. I hope they like it. I also hope they open their present before seeing the picture of it on my blog. Anyway, I used to collect antique keys from thrift shops and antique stores when I lived in NJ and I used to polish 'em up in my dad's glass beading machine. The summer dad bought that glass beading machine, us kids went hungry. It nearly bank-rupted us. Thanks Pops! We still make fun of dear old Diddums for that one.
Anyhow, I finally found a use for my old keys. I can put them on paintings, like this one NYAW...

I just did a search for a picture of a glass beading machine to link up to so you could see my dad's most prized posession. I found nothing. He did buy it from the Snap-On Tools truck that was always parked in our driveway, I can tell you that much. Oh forget it!!!

Here's Beetlejuice from Howard Stern. You fill in the blanks here.I, for one, particularly enjoy his teeth.

My friend Buck just sent me a link to this great website. It shows all these people lookin FLY for their senior pictures. I wish Middletown North could have sprung for an awesome "rubble and debris" background with yellow police tape.
I remember when North got a solid gold lion for the front lawn outside of school. It wasn't so much solid gold as it was spray painted cement, but boy was it flashy!! It was great to see our school mascot gleaming majestically in the dirt next to the North sign. Every once in a while during a fire drill you'd see some guy run over and start humping it.

Lisa and Kristen pose for a lovely photo at the wedding. Aren't they splendid? God wanted Kristen to get married. It's just mommy that didn't.

Kane waits for the bus in Bayonne. From the bus we took the subway. From the subway, we took a guy's wallet.

Ahh, badly scanned photos from my NJ trip!
Here we have a picture of me and Lisa with my mom, Uncle Snake and Uncle Ed, after a hearty meal at the Brother's in Red Bank. Right after this was taken, my two uncles asked a family walking by,"How much for the little girl?". Those jokers.

What's with this Jennings guy? Talk about King Nerd-O. What a giant loser. I bet he's never had a date in his life!!
Wait, he won how much money? Oh.

Alright, just calm down. Let's everybody just CALM DOWN! Now relax, no one's gonna know! I got plenty of paper towels and.....CALM DOWN I SAID!! Jeez, if you keep making a scene, I'm gonna have to get the.....JUST RELAX! If you'd just sit still for two seconds I can wipe it off!! STOP it now. Let's all just settle down now. I mean it.
Cut the crap!

I was about to write a long blog about our NJ trip, but Lisa already beat me to the punch. So to sum it up, I'd say the trip was awesome. I actually started crying when we got back to Arizona and I was hit with a wall of heat and too-bright sunlight. Ugh. Can't wait to go back east for good. The funny thing was, I ran into a girl from my German class in high school at a restaurant. I told her I am living in Arizona, and she said she had moved to Louisiana for a few years. She missed NJ so bad she had to move back as soon as she could. Yeah, I hear ya.
Kristen and Ezzy's wedding was beautiful. I've never been to a wedding where everyone was just so happy to be there and the bride and groom were just beaming. The place they got married at was really cool too, and they had an open bar. Oh I had a few drinks! Kane and I ended up dancing like retards to Beyonce's "Crazy in Love", so a lot of alcohol was consumed between the two of us obviously.
I have to go meet Lisa for lunch now but maybe I'll write more later. I haven't been writing much due to how hectic my life has been lately, but things are about to calm down, so bear with me.
Until then take care of yourselves. And each other.
;)

"Untitled" by Trish
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
It now blows dangerously hot air in your face.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
In Arizona. In the summer.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I just ate Taco Bell for lunch.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I had two crunchy tacos and a soda.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
I paid $3.23 for my tacos and soda.
The air conditioning in my car stopped working.
Now I want to go home and watch Montel Williams.

I’m still in the process of packing up my apartment for the big move this Sunday, and last night I was going through old video tapes trying to eliminate some of them. I found one with two episodes of Nickelodeon’s old show “Salute Your Shorts”, followed by an extremely old episode of “The Family Feud”. Why do I have a tape like that??

I think I’ve been making my boss mad by wearing my headphones at work. I don’t see what the big deal is, I’m doing a project with the small princess cut sapphires that requires my full concentration, so it actually helps me to put on my headphones. Anyway, she keeps making a big show of coming in to talk to me, and she just walks up and starts talking, then she “sees” my headphones, and is like, “OH.”. She never has anything to tell me either. She has a few fragments of thoughts, only a few of which pertain to me, and she sputters out sentence fragments or begins to sketch something on some scrap paper on my desk, until her cell phone rings and she runs away. She hasn’t said that she’s annoyed that I’m wearing my headphones, but I know how she is. Well, I’M annoyed that I have to keep taking them off for nothing. So there.
Also, according to my boss, highlighters are called “Pinkouts” and "Yellowouts", and how tall you are is not your height, it’s your “heighdth”.
I hope tonight I find the old video where I filmed the lawn guy fertilizing our front lawn, and then dubbed "Hard Knock Life" from the Annie soundtrack over it. That video cracks me up.

I haven't watched any of the Olympics. I'm not a sports person. I just don't care which country is the best at running through the grass with an egg balanced on a spoon. What? That's not an Olympic event? Sorry, that was an event from my elementary school's Field Day. It's easy to get confused, our Field Day was so similar to the Olympics. We'd get all juiced up on McDonald's orange drink (what is that stuff anyway? Why is it not juice, or even soda? This worries me.), we'd tie our legs together with whoever was our best friend at the moment, and give that three-legged race a run for it's money. Or we'd fall down and get grass stains on our new pants, and cry until some other kid crapped his pants, thereby bringing on bouts of distracting laughter. Aren't the Olympics just like that? Don't even TRY to tell me no one on the "Dream Team" shit their pants. I can smell it from here.
I am moving out of my apartment on August 29th. I'm going to miss it very much, but Lisa and I are getting an apartment together, so we can save much moneys. I'm happy about that part, but I'll miss living alone. It's been 4 years, and lots of fun. Cut to a slow motion montage of me playing with sock puppets, setting the stove on fire, making the sock puppets drink beer & fight, and spreading butter on my face, with "All By Myself" playing over it.
It's going to be weird timing, because I'm moving 3 days before I leave for NJ. I hope I won't be all tired and cranky during my trip. Probably not, going home always is a good time.
So a few days ago I bought an mp3 player. This is a big step for me, cuz I never even had a cell phone. Anyway, I love it waaaay too much. It only took me 3 days to wear out the batteries. I installed all the software on my computer at work. I hope it doesn't fuck anything up, but my mp3 payer is not compatible with Mac, and that's what I have at home.
"Robin Hood and Little John runnin' through the forest, jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees and tryin to get awayyyy. Contemplatin' nuthin but escapin, finally makin it, Oo-de-lolly, oo-de-lolly, Golly what a day."

Last night we had the first of two dress rehearsals for the play Lisa and I are directing. We open this Friday night. Anyway, this bitch stopped showing up for rehearsals, so I've had to jump in and take 5 roles. I think it's going well, although I'm pretty bitter about not being able to see the show I worked so hard on. It's okay though, it's been fun being on stage again. Anyway, at last night's dress rehearsal, we had a small audience. During act 2 we were doing a scene where I play a retarded girl named Clara, and my friend Allison plays a retarded girl named Sheila, and she's telling me about the guy she likes, who, coincidentally, is also retarded. Anyway, as she's talking to me, I'm supposed to be shoving popcorn into my mouth all angrily. Just as the lights go up and we are about to start the scene, I put some popcorn in my mouth and start to choke on it. I coughed as hard as I could, and a piece of popcorn flew out of my mouth and onto the stage. Allison saw it and we both started laughing hysterically. I think it worked out pretty good. I bet it looked like I meant to do that. It was hard to act like an angry retard after that though.

There was this group of guys I used to hang out with from '98 up until like 2 years ago. They all lived at a house in Tempe together, which was nicknamed 1810 Funhouse. (Their address was 1810 Randall, but they had bands play there all the time and had punk shows, so it was a Funhouse.) Many guy moved in and out of the house over the years, but when I first started hanging out there, there were the original four.
There was Jeff, who has been and will always be one of my best friends in the world. He went to my college (Al Collins Graphic Design School) and the day I met him he was sitting behind me in class, quietly saying things to himself like, "Are you fucking kidding me?", and "What the fuck is this guy talking about??" about our teacher who was trying to lecture. I turned around and gave him the finger, and we've been friends ever since. Jeff loved video games more than anyone I know. When a new Final Fantasy would come out, Jeff would lock himself in his room with a keg of beer and play until he finished the game. He once bought himself a set of throwing knives and he got really good at it. I introduced him to "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and he got hooked on all things Buffy. When the musical episode came out, Jeff, our friend Corbin and I once spent an entire night in Jeff's room singing all the songs. There was a show going on that night too, with about 100 people squeezed into the house, and we were just trying to sing over the bands playing. One time Jeff got all the Harry Potter books on tape (which was about 60 tapes), and he had this great idea that we should just sit and listen to the tapes straight through, and drink tons of beer. We only got through the first half of tape 1 before we gave up. We couldn't stop making fun of the british guy who was reading the book, then we decided to make up porno names for all the characters. Then we passed out.
Then there was Bob, who also went to my school. Bob liked to smoke a lot of cigarettes and draw devil girls on everything and go off on tangents about how our school sucks or how his job sucked. Bob was a lot of fun just to go up to and say something about anything, and watch him go for like an hour about why Rolling Rock was the only beer anyone should ever drink.
After that was John, who was the house's "funny guy", who lived in the basement and often had blue hair and fell down drunk a lot. I dated him for like a week or two, but that ended when I literally caught him with some girl's pants down. It was cool though because a few days later Jeff got drunk and went down to John's room and peed on his sheets for me. Jeff rocks.
Lastly there was Mikey, who was a cool little punk guy who also was just the nicest person you'll ever meet. He wore glasses and lots of argyle sweaters, and had the greatest music collection I've ever seen. He had this one album from the 70's with this black guy in a leisure suit with a big afro and a hat with a feather (I hesitate to say he was a pimp, because I really don't know if this man had himself some prostitutes. Don't judge by appearance, motherfucker.) on the cover, and the album title was called "Yer Momma". I wish I could remember the guy's name, but the song was a very fast tempo reggae beat, with someone yelling "Yer MOMMA!" every 20 seconds or so. We all used to crowd into Mikey's room and dance around to it when the mood hit us right. One time he and I went to a "Poison" concert with our friend Dan. It was awesome to see all the old mullets come out for a wild night. Mikey also loved Huey Lewis and the News. At first I thought, "Yeah, he just likes Huey because it's a cool thing to say." Is that cool? Probably not, my idea of cool is warped by your standards probably. Anyway, Mikey really did LOVE Huey Lewis. He went to every Huey Lewis concert that went down (and surprisingly there were a lot more in Tempe than you'd expect!) and drove to every thrift shop and obscure music store looking for original Huey Lewis LP's. He had tons of 'em. I always loved doing shots with Mikey in between singing "Power of Love".
Most of the guys have moved out, or I just fell out of touch with them. Jeff just moved to North Carolina this year with his girlfriend and their 6 month old son Xander.
Anyway, the whole point of this is, this morning I woke up with that horrible song "Cruisin'" in my head. The one sung by Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis, for the soundtrack of that weird Karaoke movie. I didn't see it, because I hate movies about karaoke, but I hate that song even more. So anyway, "Cruisin'", Huey Lewis, Mikey, it all made sense this morning.
There you go, there's a blog.

Good morning to whoever reads this. It is 12:14 pm, and I'm sitting in my office, taking a brief pause from making some rainbow sapphire jewelry. I've been working really hard on it for the past week, on an order for 131 assorted rings, bracelets, earrings and cufflinks. Yay. I am the only one in the office who can make these lines of sapphire, and it's a bitch. I'm almost done though so good job to me!
My friend Taryn just made a brand new blog, inspired by me, Lisa, Kane and Toole. Well, probably mostly Toole, since he updates just slightly more than the rest of us. Anyway, Taryn and I work together, and try our best ot get through the week without murdering anybody. So far she posted a very cute story about her family making fun of her. Good job Taryn, and good luck updating every day. I'll be watching!
So I'm disappointed about everyone's opinion of The Village. I haven't seen it yet, but I've been looking forward to it for months. But everyone I know who has seen it hated it, and I usually trust these people's opinions as far as movies go. I guess I'll just have to see it for myself, but now I am much less excited about it. Poop.
I did see "The Notebook" on Friday, which I loved. I normally am not into romantic movies, but this one is very different. Yeah, it gets really sappy at times, but not in a bad "Meg Ryan+Tom Hanks" way. It was very sad though, it made me, my mom, Lisa and everyone in the theater cry like little bitches. I read the book last week, which I liked, but this is one of the rare times that the movie is actually better than the book. Like "Jaws". That book was a big pile of crap after having watched the movie a million times. DON'T READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK. I don't want any assholes emailing me that I spoiled the ending. Anyway, the book sucks. There' s this whole side plot where Ellen Brody has this boring, long drawn out affair with Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss's character). It's written all cheesy, like Peter Benchley wanted to throw some graphic sex scenes in there for the hell of it. I hated the ending too. It pretty much ends with the shark dropping dead. Seriously. Thank god Spielberg made such an awesome movie. That man has far better vision than I do, I guess. That's probably why he's a world famous director, and I'm just a douche with a keyboard.

Don't you miss your teddy? You left him in your past.
You used to love your Teddy. You swore your love would last.
You left him in the attic, and you grew up too fast.
Well now old Teddy's got a knife, and he's gonna stab you in the ass!!
Holy Shit, run away from Teddy!! 

That's a poem I just wrote. Swear to God, I made it up. It's good, huh? You don't have to lie. It's okay, I just had nothing to write.
Wouldn't it be funny is that poem was not about a teddy bear at all, but about Theodore Roosevelt? "You bastard, why'd you wheel me up to your attic and forget about me?? I was a terrific President, just ask Eleanor!! I sang with Annie, for Pete's sake!! Well, FUCK YOU TOO, TRICIA! Fuck you too."

 

Have a good show Marilyn Manson!

Last night I had a very weird dream. I'm at some sort of arena with Kane, Lisa and my mom. We all have tickets to a Marilyn Manson concert. We walk up to the door, and the security guy looks at Lisa and my mom's tickets and says, "Ok, you two have backstage passes.", then he lets them through this door with all this blue light coming from it. Kane and I are nervous, because we don't have backstage passes, but we're hoping this guy won't notice and will let us through. He takes one look and tells us general entry is on the other side of the building. Feeling all dejected,  Kane and I start to walk that way, but then remember we have a problem. We have a huge rolling cart full of about 80 stuffed animals, and if we leave them here, they'll get stolen. "We better put them in garbage bags, then we can take them into the concert with us!", so we frantically begin stuffing all the elephants and tigers and ladybugs and stuff into garbage bags. As we're doing this, Marilyn Manson begins walking our way. He's on stilts, and is very unstable. He has three guys trying to keep him steady up there so he doesn't fall and ruin his bright pink leotard and fake boobs. As he's walking past, I hold up a small little stuffed bear, and I shake it at him while saying in a funny high-pitched voice,"Have a great show Marilyn Manson!". He looks at the bear and smiles, and says"Thank you very much you guys!" in Cartman from South Park's voice. Kane and I get back to putting the stuffed animals in the bag, and then I just collapse on the ground. Now here's where I had the dream....
 
I don't even like Marilyn Manson. Or stilts for that matter.

My, aren't you boys HANDSOME!

I haven't written anything in a long time, I just haven't had anything to say. I still don't but here I go a-ramblin'.
Last night I got sucked into watching "I Love the 90's". I saw 93, 94 & 95 and it was awesome. I love these stupid VH1 shows, I just can't turn them off. Maybe I should see a doctor about it or something. The best part about I Love the 90's was that they had Trey Parker, and Jay and Silent Bob doing commentaries. I could listen to Jay talk about moving into Melrose Place with all the "slutty, big-boobied women" all day.
A few days ago I made plane reservations for me, Kane, Lisa and my mom to go to Jersey for the first week in September. I cannot fucking wait to get there, September is too far away. We're going back for Kristen Marsh's wedding, and then I'm going to give Kane the tour, like where I used to live, and where the infamous Middletown Chuck E. Cheese is. Holy shit it'll be fun.
My new favorite way to kill time at work is to play "Bejeweled" on MSN games. My high score is 17,485. I am such a geek that I not only know that, but that I'm proud of that.
Today I saw a bird fall out of a tree right outside my window. I don't think he got hurt, cuz he got right up and flew away. I don't know why he fell. Maybe he fell asleep and lost his balance, or maybe he's just an asshole clutzy bird. Can birds be clutzy? If people can, why not other species? Is there some fish out there that keeps pissing off the other fish by swimming into them? All the fish swim on the right, pass on the left, but here comes this fucker to mess up their whole routine. Fish can be assholes when you fuck up their routines. Shit!

Today is Wednesday, and I've been on vacation since last Friday. It was so nice, not having to worry about work all the time. I had a 5 day weekend. I don't remember what I did on Friday, but saturday Kane and I went to see our friends Mike and Tracy at this hotel they were staying at, where we drank some daiquiris and went in the hot tub. Sunday I decided last minute not to go to a party Kane and I were invited to for our friend Rob's birthday (and for the 4th, I guess). Instead Kane went without me and Lisa came over, and we went swimming before we cooked a big italian dinner as if we were big italian women, drank pina coladas and ate cake and chocolate pie. We missed the fireworks on tv because we were too busy watching The Simpsons Season 4 on DVD. I think we each gained 10 pounds that night, but maybe we laughed off some of the fat thanks to Ralph Wiggum. Monday I spent most of the day in a pissy mood, just all weepy and bitchy. I kept trying to figure out why, but then I remembered it was just PMS. Then I felt better, and Kane and I watched "Unwrapped" on the Food Network, made up some new songs and danced around the apartment old-tymey style. To finish off this 5-day rampage of fun, I shook Kane awake around 10:30 yesterday morning and we hauled ass to make it to an 11 AM showing of Spiderman 2. Which everyone kept saying it was just okay, but I really liked it. I liked it just as much, if not a little more than the first one. The story was better, and Doc Oc was a much cooler villain that the Green Goblin. I mean, the GG was great too, but I liked how you sort of feel bad for Doc Oc. I am a big fan of likeable villains I guess, plus Alfred Molina is just awesome anyway. Plus there's a little more romance in this one, and referring to my aforementioned PMS, I thought that part was better than the first.
So my long weekend was a good one, but now I'm back at work. Before I left last week, I recorded a new voice mail message to let people know when I will be back in the office and have a great holiday blah blah blah. So this is the very first of 18 messages I got this morning:
"Hi Trish, this is (I'll leave his name out to protect his anonimity), and that's REAL NEATO that you're out on a fucking vacation, but just what the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY CUSTOMER ABOUT THE RING THEY ORDERED???!!?!". Then he hung up. Nice guy. He also left two more screaming messages, even though he knew damn well I would not be back in the office until today. Then I got yelled at by this other guy who wants his jewelry, then I get a fax from the factory that they broke a customer's very rare, very very expensive tanzanite, and they don't know how it happened and they're sorry. Then I get a call from said customer, saying "Hi! This is Lynn, I'm just calling about my customer's tanzanite ring, she's very anxious and nervous about her stone and wants to know how soon she can have her ring. Please have some good news for me, honey! Thanks, Bye bye!". Then I had to call and ruin her day by telling her the stone is ruined.
I'm about ready for another 5-day weekend, I think. And maybe 1 or 10 pina coladas. With lots of whipped cream.

Yowza!! Parker Lewis CAN lose.

HAPPY JULY!! Actually I didn't mean to yell. I forgot I had the Caps Lock on.
Anyway, in honor of it being July (and in honor of me having nothing to write about today), I decided to re-post an old blog that seems to be a popular one. I have heard from a few people that this was a good entry, and since I don't know how to do that neat link-to-a-specific-blog trick, I'm doin it the old fashioned re-postin' way. It's a great story filled with love, hate, laughter and deer antler.
Here goes:
Once upon a time, Lisa had a boyfriend who lived with us named Mike. I'll leave his name at that to protect his anonimity. So once upon a time Mike lived with my family in our condo in Middletown. He cluttered up the place with tie-die and sunflower seeds, and enriched our lives with Star Trek facts and memorabilia, and a Star Trek "Q" boxed set of videos. It seemed very out of character for Lisa to be this guy's girlfriend, as they were clearly from different worlds and had vastly different interests, at least from an outsider's point of view. Mike, unlike Lisa, was a habitual pot-head. He had a large collection of bongs and pipes and hookas, most of them he had fashioned himself from various pieces of hoses and glass bottles and other trash, and each one he could talk about endlessly, with a glimmer in his eye much like that of a child on Christmas morning. Mike was okay. He was never mean or anything, always very nice and usually smiling, but he was not exactly my favorite of Lisa's boyfriends over the years. There are a number of reasons why I wanted him out of our home, some of which I've been sworn to secrecy never to talk about, but here's a little story for ya.
I can't remember the exact date, but it was late 1997. I was going to Brookdale Community College at the time, and had an early Algebra class the next morning so I went to bed early that night. Anyway, after a few short hours of slumber, I was awoken by a loud noise. As of someone not-so-gently rapping, rapping on my chamber door. I got up, very groggy and still half asleep and looked at the clock. 2:30 AM. What could have happened? Was there an accident? Was someone hurt? Did someone eat the last piece of chocolate cake? I opened the door and found Mike, smiling broadly, looking very pleased with himself.
Me (in my bitchiest, most tired voice):"What?"
Mike:"I just made something, and I want you to be the first to try it out!"
With this, he slaps a dirty broken old piece of antler into my hand. Ah yes, the deer antler he found in the woods somewhere in Arizona when he and Lisa vacationed there a few months before. The one he planned to make into a pipe, and then planned to smoke weed from said pipe. Indeed, he had drilled a hole through it, and attached a metal bowl to it, which looked ripped off of one of his many bongs. I didn't like the idea, antlers are for deers to protect themselves and disguise them from hunters in the forest, not for Mike to smoke from.
So he wanted me to take to be the first to try it. Take the maiden voyage. He had packed the bowl with his "kindest bud", and was very insistant, even though I wasn't really interested in getting high, especially not from old dirty deer parts. Still though he insisted, like it was the highest honor, being offered the first hit. I just wanted to go back to bed. So okay, fine.
I took the "pipe" from him, and lit it, and took a fairly large hit, larger than I was prepared for, and also more painful than I was expecting. Apparently, Mike had forgotten one very important step in creating this masterpiece. He had forgotten to clean out the excess chunks of deer antler from the hole had drilled. My throat closed up, and I could feel bits of bone in my mouth, lungs and throat. It was the most disgusting feeling EVER, and I spent the next hour or so practically hacking myself to death, desperately trying to cough up the antler bits. See, that's a sentence no one should have to write! Mike apologized profusely and ran back down to Lisa's room in the basement, leaving me to fend for myself in the fight to breathe. That was just fine with me though, because if I could have talked, I probably would have told him to get the fuck out of my house!
The best way I can describe how it felt is imagine how it feels when at the beach you mistakenly get a few grains of sand in your mouth. Multiplied by 1,000, and at the same time suffocating in smoke, and at the same time having a severe sore throat. I didn't sleep any more that night, needless to say.
I was really glad when Mike moved out. Yay.

Happy 4th of July everyone. Be safe and try not to stir the kool-aid with your dick this year. Mom really hates it when you do that.